Redefining Me

I never understood what it meant when people said that they were redefining themselves.  I think that it means that they need to make some changes in their life.  That's the simplistic interpretation anyway.  But, to me it means being who I am...Unequivocally.  Not stepping over dead bodies to get to me, but loving who I am and spreading that love all over to everyone...Consciously.

I have learned over a period of time to love myself.  It's been a difficult process when I've tried to pull others into the pool with me.  But I can love myself unencumbered.  It's a scary process, almost like walking a tightrope without a net.  But, it's exhilerating at the same time.

Actually, God is my safety net.

I'm not happy today but, I'm satisfied.  Not because of circumstances but just because.  The sky is blue...and that's nice.  But, if it weren't, I'd feel the same ways.  Freedom, true freedom is scary at first. 

I am going to love me in spite of...  I am going to love others in spite of.  That can mean a lot of things.  But,  life being the journey that it is, I am ready to discover whatever awaits.  I've made some decisions within the last few weeks that I hope will be a game changer for me. (Whatever that means).

I will no longer stew in my own juice. I promise me.

I Quit...Or Do I?

I started working a second job.  I thought it was a gift from God until I got sick and realized that I had to work five days per week in addition to my other full time job.  Then, I thought maybe God was tryna tell me something.  I didn't go back to work the first week after I accepted the job.  I didn't call.  I ignored their phone calls.  But, one day I was sitting on the side of my bed and I inadvertantly answered the phone thinking it was my daughter and it was THEM! (That was the following week after I tried to just leave without telling them).
 
When I answered the phone, I let the administrator con me into coming in the following day.  I rode with one of the nurses to some patient's houses.  She was real good at what she did.  I was kind of enthusiastic and was going to quit my other job.  Then, I asked the secretary for the health insurance prices.  That kind of put the stops on stuff. It didn't stop there.  That Friday, I came down with a stomach flu...a nasal infection ensued and I ended up calling out of my weekend job the entire weekend because I was sick. As much as I hate going to the doctor, I went to the doctor and a got a note for work and some antibiotics.

I started taking the antibiotics and began to feel better but I have this lingering malaise.  I wasn't supposed to go to work until Friday but decided that I would go on Tuesday after resting on Monday.   I ended up getting a traffic ticket for running a stop sign at the end of the day and having this disturbing fatigue. Not only that, I had to finish my paperwork after I got home which I did not want to do because I wanted to lie down. And...what good was that? None.  I spent the time talking to and joking with Karyn and deciding that I was going to quit.  My original plan was to go into the office early in the morning and leave my stuff. I ended up oversleeping.

So, I went into the office to talk to the administrator so that I could give her the courtesy of knowing that I wasn't coming back.  It was hard for me to do that.  I felt so sad.  I really wanted to do that job and quit my other job but could not afford the health insurance there. I liked everybody in the office too. They were cool!
But, I confessed to my boss that I did not want to nurse anymore.  Not feeling remorseful, but incredibly sad.
I have lost my spark.  I think that after doing something for 29 years, you would be tired as hell.

I didn't love myself when I began nursing.  Now that I love myself my tolerance for  nursing has decreased.  I realize that caring for others was a way of vicariously loving myself...Hmm.

