Whoever said, "Home is where the heart is", hit the nail right on the head. I am just returning from Boston where I was raised and I really wanted to stay. I didn't want to come back to Georgia. Not that there is anything wrong with Georgia.
I'm just not sure where my loyalty lies. I've lived in Georgia for the past sixteen years and have vowed to go home to Boston many times, but I've stayed, not out of a sense of loyalty, but out of sense of complacency...I guess.
I enjoyed my trip to good ol' Boston there and found it extremely difficult to leave my sister, brothers, nieces and nephews. I'm back here in good old Georgia and I can't believe that my desire to go back home has waned considerably since I walked through the door.
So where is my heart? I may have left it in Georgia so that it'd be waiting for me here when I got back.
I don't know. I have met many people who have lived in Georgia for many years without ever becoming passionate about being here. Maybe they were just passionate about being and if you are passionate about just being, maybe it doesn't matter where you are? I have stayed, but I'm not passionate. Too many issues here (where? my heart?). Yet, my feeling is that it doesn't really matter where I am...Does it?
I'm going to have to think over and muse these things again. And take that picture off of my profile...my sister says it's dreadful.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Priorities
I'm setting my own priorities today. I've been making everyone else's life my priority. My job, my children. I have to speed up slow down to everyone else's pace when I don't gauge my own. And I frequently, I forget the importance of gauging my own pace. Then, I have to deal with the fallout. I'm dealing with fallout now. So, today, I will take my time and put what I can on the back burner.
There are no fires today and these out of body experiences that come with losing myself in other peoples affairs are getting old.
I'm too old for this. I know that something in my life needs to change. I will sit and wait and look and develop the courage to do what I need to do. I will continue to do the things that make me feel complete and whole and not the flesh eating activities that society forces on us.
I'm tired today. I overslept and Dante was late for school. My legs are numb from running from here to there. I forget who I am when who I am depends on the likes and dislikes of those around me. Forgetting myself...me is a luxury that I just cannot afford.
There are no fires today and these out of body experiences that come with losing myself in other peoples affairs are getting old.
I'm too old for this. I know that something in my life needs to change. I will sit and wait and look and develop the courage to do what I need to do. I will continue to do the things that make me feel complete and whole and not the flesh eating activities that society forces on us.
I'm tired today. I overslept and Dante was late for school. My legs are numb from running from here to there. I forget who I am when who I am depends on the likes and dislikes of those around me. Forgetting myself...me is a luxury that I just cannot afford.
Monday, May 17, 2010
A Change Needs to Come
When I wake up in the morning, nose to nose with anxiety, that is a signal that something about my life needs to change. That anxiety is tapping me on the shoulder waiting for me to turn around and look at my life because the way that I'm living it is not working.
My daughter came to stay with me for the weekend and the house is filthy. I've been trying to catch up with my job ever since I got it and I'm still behind. And no matter what I do, I find myself in a crater. I need to let it go. But what do I cling to if I let this job go? So much about this job reeks that I just can't keep torturing myself like this. The buddy system exists there, like when you have a really tight circle of buddies and they hide each others mistakes but when you make one they just make sure that everyone knows. If you are in the circe of buddies, you can kill somebody and no one would ever know because, your buddies who are usually in adiministration cover for you.
I sincerely believe that is why healthcare delivery suffers so bad in Georgia. I'm genuinely afraid to get sick at home or in the hospital. When you fall sick in Georgia, you are definately risking alot. I'm tired. I'm not angry. I've kind of accepted the corruption that I've seen in this agency. The resistance of people to do the right thing is just a sinister cloud that hangs over the world these days. I expect to see archangels flying through the sky on white winged horses any day now. ..
Anyhoo. My daughter said she had to leave cause the house was too dirty. When I got home she was gone. At first I was mad and I thought "how rude". But, when I think about the nausea that comes when I'm confronted with someone elses squallor, I fully understand where my baby si coming from. I fully applaude her for saying, I can't deal with this and leaving.
I wish I could do that. I am uncertain as to what to do with this job. The inconsistency, the exhaustion, the sabotage is really not worth the effort. I'm definately going to look for something else. I can't keep hurting myself like this.
Gotta change somethin'.
My daughter came to stay with me for the weekend and the house is filthy. I've been trying to catch up with my job ever since I got it and I'm still behind. And no matter what I do, I find myself in a crater. I need to let it go. But what do I cling to if I let this job go? So much about this job reeks that I just can't keep torturing myself like this. The buddy system exists there, like when you have a really tight circle of buddies and they hide each others mistakes but when you make one they just make sure that everyone knows. If you are in the circe of buddies, you can kill somebody and no one would ever know because, your buddies who are usually in adiministration cover for you.
I sincerely believe that is why healthcare delivery suffers so bad in Georgia. I'm genuinely afraid to get sick at home or in the hospital. When you fall sick in Georgia, you are definately risking alot. I'm tired. I'm not angry. I've kind of accepted the corruption that I've seen in this agency. The resistance of people to do the right thing is just a sinister cloud that hangs over the world these days. I expect to see archangels flying through the sky on white winged horses any day now. ..
