Day 20: New Shoes

I'm wearing new shoes, standing in them.  Not the kind leather kind that you get at the store, but the kind that life hands you when you've either grown out of the old ones, or they get holes in them or the heel wears down, or you don't have anything in your spiritual and emotional closet that doesn't match anymore.  I'd say the last choice is the most appropriate one for me.

I've always loved shoes.  In my younger days I would buy only leather shoes.  I loved colorful sandles and patent leather stilletos and leather boots and sturdy sneakers. If the shoe fit, I'd wear it.  I hated shoes that were uncomfortable or too small.

You can always buy a cute  new outfit to adorn yourself in, but shoes are the things that take you where you want to go.  They have to be comfortable, and sturdy for you to be able walk, run, climb, jump,  over lifes little bumps and mountains in the road.

Shoes

We take everything for granted in life.  We assume that we will have shoes.  the appropriate ones.  We assume that everyone else has shoes.  The appropriate ones.  And when we see someone without shoes-the appropriate ones-we look and whisper to each other.  we don't walk up to the person and ask them where their shoes are, or why they don't have any, or if they'd like to borrow ours. We just assume that they are too lazy to get some or that they- through their own carelessness- or lack of foresight or motivation or diligencefailed to get them...or a million other assumptions, judgements and implications and conjecture (That word conjecture makes me laugh...I have a problem with conjecture.  If you can't prove what you claim..it's cosidered conjecture.  I call it creativiy-.people in an overentitled and selfish society grow up in can make.

We never think that one day, we may have to walk around without shoes, due to old age, or illness or any number of  surprises that life can heap on you. None of us were born with shoes. we acquire them throughout a life span. Any of us...can lose our shoes.
You can walk around without them, but it makes gaining your footing much more difficult. Trapising terrain that is harsh or too soft can be painful and dangerous., it's much more painful without shoes.  If you trip over a barrier and fall you could injure your foot and be out of commission for much longer, this causes journey delay as,  you have to wait till you heal or (heel).

 Some shoes help excercise your muscles and keep your legs strong.  So they are a vital part of our existance.  They help sustain us. And our shoes are especially custom made for us.  We can loan someone our shoes...but they will never quite fit the other person, the same way that they fit us. Or carry us on exact same path...  They can only approximate these things for someone else.

I've always loved shoes.

I don't think it's an accident that when I first became independent, I would always by the nicest shoes that I could find.  Back then, I barely knew what shoes were for.  I simply bought them because they looked nice and they were comfortable and helped to protect my feet. 

Back then, I didn't know what my feet were for either.

Day 8: The Buzzer

Is that your final answer?  That's my final answer.  Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Huh? But, I thought.  I could've sworn. I...Yi, Yiiiiii. I.

I have resolved to move.  I need to move.  I need to move out of Georgia.  I need to go.  I'm tired.  I have worked here, I have struggled here.  I have fought here...I am tired.

I had decided that I would move to Boston.  I don't want to move to Boston just yet.  I am trying to launch a writing career.  I will make my way up the east coast, but I don't want Boston to be my first stop.  I need spiritual peace and quiet.  I need to still my entire being, my soul.

This morning when I awakened,. The buzzer sounded loud in my head. I thought I had changed my mind.

The buzzer consists of  lack of confidence, guilt, low self esteem.  Should I buy a new outfit? Bzz. Should I go to the hairdresser? Bzz.  Should I take a class. Bzz.  Wrong answer. BZZZZZZZZ!

I envision myself with my hobo pack on my back...hanging on  a stick.  My belongings tied in a blue or red dotted handkerchief.  My left hand steadying the stick on my shoulder, while the right holds my young son's hand.  We melt into a beautiful sunset and the credits roll. But this is just part one of numerous episodes of my life.

I have to leave this place.  I have to leave this place, not because of this place, but because of me.
Sifting through my emotions is grueling.  This is not a good time  to leave because, Brave Old Soldier is sick.  This is not a good time to leave.  But, I am emotionally and spiritually bankrupt and I need to replenish who I am.  Otherwise, I will not be able to build my son up to be who he is. Or, take care of  The Brave Old Soldier when the time comes.

It is our spirit and emotion along with our intellect that makes us who we are.  We can operate independently of either emotion or intellect, but not our spirit. Although, our spirit can function independently of us.  (Some would argue that this is not true. Let 'em argue).

It is essential that I leave the place, to preserve what is left of me, my war torn soul. 

Sometimes, I imagine that I feel like a soldier preparing to return home from battle. 

Day 7: Hard Pill to Swallow

 

My life today is a hard pill to swallow, today.  I look around my house, my room,  my mess and see nothing but disarray.  I’m angry.  I live here, in angry disarray. 

I’ve always wanted to think that I could live my life alone in a vacuum where people are less likely to hurt disappoint you and cause you pain.  I was supposed to take my elder sister to the airport today, but I lost my phone. Now, the next time I need her, she won’t be there for me.  She will leave me, abandon me.

Hard pill.

That fact scares me more than the person who burglarized  my house on Monday.  It is sunny outside today.  I spoke to my friend at work. She is having a baby.  At 45.