Depleted

I got nothing left... Or do I?  I feel empty.  Hollow.  Emotionally emaciated. I am heaving and nothing is coming out.  It is unseasonably cold outside and Stormy is sitting in front of my bed yawning and staring at me as though she is trying to figure out exactly what I am and where I came from.  My head hurts and I am wondering if I have a job...anywhere.  For now it's nice to pretend that I don't.  I'd like to complain about myself and say that I am just crazy because there is no other way to explain my state of existence and not wanting to work in the profession that I am in.  Tin drum feeling...I think about the lady next door who died and hope her exit from this world was a memorable experience.  I  also think about that movie I saw a couple of weeks ago called Afterlife and realize that being dead must be as daunting to some as being alive is to others. I try not to wonder why God went through the trouble of creating earth with humans on it because even if He were to explain it over and over again in full gory detail...I don't think that any of us would ever get it.  There is just no way to comprehend why a being as intelligent and powerful as God would create  a species that is hell bent on destroying itself.   It doesn't make sense to me.  I picture God as a little boy with baggy jeans, a blue and red striped tee shirt, black high top keds and a backward New York Mets baseball cap sitting on his head sitting on the curb on 5th Avenue in Manhattan with a magnifying glass holding it over us as we traipse aimlessly up and down the street waiting for the sun to burn us all to a crisp and not laughing but being somewhat awed at watching wither spontaneously from the heat... and marveling at that little wisp of smoke floating up from our remains.  God is not that cruel I tell myself daily...and then I add a question mark to the end of the sentence.  Paradox...Someone who loves us in spite of ourselves.  That's a hard task.  I struggle to love ME in spite of myself,,,forget mankind.  If we can love each other at all...I think we are doing good 'cause apparently that seems to be a task that is lost on most of us.  Truly loving.  I sat up watching one of those documentary things where a lady killed her husband.  White people kill their spouses rather frequently it seems.  Black people don't do it as much but maybe it's because fewer of us are married.  I'd like to put a picture on my blog but I don't have anything relevant.  There is a camera on my phone.  I have taken lovely pictures with it before.  I need to go to the grocery store but I keep thinking that I don't really want to get up.  I called my young sun a couple of minutes ago and I know he heard me but would not answer.  I know that he heard me because when he got ready he came in my room and asked me what I wanted and I lied and told him that I forgot because I had changed my mind about going to the store and buying stuff that I probably don't need anyway.  I like going to the store and spending money just for the hell of it.  Like I have the money to spend for the hell of it.  I didn't call Karyn last night.  She gave Ashley the computer...that sucks.  What a bummer.  I feel empty, depleted.  I drank lots of coffee because that coffee gods beckoned me. The coffee gave me energy that I really didn't have.   The coffee gods  were warning me that my body was breaking down but my brain failed to read the memo...Ever like watching animal shaped clouds float across the sky while you lay on your back when you were a kid?  Or twirl around on the grass when you were a kid and watch the world go in circles...Life was like having your own amusement park back then.  And you were so wonder laden you didn't even need money to get on the rides....THE END

50 Things That I Am Thankful For

1. Life
2. My children.
3. My Father.
4. My sisters and brothers.
5. That I can type this.
6. That I will soon be gainfully employed.
7. That I am an independent thinker.
8. Books.
9. That I can see.
10. My nieces and nephews.
11. My nieces and nephews children.
12. That I know who Obama is.
13. That I can drive.
14.  That Sarah Palin is not President
15. Twelve step programs.
16. The ride to Boston.
17. Jesus and his wisdom.
18. That I know that there is a God.
19. That I appreciate being here on earth.
20. That I am not trying to travel to Mars to live.
25. That I love to write.
26. That I know how to write.
27. That I am African american.
28. That I see beauty all around me...even when no one else can.
29  For quiet time, prayer and meditation.
30. For Stormy and Zora.
31. That I can walk.
32. That I can laugh.
33. That I got a chance to spend time with my family in Boston.
35. That I can dream.
36. For Agatha and Sam.
37. For food.
38. That I don't live in China.
39. That I don't live in a Third World country...but even if I did, I could probably be able to find 50 things to be thankful for.
40. Joe and Yolanda.
41.That I live in a house.
42. Possibilities.
43. That God loves me.
44. That I discovered Theresa of Avilas Interior Castle.
45. Creativity.
45. The moon, the sun, the stars.
46.To have known and lived with Nana, Mother, Aunt May.
47. Warmth.
48. Socks.
49. People.
50. The holidays.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Still Trying 2

Hard.  That's the only word that I can use to describe trying to be still for 30 days.  The difficulty does not come from being still...it comes from trying to define what stillness is and being.  Humanity is so accustomed to moving around and trying to fulfill it's illusions of reality that we create a virtual world that is destined to crumble from our vivid imaginations of what we thing safety and security is. It is hard to be real...hard to be still.  It's hard to be real still.  I've been moving about like a pot of heated molecules.  I'm boiling.

What made the task of stillness even more daunting is being engaged by my children of whom all three are home.  I wanted to sit, journal, ignore and shush them, but I couldn't.  All extensions of  me (to a certain extent)  I see why I've drivien myself insane for the past 52 years,  I understand why they move around all of the time.  I couldn't shush besides they are a worthy and enjoyable distraction. .  My life has been steeped in vicariousness...which helped me to escape my own personal pain..  I owe my children....infinitely for saving my life.

I'm tired today.  I fell off the sugar wagon and ate browny and donuts.  I was tired before then but after I ate all of those sweet things, the fatigue has descended upon my like so many vultures on a decayed carcass.  It's eating me alive.  So, I need to get back on the wagon and continue my sugar free journey which will make my life much sweeter (only God creates paradoxed like that).

I'm becoming a lover.  A lover of God, life, people, myself and whatever I can gain the courage to face head on.  In the words of the late great Scott M. Peck, "Life is difficult" but in my own words, life is lovely. We have only to look through the fog of our virtual reality to see it.  But most of miss the lovliness, because we prefer fantastical lives and we are rarely if ever silent or still.

I'm going to try my stillness project again.  Starting over.  Today.