Anyhoo. My daughter said she had to leave cause the house was too dirty. When I got home she was gone. At first I was mad and I thought "how rude". But, when I think about the nausea that comes when I'm confronted with someone elses squallor, I fully understand where my baby si coming from. I fully applaude her for saying, I can't deal with this and leaving.
I wish I could do that. I am uncertain as to what to do with this job. The inconsistency, the exhaustion, the sabotage is really not worth the effort. I'm definately going to look for something else. I can't keep hurting myself like this.
Gotta change somethin'.
Friday, May 7, 2010
My Friend In Deed (Part 2)
The last time I chatted with Elise was in January. She said that she had joked with her husband that she was going to divorce him.
She said ,"Yeah, he says that I wasn't going nowhere and he would kill both of us"
I said, "Elise, make sure you have someplace safe to go".
"Awww, he's just kiddin'" she assured me, "He ain't gonna do nothin', he says stuff like that all the time".
I told her, well he shouldn't say things like that".
Somehow, I got this fleeting sense that her husband was abusive. Elise hid thatwell.
She didn't look like herself and I commented on how tired she looked. She explained that with the kids and taking care of her husband who was like a kid, she was indeed exhausted. I walked out of the office door thinking to myself, why would a husband say that jokingly.
Domestic violence killings are all too common in the United States. We sneerand criticize other cultures for cruelty to women and we talk about how horrible it is. Women's organizations often champion civil rights and human cruelty violations visited on women in other countries, and I know that that is a good cause. But how can we go to another country and try to mainatin the freedom of women there when we are still making strides here. Massachusetts has an excellent domestic violence program there. Meny resources exist for women to impove their lives apart from an abusive spouse.
Domestic violence policy leaves a lot to be desired in terms of protecting women and children from crazed spouses. I have had experience with this. Protecting yourself here can be a daunting task Filing a restraining order takes lots of time and effort. When I filed against my last X, I discovered that the office was open only a few hours weekly. I had a two year old son that Ihad to take with me. And the caseworker told me that Ishould have found a babysitter. I am still incredulous.
I ended up missing my court date because I had to drop mychildren off to school and on myway to the courthouse I was stuck in traffic. Domestic violence victims usually children and a poor support system. The message that that court hours for filing and the lack of support and the ignorance of the advocate, sends a clear message in a patriarchal environment that women who are abused by there husbands are non citizes. It is likely that the woman has low self esteem and or suffers from depression. This is enough to discourage the most resilient of us.
I wish I had sat a little longer with Elise that day: to let her know that I understood what she was going through, and also tolet herknow that there are resources and support systems to support her in Georgia (however inadequate and shoddy they are. Butall of the wishing in the world won't bring her back.
I've often said that a true hero f first champions her own cause.Elise was trying to champion her cause by finally filing divorce proceeding against her husband.
She died a true hero.
She said ,"Yeah, he says that I wasn't going nowhere and he would kill both of us"
I said, "Elise, make sure you have someplace safe to go".
"Awww, he's just kiddin'" she assured me, "He ain't gonna do nothin', he says stuff like that all the time".
I told her, well he shouldn't say things like that".
Somehow, I got this fleeting sense that her husband was abusive. Elise hid thatwell.
She didn't look like herself and I commented on how tired she looked. She explained that with the kids and taking care of her husband who was like a kid, she was indeed exhausted. I walked out of the office door thinking to myself, why would a husband say that jokingly.
Domestic violence killings are all too common in the United States. We sneerand criticize other cultures for cruelty to women and we talk about how horrible it is. Women's organizations often champion civil rights and human cruelty violations visited on women in other countries, and I know that that is a good cause. But how can we go to another country and try to mainatin the freedom of women there when we are still making strides here. Massachusetts has an excellent domestic violence program there. Meny resources exist for women to impove their lives apart from an abusive spouse.
Domestic violence policy leaves a lot to be desired in terms of protecting women and children from crazed spouses. I have had experience with this. Protecting yourself here can be a daunting task Filing a restraining order takes lots of time and effort. When I filed against my last X, I discovered that the office was open only a few hours weekly. I had a two year old son that Ihad to take with me. And the caseworker told me that Ishould have found a babysitter. I am still incredulous.
I ended up missing my court date because I had to drop mychildren off to school and on myway to the courthouse I was stuck in traffic. Domestic violence victims usually children and a poor support system. The message that that court hours for filing and the lack of support and the ignorance of the advocate, sends a clear message in a patriarchal environment that women who are abused by there husbands are non citizes. It is likely that the woman has low self esteem and or suffers from depression. This is enough to discourage the most resilient of us.
I wish I had sat a little longer with Elise that day: to let her know that I understood what she was going through, and also tolet herknow that there are resources and support systems to support her in Georgia (however inadequate and shoddy they are. Butall of the wishing in the world won't bring her back.
I've often said that a true hero f first champions her own cause.Elise was trying to champion her cause by finally filing divorce proceeding against her husband.
She died a true hero.
