Day 2

I used to be really excited about going home.  A high that was unbelievable often overtook me and I'd have this euphoria.  I'm supposed to leave Sunday night to go to Massachusetts.  The usual high has been interrupted, or suppressed by the reality that life goes on.  I will go home, talk to people that I haven't seen for years and realize that many have died.  Many that I never got a chance to say goodbye to.  I will stay for a while, reminisce and then come back to Georgia, and torture myself with these huge question marks in my mind?

Where did the time go?  How is it that time has passed me and I'm so ignorant about what has happened in between then and now? Who the hell am I anyway?  Really?

I've changed somewhat, but I'm basically still the same angry brat that I was when I left Boston.  Always wanting things my way and pounding my fists and stamping my feet when they don't turn out the way that I want.  The only difference is that there is a subtlety to my tantrums.  People don't often know that I'm screaming out loud until I have snuck up from behind and pounded them once with my virtual psychological mallet...then, it's too late.  They just don't know what hit them.  Oh! I'm also a little kinder, I don't hit more than once and I don't hit as hard.  I don't like hitting either.  I had a sadistic quality to my attacks back then...

I am uncomfortable today.  Circumstances that have to do with work again.  But, I've chosen to just sit with my discomfort.  I decided that if I could change the world that I live in, that I would have.  But, I decided that it would be best to just focus on trying to change...the world that lives in me.  To what end?  Maybe to no end. Maybe, simply to the end that I would just like to continue to discover my deep down inside.  Most people go through life ignoring their deep down inside.  I do...sometimes.  But, that loud voice that calls to me and implores me to uncover those vital parts of Who I  Am just won't be quiet some days. 

It takes so much more courage to explore inner space that outer space.  Some days I am inundated with fear and I don't have bravery.  But, anytime I decided to overrule my fear, I know that an infinite
resource awaits for my own examination.  This deep down inside is just as vast as "externia" itself.  It is just as mind boggling and leaves me as awestruck as anything that I could see outside of me.  But, it is much closer and more difficult to see.

So, I'm going home.  Not excited, but needing to go.  Each time I go, I get to reclaim a part of me that I had forgotten existed.  I will return back here with it.  I will fall in love with it again. Maybe try to cling to it as it dissipates, fades into the background.

For now, I will sit here in my imaginary rocking chair and relax and hum to myself. Time is all that we have.  It's all I have.

Day 1

I'm doing a personality fast.  I guess it's where you avoid expressing your personality.  It's a spiritual thing.  I don't know wether anyone else would hear about it or not. When you do a personality fast, you kinda just accept things the way they are, and don't judge anyone and just plain try to slow down.  Some people call this mindfulness.  I used to think it meant trying to achieve perfection.

During this time  I don't know exactly what I want to achieve.  I just want to just do it.  I'm exhausting myself trying to change the world in my head.  It's not working guys.  I really wish things were different in this world. I wish people were kinder and more intelligent. I thought that if I practice  kindness reciprocity, that Karma would reciprocate.  It doesn't work that way.  Well, it does work that way...just not on the level that I was trying to do it. ( Not only that, if you are being kind to someone just so someone will be kind to you, is that true kindness?)

Anyway, so this mindfulness or just taking the world in and not trying to will it to change through mental telepathy, doesn't work.  It has taken me all my life to actually experience this.  I kind of realized it at short infrequent intervals throughout my life. But, when you actually stop trying to spend the world in the opposite direction, a realization that you aren't spinning the world in any direction hits kind of hard.  Not only that, you kind of begin to realize that you are not even spinning your own little personal world in the right direction. What a bummer.

Another realization that I've come to as I train myself to stop practicing daily frantic excercises in futility is the subtle and discreet ways that I try to manipulate and control people.  The obvious ways that I try to manipulate and control came to the fore a few years ago.  I thought I was cured.  But, I realize that I still try to make people like me, I still try to scare people away, I still try to make people love themselves so that they will love me. Crazy huh?

That's me on a microscopic level.  It's like looking at yucky things under a real microscope, like skin cells and bugs and stuff.  Except...It's my psyche.

My Now

 

I am posting from my windows live writer account.  I kinda like this because blogger has limited fonts.  I am wonder what this will look like when I am finished.  My young one stayed home from school today.  His allergies to pollen are really bad.  I feel bad for him because my allergies to pollen were really bad and I hated it.  I remember my eyes getting all red and itchy and my nose running like a damned water faucet. That’s what he suffers.  and none of the antihistamines really work. Just a little.  They work just a little.  His father’s allergies were just as bad.  I asked his dad one time what his mom did for his allergies when he was young and he said, “nothing”.  It made me sad.

Just Thinkin'

Not sure when blogging became such a cumbersome task for me but I had stopped for a while.  I have loved being on stage virtually and so here I am, tap tap tapping on my computer keys. Yes folks,
blogging again! I guess this is the beginning of me blogging again.  There is something about blogging that is just addicive.

I am sitting here in my pajamas just dying to write down my thoughts.  After browsing the headlines. You know...about elections Rick Sanitarium and Mitt Ramen...how US investors are eyeing vacation spots in countries where dictators have been ousted.  I remember a poetess declaring to me on a ride home from downtown Boston on the MBTA one day-- after I had confessed to her that I was an Aquarian (something that I discovered that we both had in common)-- she said, "The world just drives you crazy, doesn't it?"  I had to agree with her at that time...yes...the world had indeed driven her insane.

I don't know most of the time.  It kinda scares me how we just take our daily lives for granted.  Not savoring them and judging everyone elses. Just assuming that we will wake up in the morning and just go about business as usual.  How, we here in this great country, America feel that we are the models that everyone else in the world should follow in order to live good, righteous Christian lives.  It never ceases to amaze me how blind we are to the suffering of our fellow human beings but, also to our own reflections in the mirror.

What happens to a country that was build off of the blood, sweat and tears of other groups of human beings, but denies those human beings credit? 

Maybe, it's not my life I should fear for but, those in denial.