I was one of the first people she told when she first found out that she was pregnant.  I was honored to know. She is funny, taking notice of the many changes in her body, enjoying them and dismaying them and wondering why these things happen.

I can’t have anymore-thank God- children that is. At 54 I don’t think I ‘d want anymore. 

Sometimes, I think that my world is too small. How do I expand it…make it bigger? More exciting. What do I want from it.  Who knows?

Maybe this blog is enough for me.

Day 5-Home

I'm home.  I've never been as conscious, as awake, as sober when I'm home as I am now.  I am tired. Exhausted.  I've driven home -to Massachusetts- and it has taken me about 3 days to rest up.  I'm still tired though.  I feel as though  My journey here was smooth.  I drove to D.C. and stayed overnight with my nephew, napping for 4 hours.  And then I continued. Here.
I look around Boston, the Dorchester area and it seems that nothing has changed much. Except that the city, the streets look cleaner.  The demographics has changed slightly.The neighborhoods are more diverse than before. But, then the city has always been diverse.  Grove Hall has a Dunkin Donuts.  Not as many buildings are boarded up and left to rot off their foundations like before. 
My brother, after ten years was able to rescue my grandmother's house after it was sold.  By my aunt and uncle to people who were not able to pay the mortgage. My brother is in the process of renovating it.  It had been gutted by a fire a couple of years ago.  It doesn't look exactly the same inside, but it is still beautiful. As I walk into the yard,  I open the gate, my mouth gapes open.  So many memories.
Memories.
Visions of Nana in the front yard tending to her flowers. Or, sitting on the porch with friends in the summer.  As I enter the enclosed porch, the smell of dinner cooking and seeing the windows steamed from the heat in the kitchen.  Or, watching Nana can her vegetables from the fall harvest of her garden or make homemade soap in a huge metal tub. 
Mother upstairs in her room, glasses hanging off her nose while she reads the bible. Offering  various snacks from the health food store and watching old movies on the tv. I loved mother's room. It reminded me of an old attic.  A flea market.  I would walk around her room and just look at things. Pick things up and put them down.  I used to tell her how much I loved her room because it had so many things in it.  She would just laugh.
Holiday gatherings with family and friends that we usually do not see throughout the year. Or had not seen for many years.
Sooooo many memories.
The bathrooms have the original tiles. The main bathroom is black and white.  The tiles are in a parquet pattern and black and white.  The bottom 1/2 bath...washroom is pink and black.  and much of the original wood and mouldings remain. 

I look out the back door and see that the yard is still the same.  No flowers though and new trees, fruit trees have sprung up in places where there was at first one...then none.  My eyes navigate the layout to look for the blueberry bush...

When we were kids, we would get to the gate and swing it open and catapult to the back. The clinking of the latch echoes in my mind along with the laughter and breathlessness, that I had upon reaching the backyard. Racing towards the swings, my sisters and I would sometimes fight about who was to swing  first.  I don't remember who always won. I don't even remember who won most.  I do remember though, that we'd end up taking turns.

The nursery school, now boarded up. Memories.  Some good, some not so good. Nevertheless, it is good to have memories. 

It's good to be home. I've never appreciated home as much as I do now.  "Home" has a new meaning. Home is not only where the heart is.  It's where your head is too. Where you feel most loved at. The place where you can take your socks off and put your feet up and know that you have a roof over your head and where you can eat and have family and friends and know who you are. It's that place that you can  go a long way from for a long time come back to and still feel familiar. It's that place where you know you belong.

I'm home.

Day 3- What It Means to Stand Your Ground

I've never stood my ground.  I have always run away from challenging situations like a scared rabbit.  I am trying to stand my ground at work, at home, in Georgia.  It's difficult, when you have never done it before.  Coming face to face with fear, your human limitations and developing courage is what it's all about.  You don't need a gun in your hand to stand your ground.

It's real easy to be courageous when you know or think you have the upper hand.

I used to think that standing your ground meant taking action.  In the situation with my boss, I thought that had to retaliate or respond in kind.  Granted, I think she is wrong and thinks that she is entitled by virtue of her degree or status to be wrong. She thinks that she can do anything and treat anyone as she pleases.  She can.  But, what she fails to realize is that consequences exist for all the evil nasty and hateful things you do.  But, is that any of my business, what she reaps, wether she has wronged me or not?

No. It's not.

We human beings, here on earth think that we have to fix everything. We think that life itself, somehow entitles us to the things the way we want them. I've learned that life is life and it does exactly as it pleases.  Life does what it pleases without consequence.  We bear the brunt of the consequences of our actions and life's actions. What a huge cross to bear.

In order to carry it, you have to get a grip and secure your footing.

Now that being said, I am standing my ground.  Standing my ground is a show of strength. It is a message to yourself and whoever else cares to act out of their own human frailty that it is only in standing firm that you can really accomplish anything.  Strength and courage are huge character traits to accomplish.  With these two things life would be much better. The earth would not look like an ant hill that has been kicked by a busy four year old if we stood our ground.  We'd accomplish more, think more, smile more, love more...maybe.

I'm standing my ground with my boss and life.  Not out of anger or fear, but out of love for myself...and maybe for her. I want to become strong and courageous.