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Thursday, May 6, 2010
My Friend In Deed
I went to the auto insurance company today to pay my bill. It had been a while since I had talked to Elise, my agent so,I decided to stop in. For the past three months or so, a couple of young men had been running the office. The last time I stopped in, I was getting used to doing business with them. But I always hoped to see, looked forward to sitting down and chatting with Elise when I was there.
When I got there, an African American woman sat at the desk. I found out that her name was Alexandria later. I said to her, " Boy, it looks like everytime I come in here there's somebody new at the desk."
She smiled and answered proudly, "Well, I'm here now. Hope I can stay for a while".
"Yeah", I replied. Then I asked, "Where is Elise?" I haven't seen her for a while?
She said, "Oh, you didn't hear about what happened?"
I sort of chuckled and smirked thinking thatshe was going to come up with some unfounded or unbelievably, gossipy rumor. But instead she replied, "Elise is dead." For a minute I thought she had gotten Elise mixed up with someone else.
"What?" I said staring through her as if I thought that I'd be able to see the lie that I knew she was telling me fade as it escaped from her mouth. "What?".
Her words grew softer and softer, and became almost inaudible to me as she spoke, bouncing off of me, hitting the wall and sliding to the floor.
"She died. Her husband, killed her and then killed himself. Right there in the parking lot. I tried to sit with my hands in my head for a minute. But the horror cut me so deep that the pain was too overwhelming to sit through.
"Oh my God. Oh my God!" I stood up and walked to the window.
At first I wanted to run outside and scream my lungs out but I just kept saying,
"Oh my God", in an effort to just begin to process what I had just heard.
And then came the flood of tears.
I'm still incredulous.
Elise was the kindest and most giving person that I had ever done business with. I'd gotten to know her over a period of four years. She always smiled and always had something funny to say. She was more than an insurance agent.She was my friend.
I apologized to Alexandria for the melt down. I was embarassed at the public display of grief, but I couldn't help it. I was overwhelmed. I still am.
I try not to question God but I began to wonder, that if he had to take someone, why couldn't it have just be her husband.
Why..of all people. Elise? And why that way? .
I remember her saying to me once that he threatens but he would never do anything. I remember telling her that she needed to make sure that she protected herself. I remember.
.. And I hurt.
I wanted to be angry and blame God, but I had to remember that He knows best and that we all have choices.
And then I decided to thank God...Thank HIm for allowing me to meet Elise and getting to know her, for allowing me to come to appreciate and admire who she was and learn from that. And most of all I am grateful to be reminded of the fact that we are all living on borrowed time and that is worth the effort to try to make the best of whatever time we have here, because regardless of what choices we make, the time is not ours. I have often said, "Our children are loaners." If your really think about it...We all are.
When I got there, an African American woman sat at the desk. I found out that her name was Alexandria later. I said to her, " Boy, it looks like everytime I come in here there's somebody new at the desk."
She smiled and answered proudly, "Well, I'm here now. Hope I can stay for a while".
"Yeah", I replied. Then I asked, "Where is Elise?" I haven't seen her for a while?
She said, "Oh, you didn't hear about what happened?"
I sort of chuckled and smirked thinking thatshe was going to come up with some unfounded or unbelievably, gossipy rumor. But instead she replied, "Elise is dead." For a minute I thought she had gotten Elise mixed up with someone else.
"What?" I said staring through her as if I thought that I'd be able to see the lie that I knew she was telling me fade as it escaped from her mouth. "What?".
Her words grew softer and softer, and became almost inaudible to me as she spoke, bouncing off of me, hitting the wall and sliding to the floor.
"She died. Her husband, killed her and then killed himself. Right there in the parking lot. I tried to sit with my hands in my head for a minute. But the horror cut me so deep that the pain was too overwhelming to sit through.
"Oh my God. Oh my God!" I stood up and walked to the window.
At first I wanted to run outside and scream my lungs out but I just kept saying,
"Oh my God", in an effort to just begin to process what I had just heard.
And then came the flood of tears.
I'm still incredulous.
Elise was the kindest and most giving person that I had ever done business with. I'd gotten to know her over a period of four years. She always smiled and always had something funny to say. She was more than an insurance agent.She was my friend.
I apologized to Alexandria for the melt down. I was embarassed at the public display of grief, but I couldn't help it. I was overwhelmed. I still am.
I try not to question God but I began to wonder, that if he had to take someone, why couldn't it have just be her husband.
Why..of all people. Elise? And why that way? .
I remember her saying to me once that he threatens but he would never do anything. I remember telling her that she needed to make sure that she protected herself. I remember.
.. And I hurt.
I wanted to be angry and blame God, but I had to remember that He knows best and that we all have choices.
And then I decided to thank God...Thank HIm for allowing me to meet Elise and getting to know her, for allowing me to come to appreciate and admire who she was and learn from that. And most of all I am grateful to be reminded of the fact that we are all living on borrowed time and that is worth the effort to try to make the best of whatever time we have here, because regardless of what choices we make, the time is not ours. I have often said, "Our children are loaners." If your really think about it...We all are.
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