Lady in Waiting

I've decided that I have to wait for the things that I really want. Wait.  That word has taken on a whole new meaing for me and I wait...on another level.  What am I waiting for?

Not sure.  I am waiting to calm down and not be so appalled by what I see going on in the world today. The corruption and dishonesty.  A culture where people are more determined to hate than to love.  A world where people are so much more willing to embrace a lie rather than the truth.  The frightening part about this is that people can tell the difference between a truth and a lie...they would rather believe the lie if they think it's beneficial.

I am waiting, not to care about it.  Or to realize that I can care about it but not do anything about it.  I am waiting for God to come down and say,  "Okay, you guys...this thing that I created...Life...I was just kidding. "It's really an awesome and pleasant experience and you guys get to go to paradise...no holds barred.".  God is going to do that one day...just probably not today.

I am waiting to be understood.  I am waiting to understand.  I am waiting to get this unconditional love thing perfectly correct...How do you do that again?  I am waiting for people to say...Okay...I was wrong.  Let me get this right.  I am waiting for human beings to behave as intelligent and civilized as they claim to be and stop trying to compete with God.  I plead no contest.  I am waiting to be happy.  I am waiting to create.  I am waiting to be financially sound.  I am waiting to be the person that God would have me to be.  I am waiting.

We are all waiting.  Except many of us don't know it.  I know because everytime I slam into a proverbial brickwall in my life, I have to wait.  Sometimes I have to wander until I find the gate... the opening and sometimes I wait until the gate...the opening miraculously appears.  I am waiting.  I don't want to wait.  But, somehow, I know that sometimes that is what is necessary for me to do. Wait.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!

50 Things That I Am Thankful For

1. Life
2. My children.
3. My Father.
4. My sisters and brothers.
5. That I can type this.
6. That I will soon be gainfully employed.
7. That I am an independent thinker.
8. Books.
9. That I can see.
10. My nieces and nephews.
11. My nieces and nephews children.
12. That I know who Obama is.
13. That I can drive.
14.  That Sarah Palin is not President
15. Twelve step programs.
16. The ride to Boston.
17. Jesus and his wisdom.
18. That I know that there is a God.
19. That I appreciate being here on earth.
20. That I am not trying to travel to Mars to live.
25. That I love to write.
26. That I know how to write.
27. That I am African american.
28. That I see beauty all around me...even when no one else can.
29  For quiet time, prayer and meditation.
30. For Stormy and Zora.
31. That I can walk.
32. That I can laugh.
33. That I got a chance to spend time with my family in Boston.
35. That I can dream.
36. For Agatha and Sam.
37. For food.
38. That I don't live in China.
39. That I don't live in a Third World country...but even if I did, I could probably be able to find 50 things to be thankful for.
40. Joe and Yolanda.
41.That I live in a house.
42. Possibilities.
43. That God loves me.
44. That I discovered Theresa of Avilas Interior Castle.
45. Creativity.
45. The moon, the sun, the stars.
46.To have known and lived with Nana, Mother, Aunt May.
47. Warmth.
48. Socks.
49. People.
50. The holidays.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

I've Lost That Bloggin' Feelin'

I was kind of excited when I started this blog.  That was when my life was going the way that I wanted it to. Most days I don't feel like blogging.  Now things ain't goin' like I want them to. I often sit in the corner in life when things aren't going my way and wait till someone says it's okay to get up.Things just can't always be the way you want, that is just life...in living color.

My thing is to try to take things in stride.  As I'm writing I'm thinking..."if things were always the way you wanted them to be, what would you have to strive for...what would be your motivation for making your life better?" I'm surprised that the question came to mind.  But, it has always been adversity that has spurred me to action.  Now, I'm learning to wait in the face of adversity.  Wait until I know it is adversity. Wait until I know what  I can learn.  Wait until I know what it is that I want. Just wait...Sometimes that is what you have to do.

