Shift

I tried not to move.  I tried to stay still, but the thing is...I'm uncomfortable.  With myself.  What most people do when they are uncomfortable with themselves is try to change their external environment. This works temporarily.  But, for permanent relief, it is the inner environment that needs changing.

So.

Last night I was uncomfortable with how I was feeling.  I don't know what emotions presented themselves, but I was tired and didn't want to be at work.  Eventually, I ended up doing something wrong and that didn't help me feel any better.  Usually when I do something wrong it makes me feel worse.  I beat myself up, call myself names and complain the whole damned night.  I didn't do that last night.

What I did was just didn't try to talk myself into saying that things are what they are not.  I just accepted the fact that I  crappy.  That I screwed up at work and left it at that.  I don't feel good about what I did but I decided not to dwell on it and to do things differently next time.

I keep mulling over my decision to move.  I'm still not sure that that is the best thing for me to do.  For one thing, I'm nowhere near ready to move. For another thing, I haven't reached my goal yet.
I feel that if you say something, you should mean it and stick to the program.  I have to stick to the program. 

I want to write.  I want to write and publish a novel.  I won't move until I do that.  Not only that...interesting working with Doc C. I like working with his patients and I'm trying to understand what it is he does. It's hard sometimes to understand what he's doing. But, I'm getting better at it.  I've never been one to just follow instructions without asking questions.
I'm learning to do things a little differently than I used to.
It's difficult.  But, I think I have time to learn.
Sometimes time is all you need...and maybe a little patience to go along with it.

The Beginning

One of my favorite sayings or quotes is "Go until you get to the end and then stop!" I swear, that's the best advice I ever read...and it came from a children's book by Louis Carroll. 

I thought about ending my angsty blog and starting a new one. I've actually fallen in love with this blog...this one.  I started to end it and start a new one but I have decided to extend this blog by starting a new one.  I have decided to blog everyday for a year and call it a year in the life of my angst or angst too.

That's a catchy title.  I am going to blog everyday for a year.  Even if it is just one little eentsy teentsy word and an exclamation point or period or question mark...  I will try to write something everyday.
Try.

I realize that I will never get to the center of my angst...it's just too damned big and everything causes me ass itches in this messed up world we live in.  I've decided also, that I AM my angst...now how the heck do you get to the center of that?  well, saying that I  AM my angst is kind of exaggerating.  I can with much certainty say that I am the source of my angst.  Everyone is the source of their own angst.  The the majority of us won't admit it.  I can prove it. Just get up in the morning. Go straight to your bathroom mirror and stare at yourself for sixty seconds...  See?

There is not an emotion expressed that does not begin within the individual. How difficult a is that to  pill to swallow.

I find I get frustrated a lot at work.  I feel like I work with the clueless group of people that I ever worked with in my life.  More clueless than my coworkers at the infusion center that I worked with years ago that I was unjustly fired from.  I thought they were the most clueless people I had ever met.  That's not to say my coworkers are dumb.  They aren't.  They just have no vision... no clue.  Why am I stating this?   Out of frustration.

I get frustrated when I want things to be a certain way and find out that not only are they not that way, but that it is pushing the very limits of reality (and sanity) to ever think that they will ever be the way that you want or even think they should be.  (I realize that this is a very long sentence and that most Americans disdain long sentences. I guess because most Americans are illiterate).

Well, I guess I'll turn in and lie down and take my daily weekend nap and blog tomorrow.

Luv ya

Is This the Way to Emerald City?

I am on vacation.  Well, I wouldn't really call it that.  I took a week off from work to be with my son during his spring vacation.  My car broke down and I left it on the side of the road collecting bird droppings. Then, I received a notice from the towing company saying that I owe them 200.00 which I didn't have in the first place. I've been in the house all week and the only time I went outside was to barbecue on easter because my air conditioning went out and it was too hot to turn on the oven.

I have no money.

I'm not complaining, just setting up this situation so that I can talk about it in my blog.

I am tireder than I was the week before this vacation.  No wonder I went into a slump  before hand.  I have not left this house to go see any sight.  I wanted to go home to Boston but with no car and no cash, I would have had to hitch hike or take a cab and neither one of those options appealed to me. Especially, with a nine year old with spring hayfever in tow.

But, I've been thinking alot since I have been off work.  I have been thinking about me, my life and what I need to do to make it more enjoyable.  Some people would say that life is not supposed to be enjoyable.  But, I don't believe that.  I've had this horrible discomfort from being still.  I think it was a good idea to take time off because I have an inkling that I was about approaching another episode of burnout.  This way I've slowed the process a bit to a crawl...but I still feel like I'm headed to burnout station.

Is this the way it feels after being in a profession so long.

I'm not desnsitized.  I'm just damned tired.(Excuse me for saying the D word)

Anyway, I called my sister the other day and told her that I was tired and had this feeling that I just couldn't go anymore.  She says, "Now don't start that mess, you can do it, just keep going".  Then, I said, I want to do something else for a career, I can't do this anymore.  She said,  "You have to.  You have to have money to survive, while you are figuring out a way to do what it is that you want to do."  I told her that that is something to think about.

The fact, that you have to have money to survive.  Well if you have to have money to survive, what does it take to live. I'm tired of just surviving.  I'm ready to move it up a notch.  I'm still thinking about the money requirement for survival...