I'm still trying to hash out this blog thing, Try to shape it, mold it. Make it look interesting to read. Mostly, I'm writing this to try to make sense out of life and to become and "expert in myself" as Harriet Lerner puts it. I hadn't plan to blog this morning, although I was trying to decide which days I would publish this blog on. I suspect, that as I learn more about myself, this blog will become clearer and maybe, more interesting. Then, maybe not.
What prompted me to write was the realization, that I have lived most of my life...okay if you need a percentage-- maybe about a 85% of my life in a fog. This came to the fore for me when I took my son to school late this morning (he's 8) and saw that the children were having a book fair parade. Today, they were supposed to dress up as their favorite character from a book. My son wanted to dress up as Micheal Jackson. Permission slips were sent home last week, that parents were supposed to fill out and I forgot to send his back to school. I was also adamantly against his dressing up as Michael Jackson and firmly instructed my son to pick another character.
I often say that parenting is the most difficult job in the world. What makes it most difficult, is that we are mperfect human beings, who try to raise perfect human beings... Now, you can believe this or not. I have three children that I raised alone... Two are grown. I know for this for a fact. Maybe, one day I will give concrete proof but at this time, I don't feel the need to explain myself...
Anyway, I am walking my child to his class w/ 24 chocolate cupcakes in two different containers, that I bought at Walmart last night. One container is decorated with green fingers, and the other with bloodshot eyeballs and bats, plastic ornaments. As, I'm marveling at the children in the parade, and cutting through open door classrooms to try to get to the office to check my child in, I ask my son "Dante why didn't you want to dress up?" He said , "I did, as Micheal Jackson". As he stated this, he gave me a look that said, "Mommy, I really, really wanted that but you said no". It broke my heart. I had been waiting for him to inform me that he would dress up as another character, and had resolved in my mind later, that I would allow him to dress up as Micheal Jackson, but I never voiced this to my child.
I walked Dante to the office and signed him in. As I walked back to my car (I didn't cut through any classes this time). It is cold. I have on my favorite T-shirt with the Beatles Abby Road album cover, and I have no jacket on. My hair is barely combed and half tamed with a blue rubber band that I took off of a Sunday newspaper that I bought two weeks ago. I am feeling utter dismay and sadness and I think back to how much of my older children's lives I missed operating in a fog.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tossing and Twinning in My Sleep
I dreamt last night that I was in this large "house" with these two caucasian people: man and a woman who were married., I suppose I was some type of caretaker. At one point, the man propositioned me out of earshot of his wife. At first I was appalled. But, as the dream progressed, I considered taking him up on his offer and actually found myself planning a liason...
Coveting, I've often wanted what others have had because I've often felt that nothing that I have possessed of my own was ever good enough.
At one point my daughter took me on a tour of a new, cheaper apartment that she was going to live in. It reminded me of the rooms in independent and assisted living facilities that I visit sometimes. The weird thing is that she would have a roomate but one of them would have to sleep in the living room. The apartment was nicely decorated but a door was malfunctioned, I can't remember where the door led to. I'm pretty sure, that it was a closet door. (This speaks to my resistance to looking at my skeletons, I suspect).
I remember then being back in this large house, a mansion and I was in the house with my daughter. It was Halloween and I looked out of the window and these two blind guys or dressed as though they were blind, twins, were blind making their way to my front door, using those walking sticks that sight impaired people use to make their way around. I thought that they were coming to rob the house so, I screamed at Patricia, "Dial 911". When the police arrived, they made me and Patricia pull out ID to prove that we were citizens of the United States. So we did. And the police left. The blind people were gone.
I went upstairs and these two sets of twins in a room, on set sitting on each twin bed, one was doing her homework, the other watched tv. I noticed that one was slightly larger than the other. Both were light skinned and wore Afros. Two darker skinned boys were sat on the floor, watching tv.
I went downstairs and two twins, women, were peeling potatoes or apples or something, they were sitting at at a kitchen table, talking. Later they both sat on a green beat up love seat and the boys who had been upstairs, now seemed to be men came downstairs. I learned that one of them and one of the female twins were married, while the other two may have been involved but were not committed...
I remember seeing Pam, my oldest and only daughter in this dream and telling her that she looked different. I told her, "You don't look the same. Your face used to be round." Her face changed as I spoke and I thought to myself that she looked at me. But she was ugly. ( I have always seen my daughter as an extension of myself, seeing her this way as an uglier version of me, is how I truly see myself. As I spoked to her in the dream, her skin was light and greasy, a strange red yellowish color. She had acne and she would not turn completely around for me to visualize her face. I could never get a clear picture of how she looked)
That's all I remember of my dream.
The most significant part of my dream was the twins. They must represent opposite sides of me. The blind twins walking towards the house were not walking in tandem. One was way behind the other. They could have been trick or treaters but I felt that they were coming to take something from me, my house, or whoevers house it was. (I was treating it like it was mine). I suppose this speak to my desire make my way to my psychological house...the center of my angst. This is a new undertaking for me, and I am blind in this venture.
