My Dysfunction

It is the most disastrous and dysfunctional enviroment i've ever worked in but the cuddlefish in me says that I'm gong to just stay here blend in and make myself comfortable. By the way, that cuddlefish moved every which way...But the environment was not the right one.  The scientists even moved the environment around to see if they could elicit, the correct response but no way. Cuddlefish lesson #2: NO ONE IS COMFORTABLE IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL ENVIRONMENT-not even the people who are the source of the dysfunction.

I have often been used to chaotic environments and felt alive and well in them.  I don't like dysfunctional environments anymore but my low self-esteem still whispers softly (but less frequently) to me, you deserve to be abused and used and besides these people need you to make themselves feel like big people because you are smarter than they are and it makes them feels like kings and queens to try and control you and if they take the time to be bothered with you at all you owe them because you  are insignificant. (I don't really believe this anymore but old habits die hard and so do old belief systems),  So, is that nuts or what?

I have given so much of myself away so often that it has been a way of life  I've gotten better at preserving my emotional and spiritual integrity,  but in no way have I mastered the skill.  I keep looking around for people to love me and take care of me but, even when I find them, they can't give me the love and care that I feel that I need. Besides, everyone's definition of love is changing and evolving at different speeds.  That's why it's important to love yourself first, that way you can define love in whatever way you want.

I am perfectly capable of loving and taking care of myself but oh what a difficult task.  I will keep working at it until the day my heart stops beating and my lungs collapse. <~~~~~(Extreme do or die statement).
One of my favorite sayings is: "It's a long road from here to there"...I'm closer but I am no where near:THERE.

My Internal Cuddlefish

The other day i watched a short video about a cuddle fish.  a cuddle fish is  jelly fish octopus like fish that can change it's skin to fit any environment-the color and the texture... in the sea that is.  The video showed the fish in varied  environments changing the texture and the color of its skin.  When white rocks were  placed in the environment. It was even able to mimc the color of the rocks and the sand it was on.  But when scientists took a piece of fabric and placed it under the critter, it tried real hard but was not able to mimic the fabric accurately.  It changed the color and size of it's stripes but was only able to mimic to a certain extent and never really got the stripes right.
So, it was only able to blend in ,  protect itself in an environment that was natural for it. 


Watching that cuddlefish thing, kinda reminded me of myself.... I'm soft, flexible and often try to mimic environments that are unnatural to me.  That cuddle fish even stretched it's arms in the direction of the stripes to try to blend but try as it might, it couldn't do become a piece of stripe fabric.( it was kind of funny). Anyhoo...as i was saying,  Always tryna blend in in places that I'm really not welcome.  I've always thought of myself as pretty versatile.  But, when you really get down to it, I don't care how versatile a finite being is at some point or another it comes nose to nose with it's limitations, as I have with mine.  Limitations serve multiple purposes. Two that I've discovered are:1)They  allow room on the road of this journey for the other guys and 2)They keep you safe and healthy.  If you are not aware of them or ignore them, it leaves you on a collision course with the other guys that above all things can open to many things that make you unsafe and unhealthy.
Everybody probably has some cuddlefish in them at some point n their lives. Some people will simply be cuddle fish all their lives. It's good to be able to think outside of the box but it makes life much easier if you are outside of a box that you are familiar with...that is yours.

 I'm kinda cuddlefishy.  R U?

Why I'm Addicted to Coffee

The coffee gods summon me every morning as I awaken and guide me to the coffee pot. If there is no coffee, I hastily drive to the store to get a cup as if I fear that they will run out.  Love coffee...and the I've sacrificed myself to it every morning since I was sixteen years of age.  It all started when I was in prep school and my english teacher Ms. Palmer would set up a coffee bar in the room.  I would rush to the table and make a cup of spiced tea.  Instead of focusing on the book discussion at the time, I would focus on the tea, the aroma of spices floating through my nostrils, I would focus on the taste of spices and orange tang flowing over my tongue and down my throat...and when the cup was finished, I would focus on deciding wether or not I should get another cup but sometimes class was over and I would just forget! It wasn't coffee but it had caffeine in it and it was a great way to start the day.

I graduated to coffee later, and became addicted.  I depend on coffee to wake me up, love and appease everyone and  be interested in the days events.  I bet if you find 10 coffee drinkers, they are the nicest people in the world and they are chronic people pleasers.  Maybe I'm wrong but I swear that I've unfairly depended on the coffee gods to motivate me and make everything okay. I thank them because for years -as far as I was concerned-they did provide me with a savory escape. But, examining my life lately, really looking at it and  thinking about it, it's time for me  to wave a teary goodbye to the coffee gods.  They've been really good to me over the years but I have to kick, well maybe modify, this addiction so that I can retrieve the pieces of my personalitiy that are so near and dear to me.

I thank Ms. Palmer and I sure miss that spiced tea.