It is hard to wait sometimes.  It's hard to wait when you are hungry...when the bills aren't being paid and your're lights stand to be turned off.  It's hard to wait...to even develop the courage to follow your dreams.
But, I keep getting the message to wait...even in circumstances as dire as mine.  The most difficult thing to do is to follow this bidding. I don't know where it's coming from.  It's just instinct. I guess.

What do I want?  I remember taking off with my life and just running with it when I was younger.  I had know idea where I was going...just an idea of where I wanted to go...No idea how to get there.  The thing is even if you know where you want to go...there are no guarantees in life. So, does it even help to know or is having and idea enough?  I read in the paper a couple of weeks ago about a young woman who wanted to be an actress her entire life. When  she got old enough she went to Hollywood and landed jobs doing commercials and took off with her career.  She decided a few years thereafter, that she wanted to be a doctor to help people.  Go figure.  I suspect that she learned to make a distinction between her job and her calling...

I am waiting...I will wait.

Question Marks

What if Man is able to colonize Mars?  What if the guy who got convicted on only one count of terrorism gets out of jail in 20 years? What if we are able to make fake sperm and women are able to have babies without men? What if Sarah Palin wins in 2012? What if black peopl stop shooting each other? What if the Repuplican party developed compassion? What if the Democratic party developed guts?  What if global warming simply progresses faster and faster.? What if scientists could stop the aging process?  What if for every trick of technology there were no adverse consequences.? What if we could grow human beings like we grew corn? what if the economy improved? What if China wasn't going to take over the worls?  What if Africa came to its' senses and treated each other like brothers and sisters?  What if Spiderman was real? What if Will  Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith weren't married and didn't have Jaden and Willow?  What if life was easy? What if all stores had free items?  What if you could just knock on someone else's door and ask them for food and they give it too you? What if it rained hard for 40 days and 40 nights? What if animals could talk?  What if  fish had dominion over the world?  What if everyone woke up one day and was another race or color? What if there was no red Koolaid. What if the sky was teal? What if there were no God? What if there is a God? what if animals could talk?  What if  people actually strived to understand themselves?  What if we could outsmart cancer cells?  What if there is a cure for cancer and men supress it? What if America wasn't so greedy?  What if  the human life span was only 6 months? what if we only had two fingers and two toes?  What if we lived  constantly asking ourselves, what if?

Not Feeling So Groovy

Ever since I quit my job, I've being going through some type of weird emotional up heaval.  At this point, my bank account balance is 0.60 cents.  My electricity is about to be cut off, and I have been struggling to find people to give me references because my boss at my last job-- who offered to give me a good reference-decided not to.  I would be upset but I made the decision to quit my job without having another one, because I needed a breather.  A long breather.  And, frankly, I'm not ready to go back to a steady job.  Not now, maybe not ever.

We are enslaved in this world by materialism.  That's is the purpose for most peoples choice of proffesion and work.  Altruism has gone the way of the dinosaur.  And most people work to support a lifestyle.  I just can't do it, not anymore.  Not for anyone, not for anything.   That is too superficial a way to live. .

I've done it., but I never really achieved that "bling" status that most people are looking for. I will be struggling to eat if I don't land a job soon.

I've always had a plan.  But after so many plans, you find that life happens at it's own pace and decides at the last minute to take it's own course sometimes.  I'm tired.  I talk to people and it seems that the words go right past them without ever making an impact on me or them.  We are a bunch of  capitalistic zombies, just walking around lookng for the next heart to rip out and chow down on.

I know that this seems grim.  But, in the war of spirits.  The battle is on.  I haven't given up or given out.  My issue is that the courage of my convictions have resurfaced at an odd time in my life.  I looked at my daughters facebook page yesterday and she had writtten,
"In a world where you can be anybody but yourself..."
My response was,
"To be anyone but yourself, is to live life as a coward".
She replied,
"Yes!"

By Jove, I think she's got it.!
The truth is,  it is impossible to be anyone but who you are. We betray ourselves when we refuse for our own reasons- or societies, for that matter- to honor that.

My cable was turned off Saturday. My lights may be turned out today.  I may be evicted from my home tomorrow.  
I'm still me and I'm still here.


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