The anxiety I feel in undertaking this journey becomes apparent in my reaction when I tell Patricia to call the police. Why didn't I call them myself? I have alot of trouble setting boundaries... The boundary issue is also apparent in my considering having an affair with the woman's husband whose house I live in and the fact that I am not whose it is in the first place. By the way, being a caretaker in someone else's "house" is what I have always done. Never my own.
The twins in the bedroom, one intellectual and learning, the other goofing off. Two different sides of me.
Then the two boys sitting on the floor, both watching tv, speaks to my negative attitude towards men and their productivity or usefulness in this world as well as the masculine side of my psyche. It's odd that the twins approaching the house were male too...(My hysterics also speaks to a lack of trust of men).
The ladys downstairs speaks to my domestic side. Peeling potatoes or cooking, indicates my desire to have a home. Warm nurturing...intimate, the two twins were sitting at the table, they seemed to be the only pair of twins that had an intimate relationship. The two male twins who came downstairs speaks, I think to my desire to be fully integrated and have meaningful relationships with men, guys.
(Maybe).
Here, I have made a long story short. When I woke up, jittery and anxious, my heart was beating out of my chest. I wrote this dream in my journal so that I could analyze it.
My dreams frequently take me to places that I wouldn't go on my own... The anxiety that I feel can be extreme and frustrating. But, it provides me with a road map that guides me in the direction that I need to go.
The first two people in my dream were white, the blind twins were very light skinned, the girl twins on the bed were, light skinned but a little darker and then the boy twins on the floor watching tv were very dark skinned, the women at the table cooking were brown skinned, a little bit lighter than their male counter parts. I try not to judge people by their skin color but, I can't help but think that skin color is still a very significant issue to me when I look at this dreams, not necessarily in how I perceive other people but how I perceive myself. Female darker skinned twins were downstairs, and the twin boys darker sat on the floor. I was intimidated by the lighter skinned boys outside even though they were blind.
How could blind people rob a "house" that they've never entered before?
On with my journey...
Coveting, I've often wanted what others have had because I've often felt that nothing that I have possessed of my own was ever good enough.
At one point my daughter took me on a tour of a new, cheaper apartment that she was going to live in. It reminded me of the rooms in independent and assisted living facilities that I visit sometimes. The weird thing is that she would have a roomate but one of them would have to sleep in the living room. The apartment was nicely decorated but a door was malfunctioned, I can't remember where the door led to. I'm pretty sure, that it was a closet door. (This speaks to my resistance to looking at my skeletons, I suspect).
I remember then being back in this large house, a mansion and I was in the house with my daughter. It was Halloween and I looked out of the window and these two blind guys or dressed as though they were blind, twins, were blind making their way to my front door, using those walking sticks that sight impaired people use to make their way around. I thought that they were coming to rob the house so, I screamed at Patricia, "Dial 911". When the police arrived, they made me and Patricia pull out ID to prove that we were citizens of the United States. So we did. And the police left. The blind people were gone.
I went upstairs and these two sets of twins in a room, on set sitting on each twin bed, one was doing her homework, the other watched tv. I noticed that one was slightly larger than the other. Both were light skinned and wore Afros. Two darker skinned boys were sat on the floor, watching tv.
I went downstairs and two twins, women, were peeling potatoes or apples or something, they were sitting at at a kitchen table, talking. Later they both sat on a green beat up love seat and the boys who had been upstairs, now seemed to be men came downstairs. I learned that one of them and one of the female twins were married, while the other two may have been involved but were not committed...
I remember seeing Pam, my oldest and only daughter in this dream and telling her that she looked different. I told her, "You don't look the same. Your face used to be round." Her face changed as I spoke and I thought to myself that she looked at me. But she was ugly. ( I have always seen my daughter as an extension of myself, seeing her this way as an uglier version of me, is how I truly see myself. As I spoked to her in the dream, her skin was light and greasy, a strange red yellowish color. She had acne and she would not turn completely around for me to visualize her face. I could never get a clear picture of how she looked)
That's all I remember of my dream.
The most significant part of my dream was the twins. They must represent opposite sides of me. The blind twins walking towards the house were not walking in tandem. One was way behind the other. They could have been trick or treaters but I felt that they were coming to take something from me, my house, or whoevers house it was. (I was treating it like it was mine). I suppose this speak to my desire make my way to my psychological house...the center of my angst. This is a new undertaking for me, and I am blind in this venture.
The anxiety I feel in undertaking this journey becomes apparent in my reaction when I tell Patricia to call the police. Why didn't I call them myself? I have alot of trouble setting boundaries... The boundary issue is also apparent in my considering having an affair with the woman's husband whose house I live in and the fact that I am not whose it is in the first place. By the way, being a caretaker in someone else's "house" is what I have always done. Never my own.
The twins in the bedroom, one intellectual and learning, the other goofing off. Two different sides of me.
Then the two boys sitting on the floor, both watching tv, speaks to my negative attitude towards men and their productivity or usefulness in this world as well as the masculine side of my psyche. It's odd that the twins approaching the house were male too...(My hysterics also speaks to a lack of trust of men).
