Time....

I wonder why people often say...I don't have time.  I've discovered (by accident I might add) that there is always time.  As a matter of fact, time is all we have...I mean what else is there.  We're using up all, the air, all the water...you can't use up all the time. You know why? Because, time is infinite... there will always be some. If there is always some, then how can there ever be none?

I made this observation, because even though I don't have a job and have eliminated the bosses and co-workers from my life that annoyed and irritated me to no end, I still have a tendency to rush.  I noticed that yesterday.  I stopped journaling and started to do work on mturk and odesk and I was rushing to the computer like I thought the world would end if I didn't reach it in time. 

What this tells me is that people pleasing is a long standing habit that I have developed from birth.  It is embedded in the very fabric of my personality and soul and I need a people pleasing exorcist to get it out. It really gets on my nerves.  Now, you ask, "What's wrong with people pleasing? I mean so many people walk around talking about pleasing God ...Looks like you gotta try to please somebody."

What's wrong with people pleasing versus pleasing God is that God is a lot easier to please than people are.  People are never satisfied, especially when the source of all their gratification comes from outside of them.  I don't have to do a heck of  a lot to please God.  He, She, We, They, It just wants me to acknowledge Him, Her, Them, Us.  How many people do you know are happy with the fact that you just know that they exist?   I can't think of one.

Anyway, I want everyone or anyone who reads this to know that I really missed my blog and pretending to have a captive audience.  Well, I do have a captive audience.  But, that's another blog.  Much love, peace...I see you!

Okay...My Daughter...Again

She returned yesterday to get her stuff.  I felt a slight relief and I felt kind of sad.  I had walked around earlier in the day trying to inventory her stuff. She was so attached to her stuff that when she left all of those things, I was incredulous.  But, I left as much of her posessions the way they were. (Except, I broke my thong sandles and borrowed a pair of hers to wear around the house.  I'd hoped she wouldn't notice.  If she did, she didn't say anything).

I looked at the back stilletos that are lined up against her wall in her room.  I remember leaving many places in a hurry in my life.  I've always left in a hurry, without thoroughly planning where I'm going.  I've ended up here...Where the hell am I?

Actually, I'm not sure wether I should answer that question now or save it for another blog post.  I'll save it.  On with my daughters stuff. I used some of her gel yesterday on my hair because the curl q's in my head were coming undone.  I wondered if she'd notice.  I had borrowed a pair of her earrings and I'd slept in her bed, trying to preserve some essence of my daughter.  I don't know why...it's not like she's ceased to exist.

But  do I really want her back?  The way that she was?  When she came to get her stuff, I noticed a distance that between us that I'd never felt before.  I took a bath when she came.  I had been napping and it was noon and I ran some hot bath water and sat there for a while.  I got out of the tub and wrapped myself in a towel and she came to my room door and asked me if she would give me a hug.  I told her to just give me a kiss on the cheek because I was in dispose. 

She walked into the room, kissed me on the cheek and proceeded to look for the cat that she begged me for and then left for me to take care of.  I don't remember wether she kissed me or not. 

I suppose I still have a little anger at my daughter because she left all of a sudden like.  A sudden breaking a way that I was neither warned of nor was ready for.  One thing that I have to realize is that it's not her fault. I had been preparing myself for this break all my life.  But, not so abruptly.  But, how can you really prepare for any event in life? Life is so full of unexpected stuff and twists and turns.

She's growing, I suppose.  And I will be glad for the day when...if. Maybe, I should just be glad for this day...is

Rimes and Reasons?

What is the point to this blog.  I'm not sure.  I just know that it feels awesome write in an open forum and leave it.  Maybe, someone will benefit, maybe not.  I like blogs that help people.  Blogs that people talk about things in that help and give valuable information. I do not like blogs where you think someone is trying to impart good information and then they are just trying to get you to buy something or get you on their network marketing team.

The internet is full of phony, lonely people who put their life on display because they want to just...well...MATTER.  (Oh hell! Am I one of those people? Probably.  I'm definitely alone alot but not necessarly lonely.  I like being alone...people get on my nerves sometimes.)

Anyway.  I really couldn't think of anything profoundly meaningful to write so I just decided to write this.  And if you read it...okay.  If you don't you won't know what I said anyway...so, okay too!  I like blogging...the tap tap of my fake fingernails on the keyboard and the quiet solitude and the fact that I'm writing is enough for me to continue.

Plus, it's just good writing practice.

And it helps me keep up with myself...(Sometimes I can't make out the scrawl in my journal, especially on a bad day.)

I'm going to go make some priorities...I think I'm scared of priorities...I'm going to clean my house.

Salon

I am sitting in a salon, waiting to get my hair twisted. i have been promising myself that i would loc my hair, but i kept chickening out. I am told by the hairdresser that i have to let my hair stay unwashed for a year. Not sure that i can hang with that. I'm not that disciplined. Well maybe i am more disciplined than i thought. Maybe i can learn some semblance of discipline. I will see. The hairdresser's name is Rea. I really don't think that the keyboard of a samsung was made to blog on but, trust me, i am trying like hell. At this point my thumb hurts. But i'll keep trying...

My Daughter Again?

When I was raising my daughter, many people would tell me that they preferred to raise boys rather than girls.  I begged to differ on many occasions and although I thoroughly enjoyed raising my girl child I now understand why they say this...

MY DAUGHTER HAS GONE STARK RAVING MAD!

She is disrespectful, angry and downright hateful.  I asked her yesterday if she was hiding something from me. ( Because that's how she behaved when she was a teenager and was hiding things from me.The thing is, she's 24 and I suspect she is.  I texted her.  Boy did she get mad! She said I was picking fights and that wasn't going to make the cut.  All of sudden she seems to have turned into a total stranger overnight.

She accuses me of doing things that I didn't do.  Because, I ask myself...Did I do that? Like my car broke down and I asked her if she could loan me her car for work.  She loaned me the car and I used it for about a month. Then, she demanded it back.  I told her that I would return it and just buy  myself a new car.  She says forget it and buys herself a used car and tells me that I can keep her car.

Then she says that I wasn't going to return her car anyway.  She fabricates reasons to justify her actions and does not take responsibility for anything.
Nothing I can do about it or her.  I'd like to slap her.

She is staying over her aunt's house right now. She didn't take all of her things.
She only took some of them.  I wish she'd come get them all because the prospect of her showing back up on my doorstep on a regular to get anything is just too painful. I've made more sacrifices or this child than either of my other children.

I don't feel that she owes me, I don't appreciate her attitude towards me.

Deja vu. It's me and my mom all over again.  The difference is, she doesn't know me well and has created in her head who she thinks I am based on what my family says about me.  I tried to get to know my mom but she wouldn't reveal to me who she was.  She's my mom and I'm still me.

I don't like her.  I wonder if I will like who she becomes?