Tuesday Morning

SO MY BOSS CALLS ME THIS TUESDAY MORNING TO GET MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE MISTAKE THAT i MADE AT WORK.  i'M NOT FEELING AT ALL EASY ABOUT THIS.  I STILL FEEL SHAKY FROM IT AND i'M WORRIED ABOUT LOSING MY JOB. tHE COWORKER WHO WAS MY CHARGE NURSE ADVISED ME NOT TO TELL THE PATIENT ABOUT THE MISTAKE AND i TOOK HER ADVICE WHICH WAS REALLY STUPID.  i WAS EXTREMELY TIRED AND CONFUSED AND SOMETIMES iJUST DON'T KNOW WHY i DO THE THINGS i DO.  i HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO TRUST THIS PERSON BEFORE, WHERE THE HELL DID i GET THE IDEA THAt I could trust her that day? 

i was exhausted and had an emergency  that night and one of my patients was having a melt down and after the emergency. i was somewhat flustered because I could not get in touch with the doctor to ask him a vital question about this patient and as I was waiting for his phone call I decided to hurry and get my meds out.  i ended up accidently switching up my the patients meds and when i discovered this i was horrified.  i didn't tell the patient right away because i was trying to calm myself down and i didn't want to scare her.  i never completely calmed down and decided that i would wait until my patient was more awake before i explained what happened.  when the charge nurse asked me about whether i had told her or not.  i told her not yet.  she said, "no don't tell her". then she gave me a speech about how the patient's doctor would take care of it.

i knew better, but i was so sleepy that i wasn't thinking clearly. so , i did not override her.  i took her advice.  she also advised me not to put a note in the chart which i had written.  i said to her , "but they need a record in case something happens".  she said, "no". still shaken from the earlier events, i took her advice.  i'm uspet with myself for using poor judgement.  " i've used poor judgement in many matters involving my own life. i tend to be a little more cautious with someone elses.

the thing is: even with policies for transparency, many nurses think that you should not tell when you make a mistake.  many nurses.  so, mistakes still go unreported.  i've been told by numerous nurse that they never report med errors.  i always try to report med errors myself, because you have to consider the welfare of the patient.  and they need to report if something goes wrong.

i've learned a very valuable lesson.  follow my gut and don't let your charge nurse talk you out of doing the right thing.

anyway. it is kind of scary how little integrity someone has and how you can be convinced to compromise your own values if you are not thinking clearly.  always think. 

the biggest problem with society today is that we don't have the courage of our convictions--a psychology teacher that i had once said this in a lecture.

maybe is should go back to school.

Shift

I tried not to move.  I tried to stay still, but the thing is...I'm uncomfortable.  With myself.  What most people do when they are uncomfortable with themselves is try to change their external environment. This works temporarily.  But, for permanent relief, it is the inner environment that needs changing.

So.

Last night I was uncomfortable with how I was feeling.  I don't know what emotions presented themselves, but I was tired and didn't want to be at work.  Eventually, I ended up doing something wrong and that didn't help me feel any better.  Usually when I do something wrong it makes me feel worse.  I beat myself up, call myself names and complain the whole damned night.  I didn't do that last night.

What I did was just didn't try to talk myself into saying that things are what they are not.  I just accepted the fact that I  crappy.  That I screwed up at work and left it at that.  I don't feel good about what I did but I decided not to dwell on it and to do things differently next time.

I keep mulling over my decision to move.  I'm still not sure that that is the best thing for me to do.  For one thing, I'm nowhere near ready to move. For another thing, I haven't reached my goal yet.
I feel that if you say something, you should mean it and stick to the program.  I have to stick to the program. 

I want to write.  I want to write and publish a novel.  I won't move until I do that.  Not only that...interesting working with Doc C. I like working with his patients and I'm trying to understand what it is he does. It's hard sometimes to understand what he's doing. But, I'm getting better at it.  I've never been one to just follow instructions without asking questions.
I'm learning to do things a little differently than I used to.
It's difficult.  But, I think I have time to learn.
Sometimes time is all you need...and maybe a little patience to go along with it.