Been angry all of my life. Wrestling with angels and losing each time. The devil has always been in the details of my life, even when I asked him to leave. Angry, I say. Can't say that I am not now. Well I can say that. But, I don't really believe that, even if I don't verbalize it. In every aspect of my life looks like anger prevails. Takes on a life of it's own.
I mean…
I've lost my job for the umpteenth time since I've lived here in Georgia. I am about to lose my place of residence. My car has broken down. I have no money and my house is still in disarray. Not just my physical house... my spiritual house has also been ransacked. I've been thrown up against the wall by cirucmstantial whirlwind that I somehow created. Though I cannot figure out how. I keep saying how tired I am.
I'm not really tired though.
Just frustrated and fed up.
That elusive American dream-that word dream is an indication that it is a figment of our imaginations. I fashioned it out of a deck of cards that I found along the street. As I traveled along the road of my post apolcalyptic life , they lay there abandoned. Someone else’s cards-not mine, I picked them up, counted them, caressed and nurtured them. Determined to fix them simply because they looked unclaimed. I had my own though. Some cards missing, some incomplete, and torn. So I took my the crayola crayons, water colors and colored pencils put on my rose colored glasses. Tried to draw the suits on the cards to complete the deck. The cards were made out of scraps of old crepe paper, birth and death certificates, toilet paper (unused), magazines and newspaper. I drew in the contents of the missing cards as best I could, unsure that I got the appropriate shapes or numbers correct.
And then it rained, the wind blew hard. Back to square one.
If you don't believe in reincarnation...just think of how many times during your life, the same situations recreate themselves, repeat themselves.
I've stood on square one several times during my life.
Here's a list of times. Not all inclusive by any means:
The day I was born.
Graduated from high school.
Graduated from nursing school.
Ended up on the psych ward (without a strait jacket).
1st husband left me when with two children.
Quit my job when I first came to Atlanta, didn't have another
Got fired when I first came to Atlanta
Heck...when I came to Atlanta.
When I had my last child after 14 years
The day I became 50 and realized that I was basically the same person that I am now as when I was born.
And now.
After several episodes of living a ghost life. A life that I thought was mine after some convincing from myself and others. Lives that I was certain were mine and discovered were not. Trying to live the American dream...the successful African American, Martin Luther King conferred, Malcom X reclaimed, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton declared lives of dreams...
I stand here looking around at an unfamiliar life held out to me by Fate's hands."Here, I found it!" she declares. "I had no idea what it looked like", I reply...
If there is no truth to the thought that we are spiritual beings, having a human experience...think again.
We wander the roads of life...the same roads until we get it right.
We wander the roads of life...the same roads until we get it
We wander the roads of life...the same roads until we get
We wander the roads of life...the same roads until we
We wander the roads of life...the same roads until
We wander the roads of life...the same roads
We wander the roads of life...the same
We wander the roads of life...the
We wander the roads of life...
We wander the roads of life
We wander the roads of
We wander the roads
We wander the
We wander
We
?
