Changing Life

I tried to tell my elder sister that when you become a middle aged malcontent, job hopping is not the answer.  Your soul, not your pocket is screaming for a change.  I think I offended her, because she came back a few hours later and said something like, I'm satisfied with the spiritual changes in my life...or something or other that I didn't hear quite clearly.  Matter of fact, it took a couple of hours for me to even realize that she was referring to what I had said earlier. 

I'm a malcontent, that means that I am not happy with my life.  I slept in this morning and when I woke up, I realized that I have to make a change.  I have to make some changes in the way that I live my life.  It's kinda scary to think about but it's even scarier to continue in the manner in which I am living.  I just can't keep this up.

I'm kinda living and pretending to be happy but I am like a candle slowly burning out.  It's not the first time that I've burnt out, but it will be the last. That's my promise to myself.

I'm tired of dancing to the undanceable rhythm of societies drums.  I had a dream that someone stole the company computer out of my car and hacked into it making all of the data in it into comic strips.  I had gone to visit a patient as in pay a social call and I had left my computer in the car. It was the red car that was impounded about a month ago when it broke down on the side of the highway and I had not money to have it towed. 

Now I don't have the money to get it out of tow and I've been drivng my daughters car for the last two weeks.

I'm tired.  Trying to hang with my mege-energy sister has drained my energy. I'm tired of drinking cup after cup after cup of maxwell house and tea, when I can't find the maxwell house or have run out.  So what do you do? I have to have money to pay my rent.  I have to have money to buy gas to go to work, I have to...

I'm going to change something, I have to I know what it is....but I won't say.

After, I discovered my computer in the dream (the thieves had put it back), it caught on fire in my car  via spontaneous combustion then eventually the whole car blew up. I asked people to call the fire department but, apparently no one did until the car blew up.

I can't wait for my car to blow up to do something about my life.  The time to fix what is broken is now. It's urgent.

I'm starting today.

From Here to There

As I've decided to journey, by journal/blogging my angst, it is not easy or easier.  I still feel guilty sometimes writing what I'm writing and fearing what people will think about my views.  Forget them.  I'm moving on.  And I have to go where others dare not. So, here we go.

I woke up feeling really bad.  I fell  of of my QuikTrip Cappucino wagon the other day.  I have stopped drinking it because it makes me really hyper.  An the other day, I just went and got a cup and added it to the already 4 cup coffee pot that I drank that morning. 

I love coffee, but the false energy that it provides me with doesn't feel so good anymore.  I guess because I'm older and have my own energy source. Or maybe it's because my brain chemistry is different or maybe my body just can't keep up with the energy false energy that caffeine provides.  Nevertheless, I decided to overload myself with coffee and became very jittery and nervous for two days.

Then, in order to help myself ...I went to the store and bought lots of sugary things and then I drank milk (drinking milk, for me,  is the kiss of death. It makes me very sleepy).  I just went craving crazy.

But I feel better this morning.

A little.

I want to write for a livng.  How do I get where I'm going? I read all of these Zen and motivational blogs this morning by young, handsome, men.. not necessarily white?  What is it that a young handsome man with children and a wife can tell a mid middle aged african american woman single parent twice divorced about changing her life that she will listen to and will help her?

I don't know.  I'll just keep reading.

Write from the Heart

I find that if I stop to think about what I'm writing about for too long, I start to tweak it and it becomes disingenuous... I don't even know  if that is a word, but that is what my writing becomes if I stop too long to think about it.  That clever "critic" come in to the room, looks over my shoulder and says things like, "you shouldn't write that, that sounds silly, people are going to thing you're crazy!"

It's amazing how I've learned to quiet that voice, but not completely block it out. ( My heart thumps loudly in my chest as I'm writing this.  My mouth goes dry and I gulp). Journeying to the center of my angst can be a sometimes treacherous and bumpy-to say the least- journey.  It never occurred to me how many lies we tell ourselves daily, to keep ourselves going, to make ourselves and others comfortable.

I have had to be committed to telling the truth while writing this. I have probably typed  some deceiving editiorial while typing this blog some mornings.  I have only to go back and look at my previous posts to see what they are.

