Now What?

Okaaaay...?  Not sure what the point of that last post was but I wrote it so, I must've had something in mind.  My peacefulness returned this morning.  Sometimes I wonder where it goes.  In the land of sugar...it disappears quickly.  I must avoid that sweet villain at all costs.  It drives me temporarily insane...for days on end.  Who'd a thunk that sugar could create catastrophe's?

I spend my days trying to train myself not to hoard useless objects.  Pieces of paper and spinning tops that I cling to in order to confirm my realities.  Nervous, I shake a lot.  Inside that is.  I wonder a lot about things that I don't know the answer to. Like, why hasn't my eldest brother who has been in Georgia for two weeks not returned my phone calls.  And why does my eldest sister, not return my phone calls.  And why in a family with seven children do I feel like an only child?

Heaven knows.  I struggle not to feel sorry for myself.  I think the key is to love myself as best I can and to look for friendship and companionship elsewhere.

After eating one pancake with some sugar and sipping some decaf with milk and Stevia, I'm jittery again.  Not so much thinking about my family members.  4th of July is coming up and I'm not sure wehter I'm going to drive to Columbus or just stay here and go to Stone Mountain and watch the fireworks.   I know that I want to finish Feng Shui-ing my house which is going to take a while.

As I twittle my thumbs and play hide and seek with my brothers and sisters, I feel a twinge of grief.  I don't think I've ever really accepted the way that things are.  I tried at one point but, I guess I wasn't successful.  No one ever visits.  I receive phone calls more often for advice and requests than I do to see how I'm doing...but that's their choice.  I realize that my family doesn't really know who I am.  Apparently they are not interested.  What a weird thing to acknowledge.  Now what?

The Universe of My Familiar

I have spent most of my  life trying to introduce myself to the world.  Trying to let  the world know that I'm okay capable of loving  and being loved  and that hey!~ I'm here to help.  Overestimating my importance in the role of the spin of the world, I felt guilty each time I thought it was whirling in the wrong direction.  I have often been confused about what I exist on this earth for, what is mine to control  and what is not. I've felt like af failure each time I snapped my fingers and things did not fall into place.
In the world of vicariousness life is fantasy and fiction.  Wishes are not horses and beggars always walk where they needed to go.  I still fantasize.  It keeps me from feeling the lashes of the consequences of some the poor choices that I've made in life and  for as long as I can dream, I feel safe. I sleep better. 

Real life, though,  is part fantasy...interrupted sometimes by  the harsh realitiies that we would like to escape but persistently nip at our heels when we try to run away.  If it werent for my abiltiy to wish and dream those fantastical dreams, I'm not sure I would have survived, or lived any at all or thrived at all.  Some of the realities aren't so harsh...and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between reality and fantasy.  Period.

I realize today that I don't have to work so hard at living life, sifting through the carnage of my choices, struggling to distinquish between what is real and what is not.  Living is fact of life...wether we like the way our lives present themselves or not.  If we open our eyes every morning...we are bound to live... whether we like the life that we live or not.  That is the universe that I came from.  The universe created me..it knows me...  I don't have to tell the universe who I am.

What It Is, Like It Is...

My first niece...Niecy was two years old when I first met her.  She visited Boston with her mother and my brother  (her father) way back in 1970.  shw was the cutest thing.  Wavy black hair with two pony tails.  Her mom would ask her "What it is Niecy?" and she'd joyfully reply` "Like it is!".

Back then, I thought this was just a cutle little ebonic super-mini philisophical gibberish discourse.  I would think to mysself...how stupid?  What is that supposed to mean.  But, as I've grown, I realize that that is life.  What is--is indeed--like it is. I mean, how else can " it"  be? I realized how difficult it is to face reality sometimes...even with life being as simple as Like it is.

I've written extensively in my journals about how hard we humans work to run away from life.   And how hard we strive for vicarious ness.  Nothing about " real do we choose to face" with the pervasive keep up with the Joneses society that we live in.  Not only these days do we try to keep up with the Jonses, but there are the Evanoviches, the Smiths, the Williamses....

We are proverbial hamsters.....running on a noisy wheel that just gets bigger and bigger and llouder and louder...

I'd like for my life to mean something.  If not to anyone else, at least, to my children.  I'm tired of guessing at what my life should be.  Trying to live an American drearm that has only been fantasy. ( And where did that come from anyway?) 

Where am I going with this?  Who knows?

I Don't Want to Blog Anymore

I don't want to blog anymore.  But, I think I'm addicted to it and plus, I like reading other peoples blogs and hope that one day someone will like reading mine.  I woke up very sad today.  I went to Virginia last week to visit a friend and the trip was not as enjoyable as I would have liked.  That's life.  My little son is going to Virginia next week with his dad.  That makes me sad too.  He'll be back though.

 I am tired and fed up and ranting...don't ya just love to rant sometimes?

(I don't even know what I'm tired and fed up with).

Am I confused or what?

I have a song in my heart...a story in my mind. God knows what else is at hand.

A bill collector called me and informed me that I was being sued today.  That's okay...I'll just counter sue. 

I am upset about many things today:

The fact that I may not be going to Martha's Vineyard. 
The fact that Daddy is in the hospital and I have not gone to visit him yet.
The fact that I rarely hear from my family unless they want something.
The fact that I haven't written one damned story yet.
The fact that mother is not here.
That Lois is gone, that I got to know Joan too late.
That we no longer go to Nana's on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Labor Day or Easter.
That we don't go to Aunt Mae's on those holidays either.
That I don't understand life better.
That life doesn't seem to agree with me.
That the sky is not paisley purple, shocking blue and hot pink.

I feel absent.  Have you ever felt absent? Like you exist but aren't here?