The ladys downstairs speaks to my domestic side. Peeling potatoes or cooking, indicates my desire to have a home. Warm nurturing...intimate, the two twins were sitting at the table, they seemed to be the only pair of twins that had an intimate relationship. The two male twins who came downstairs speaks, I think to my desire to be fully integrated and have meaningful relationships with men, guys.
(Maybe).
Here, I have made a long story short. When I woke up, jittery and anxious, my heart was beating out of my chest. I wrote this dream in my journal so that I could analyze it.
My dreams frequently take me to places that I wouldn't go on my own... The anxiety that I feel can be extreme and frustrating. But, it provides me with a road map that guides me in the direction that I need to go.
The first two people in my dream were white, the blind twins were very light skinned, the girl twins on the bed were, light skinned but a little darker and then the boy twins on the floor watching tv were very dark skinned, the women at the table cooking were brown skinned, a little bit lighter than their male counter parts. I try not to judge people by their skin color but, I can't help but think that skin color is still a very significant issue to me when I look at this dreams, not necessarily in how I perceive other people but how I perceive myself. Female darker skinned twins were downstairs, and the twin boys darker sat on the floor. I was intimidated by the lighter skinned boys outside even though they were blind.
How could blind people rob a "house" that they've never entered before?
On with my journey...
R U Angsty?
Before I write anything else, I want everyone who reads this, to know that this stuff is very difficult to write. As narcisissitic and -what's the word ?- histrionic as I've always been, I never thought it would be this difficult for me to write about myself and allow others to see. I've been writing since I was a little girl, but oddly enough, my reasons for putting words on paper or wherever you write them has changed. I recently had a bout with depression, which I will elaborate on at another time which was different from any other episode of the blues that I had experienced in my life. Call it a spiritual awakening, an epihany or whatever makes you happy, this last bite from "black dog" was frightening, yet enlightening in a creepy sort of way. It was like a fuse blew in my brain and I could no longer communicate with the world outside me. It gave new meaning to the term empty headed, leaving room in my head with the option of filling it with whatever I chose...maybe a new life.
Some people would just call it burnout or "going nuts", feel better and keep on moving while the next "black dog" awaited them baring it's teeth and snarling, at the beginning of a dark tunnel. Not me, I've decided to use this as an opportunity to learn everything about myself that I can. Although, I've tried to build my life and achieve happiness the traditional, materialistic, American dream way i.e going to school, getttng a job, trying to maintain a good credit rating (which has been futile), getting married and the beat goes on... I've found that if your journey in life starts anywhere except inside of you, you will eventually hit a dead end. So this new journey that I'm on, examining my anger, the core of my angst (or unhappiness with any and everything around me, to simplify a term) had to start internally.
Anyway, what came out of this was that it was recommended to me that I read a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. I'd read this book about twenty plus years ago. At that time I had borrowed it from a friend, in an effor to gain more insight about my anger issues, and hoping that it would help me learn to control my anger. I was able to manage it a little better after reading it, buy when I picked the book up to read it this time it was like I had never seen it before.
For me, it has opened up a floodgate of issues that I knew existed but couldn't quite put my finger on.
As I examine the core of my angst, which is anger, life becomes "curiouser and curiouser". So many aspects of anger exists and it affects our lives in so many different ways, I thought it was worth blogging about. I'm not sure how many posts this blog will yield, nevertheless, I am certain that this is a worthy undertaking...if not a painful one.
I am inviting whoever is courageous enough to come along with me on my journey.
If your angsty enough... that is.
Some people would just call it burnout or "going nuts", feel better and keep on moving while the next "black dog" awaited them baring it's teeth and snarling, at the beginning of a dark tunnel. Not me, I've decided to use this as an opportunity to learn everything about myself that I can. Although, I've tried to build my life and achieve happiness the traditional, materialistic, American dream way i.e going to school, getttng a job, trying to maintain a good credit rating (which has been futile), getting married and the beat goes on... I've found that if your journey in life starts anywhere except inside of you, you will eventually hit a dead end. So this new journey that I'm on, examining my anger, the core of my angst (or unhappiness with any and everything around me, to simplify a term) had to start internally.
Anyway, what came out of this was that it was recommended to me that I read a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. I'd read this book about twenty plus years ago. At that time I had borrowed it from a friend, in an effor to gain more insight about my anger issues, and hoping that it would help me learn to control my anger. I was able to manage it a little better after reading it, buy when I picked the book up to read it this time it was like I had never seen it before.
For me, it has opened up a floodgate of issues that I knew existed but couldn't quite put my finger on.
As I examine the core of my angst, which is anger, life becomes "curiouser and curiouser". So many aspects of anger exists and it affects our lives in so many different ways, I thought it was worth blogging about. I'm not sure how many posts this blog will yield, nevertheless, I am certain that this is a worthy undertaking...if not a painful one.
I am inviting whoever is courageous enough to come along with me on my journey.
If your angsty enough... that is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)