But, one thing that I'm aware of is that my truth is not necessarily someone else's.  That's different from lying.  The problem with American society or societies in general is that we have a tendency to impose our truth on someone else, while denying theirs.  That is counter-productive and dangerous.  Not only, for the person imposing that truth and denying it, but also for the person being imposed upon and denied.

Statistics state that only 10% of the population  actually thinks. (My best friend who is now deceased told me this, to explain the madness that occurs these days, I'm not sure where the figure comes from, but looking at the state of the world these days, I wouldn't doubt it.).  That explained to me how we can allow our children to be sent to war, leave ourselves open to become prey for financial predators and how we can allow our lawmakers to run amock contrary to our best interests and say nothing.

This not intended to be a political blog. These are just some questions that popped into my mind on a Monday morning as I'm coming off of the weekend working, and going to work this morning. What are you thinking about?

The Journey Inward

The journey deep down inside me is infinite.  I have gone so many places inside of myself that I did not know existed that I feel like I have been around the world many times and back. And yet, I know that there is more.  I used to be so frightened of stepping through the looking glass to the other side of me.  And even though I still become afraid, fear is no longer the ruling emotion that it was.

I have to look at myself in order to identify my flaws and work on fixing them.  Yet, I also found that I can't fix them myself.  I have to tap into God's realm where I find an infinite source of courage and energy.  I have been so busy expending energy, that I found it almost impossible to replenish.  Especially on my own. 

I thought about how scientists tell us about the big bang and how we came about.  The theory states that all of this that exists now came from a little tiny thing.  Though many religious communities refute this, I would  not doubt it for a second, because only an intelligent being could cause something so great to come out of something so small. Think about it.

Anyway, I've had an interesting week. Although, it hasn't been ideal, it's been okay.  I've made some decisions about certain things, and come to conclusions that I don't think that I would have been able to come to if I hadn't started this blog.  I will publish this post too, even though I don't really like it or think that it is that related to the title.

After, I do that, I'm going to go wake up my nine year old male child and get him dressed for school.  I will get dressed and go to work after he gets on the bus for school and we will start our day.

I on my journey and he on his.

The Dirty Room

In my room, pieces of myself litter the floor.  Throwaways, ignored and trampled to unrecognition.  I would pick them up, but the task of collecting them and categorizing them are too great, too final and so I must allow them to lie there in plain view, tattered clues and reminders of who I am, was , might have been, might be. A goldfish box whispers "mama".  A roll of tape yells "nurse". Pens, writing pens, pencils, notebooks and migrate, torn an faded journal pages firmly state "writer"...

Just Another Manic Monday

I awakened in a frenzy this morning. Why not? My car that I need for work is out of commission.  My daughter loaned me hers.  I have no gas money, I didn't finish my work for the weekend.  I have no food.  But who wouldn't be frantic?

Me.
or is it, I?

Instead of focusing on what I don't have, I decided that I would focus on what I do have... First and foremost, faith in a God that is infallible, three lovely children, my health (mental and physical), a roof over my head, a cat, cable the internet, and blogger.  Who can't appreciate these things?

I decided this weekend,-when I was driving around in my car about to run out of gas- that I would stay on the path that I'm on because I know that it leads to somewhere.  And that's where I wanna go.

Curiouser and curiouser...

Is This the Way to Emerald City?

I am on vacation.  Well, I wouldn't really call it that.  I took a week off from work to be with my son during his spring vacation.  My car broke down and I left it on the side of the road collecting bird droppings. Then, I received a notice from the towing company saying that I owe them 200.00 which I didn't have in the first place. I've been in the house all week and the only time I went outside was to barbecue on easter because my air conditioning went out and it was too hot to turn on the oven.

I have no money.

I'm not complaining, just setting up this situation so that I can talk about it in my blog.

I am tireder than I was the week before this vacation.  No wonder I went into a slump  before hand.  I have not left this house to go see any sight.  I wanted to go home to Boston but with no car and no cash, I would have had to hitch hike or take a cab and neither one of those options appealed to me. Especially, with a nine year old with spring hayfever in tow.

But, I've been thinking alot since I have been off work.  I have been thinking about me, my life and what I need to do to make it more enjoyable.  Some people would say that life is not supposed to be enjoyable.  But, I don't believe that.  I've had this horrible discomfort from being still.  I think it was a good idea to take time off because I have an inkling that I was about approaching another episode of burnout.  This way I've slowed the process a bit to a crawl...but I still feel like I'm headed to burnout station.

Is this the way it feels after being in a profession so long.

I'm not desnsitized.  I'm just damned tired.(Excuse me for saying the D word)

Anyway, I called my sister the other day and told her that I was tired and had this feeling that I just couldn't go anymore.  She says, "Now don't start that mess, you can do it, just keep going".  Then, I said, I want to do something else for a career, I can't do this anymore.  She said,  "You have to.  You have to have money to survive, while you are figuring out a way to do what it is that you want to do."  I told her that that is something to think about.

The fact, that you have to have money to survive.  Well if you have to have money to survive, what does it take to live. I'm tired of just surviving.  I'm ready to move it up a notch.  I'm still thinking about the money requirement for survival...

Curioser Still

Last night I had a dream that I was taking care of my two exes or that they were still in this old  apartment.  First, I had a dream that I was taking care of some prisoneer, transporting him here there, feeding him, then I was in a car where locusts were getting in from a swarm.  Then somehow, my first husband comes to visit and doesn't leave.  Everytime I see him, he has his head under the covers.  My second husband is still the casanova that he's always been and he has some little chippy as his girlfriend.  He's feeding her and my youngest who is still a baby in this dream is hungry.  I tell my second ex this and she pipes up and I  tell her to mind her own business, Joe tells her it would be best if she leaves for now.  I then go to talk to my first ex to ask him when he is going to leave and he says that he is staying so that he can finish his MD. I become livid and say to him...I thought you had your MD.  He never answers.  In the meantime I go back to the second ex and he's feeding some young woman in the kitchen.  She's young.  Kind of attractive, so I say to my ex, the baby doesn't have any food.  She pipes up and answers.  I tell her I'm not talking to her...and he tells her to leave.

That's not all of the dream but that's all that I care to discuss... I end up going into a rage, throwing a frying pan at ex number two, which hits the baby.  Then, the fight continues with both exes and I end up pulling a pseudo-seizure which I wake up performing with my head hanging off of the bed.

I need a long break from work.  I don't know how I'm going to get it but the isssues, that hinder me in life are so well hidden in my compulsion to stay on the run.  No wonder I went into a slump before vacation and found myself extremely anxious at the beginning of my time off.

I need some time.... I'm tired and feeling burnt out. I need time to just sit, think and write. 

Curiouser N Effin Curiouser

I'm living an ugly surreality that has me plummeting down the rabbit hole.  I took vacation.  Requested it about a month ago because I felt tired, angry and confused.  I was becoming forgetful and apathetic. I don't think that my request was put in soon enough.  I feel just as exhausted as I did or worst than I did while I was working and I'm not sure why. Although I do have an idea.

I'm losing my mind.  I periodically do and I lost my mind last year around this time.

I promised myself after that last episode of burnout that it would not happen again.  Here it is though.  I think that my slow but sure separation from reality has to do with my cirumnstances.

About two weeks ago, my car-that I need to work with--broke down and I rented a car.  I also, in that same week signed an agreement with my landlord that stated that I owed her an exorbitant amount of money which I wasn't sure I owed her but signed anyway- out of gratitude.  I have returned the rented car and I still have no money because I was not able to work all of the hours that I needed to the first week that my car broke down. Not to mention that I didn't have that many hours the week before because I was afraid to drive my car for too long.

Then I decided, out of frustration that I was not going to get my car fixed, I had no money to have it towed and left it on the side of the road and now I owe the company that towed the care,

I can't tell wether I've been making decisions or decisions have been making me.  Either well, I can tell when I've been rushing past myself and how fast I've been going by the fallout that lays before me when I stop to rest. That's why it's so hard for me to rest.  Most of the time, the view is not very pretty when I've been "busy" doing "who knows what".

What have I been doing. Those tale tell signs of living carelessly vicariously are all over the place...unpaid bills, disorganization, clothes, paper everywhere...Like I said ugly.

I'm ready to face that looking glass while question marks with rabbit ears, strange hats and sceptors yelling "off with her head" dance happily in a circle around me.