I'm tired. Thank God, I developed enough courage and forsight to ask for a vacation. This is the last day before vacay that I will work. I'm more spiritually exhausted than physically. I'm also mentally and emotionally exhausted. I need a break. My trip to Boston is off. NO FUNDS. But since I was planning on driving, maybe that's a good thing since I probably would have been the lone driver and ended up sleeping for half of the vacation. I have lots of things to accomplish here at home--which I will refrain from enumerating here-- that are just jumping up and screaming in my face! So, I will do those thing. Which is hard for me, because I have trouble staying focused on the things that are closest to me, that matter most to me, that impact my life the most. I will stop labeling this fact insane because, I realize that many people are THIS way (and I'll discuss this another time).
I can organize my disgustingly disorganized house (that's the nice way of describing it). Focus on my blog and spiritual goals and career goals. I was scared before now. I'm still scared but have the courage to walk in the direction I want to go in anyway and one day I hope to be elated that I did. It is so hard to walk on a path that is unfamiliar. But, I have to. I must. I don't know why I must, it's just this strong urge (and it makes me feel special, like I have been mystically chosen--but, I'll discuss that later too). Many people would call me crazy, but I have learned the hard way that the masses don't necessarily have the answers--which is a frightening fact).
My theme for the week: (I'm going to start thinking up themes for the week 'cause it will make it easier for my 0 reading population to keep up with what I write, as well as myself--well, mainly myself.) Oh...I almost forgot...my theme: A true hero(ine) first, champions her own cause. Tadaaaaaaaaaaa!
Have a good day!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I Have a Big Bottom
One thing that I have discovered is...that when you hit bottom in life, you hit it more than once. In twelve step programs, the last or twelfth step reads, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we promised to carry this message to others and to practice...blah, blah,blah...in all our affairs. I've realized over the years that life is a series of bottoms...and if you are open enough-- spiritual awakenings.
I've hit my bottom, for the umpteenthgazillionth time. I'm ready for the epiphany but it hasn't arrived yet. Are some spiritual awakenings so subtle, that you don't really notice the light at the end of the tunnel? I do wonder...
Anyway, I hit a huge bottom this time. And the thing about bottoms too is that, I've always thought of them as these huge trampolines. I always expect to just hit and spring back, without ever really noticing the impact all that much. I'm realizing that it doesn't happen that way. Well, I thought it did because I never paid attention to my big bottoms. I always behaved like I had never fallen. I never felt the emotions, never felt the embarrassement, anger...shame, grief or whatever...Well then again I felt it, but never at the time that I was actually visuallizing my bottom..
At my very bottom, I always numbed out so that I couldn't feel the pain of the cement that I hit. I feel it now.
Last week, my cell phone went out... just bam! Died. The cable went off, the internet went with it. And then on top of that I left my car on the side of the highway after it refused to continue any further. I need all three in order to work. I could just lay down and die.
But I've been thinking about the connection that people have to their things in society and exactly what it all means. And what I've come up with is...Hell, I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that I felt pretty uncomfortable without a car and a phone and cable. They all give me a sense of security, that I feel that I ma entitled to whether my modern conveniences are working or not. But, honestly... that is just not the case. I feel uneasy, uninformed and much less of a person because my inanimate objects that require my animation to function are not available to me.
Furthermore, these things are required in order for me to get my job done. Now what? ( I don't really need the phone to get my job done, but it makes it much easier).
So this is my most recent bottom. Now how you decide or measure the magnitude of a bottom is up to you.
For me this is huge. And to tell you the truth, I should have seen it coming. But, a part of me still has this teenaged attitude that thinks that life will bend itself to my own desires, do my bidding if I am persistent enough at ignoring the warning signals. Somewhere deep down inside there is this loud screeching voice screaming...nooooooo!!! this can't happen to me!!!
But it does.
I really hate looking at my bottom, it's just to huge to bear.
I've hit my bottom, for the umpteenthgazillionth time. I'm ready for the epiphany but it hasn't arrived yet. Are some spiritual awakenings so subtle, that you don't really notice the light at the end of the tunnel? I do wonder...
Anyway, I hit a huge bottom this time. And the thing about bottoms too is that, I've always thought of them as these huge trampolines. I always expect to just hit and spring back, without ever really noticing the impact all that much. I'm realizing that it doesn't happen that way. Well, I thought it did because I never paid attention to my big bottoms. I always behaved like I had never fallen. I never felt the emotions, never felt the embarrassement, anger...shame, grief or whatever...Well then again I felt it, but never at the time that I was actually visuallizing my bottom..
At my very bottom, I always numbed out so that I couldn't feel the pain of the cement that I hit. I feel it now.
Last week, my cell phone went out... just bam! Died. The cable went off, the internet went with it. And then on top of that I left my car on the side of the highway after it refused to continue any further. I need all three in order to work. I could just lay down and die.
But I've been thinking about the connection that people have to their things in society and exactly what it all means. And what I've come up with is...Hell, I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that I felt pretty uncomfortable without a car and a phone and cable. They all give me a sense of security, that I feel that I ma entitled to whether my modern conveniences are working or not. But, honestly... that is just not the case. I feel uneasy, uninformed and much less of a person because my inanimate objects that require my animation to function are not available to me.
Furthermore, these things are required in order for me to get my job done. Now what? ( I don't really need the phone to get my job done, but it makes it much easier).
So this is my most recent bottom. Now how you decide or measure the magnitude of a bottom is up to you.
For me this is huge. And to tell you the truth, I should have seen it coming. But, a part of me still has this teenaged attitude that thinks that life will bend itself to my own desires, do my bidding if I am persistent enough at ignoring the warning signals. Somewhere deep down inside there is this loud screeching voice screaming...nooooooo!!! this can't happen to me!!!
But it does.
I really hate looking at my bottom, it's just to huge to bear.
Friday, March 5, 2010
What I Learned From Fighting
ONe of the things I learned from fighting is that each win is not necessarily a victory. In fighting my boss at work I can say I won--kinda. I'm not being harassed anymore. She's a little more subdued. The other day she called me to start a fight and I was trying to explain something to her and she kept cutting me off. So, I finally said to her, hold on a minute so I can get my notebook. She calmed down and put me on speaker phone. I asked her why she put me on speaker phOne, she she said that her neck hurt. I asked her who else was in the room, she said my other manager. I said, okay and she proceeded to speak to me like I had one head instead of two.
Now, I could have continued to a) uselessly try and convince her to listen and try to understand what I was was trying to explain to her that she had asked me to explain to her b) hung up the phone and pretended like the call was dropped (that's the advantage of having cell phones, people can't really tell when you hang up on them like they did back in the day). c) simply just sit there in silence d) none of the above.
Frankly, the notebook maneuver was more effective in getting her attention. And her entire attitude changed. Not only that, she gave me some constructive suggestions about the situation at hand and I was grateful.
The catch though is...no matter how she is, I realize that I still have a lot of changing to do. I came to that conclusion after realizing that, I didn't feel any more secure after my manager got off my case than I did before she got off my case. So, basically, my stress level and anger and upset was not caused by her harassing me. It was caused by how I perceived her harassment of me. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. No matter how someone else is, you have to be. And how you are makes all of the difference in the world. In the world of powerlessness, that's powerful.
If I sit here and try to explain how I came to that conclusion, I will be typing for the rest of my life--alright maybe not but for a longer time than I am willing to sit here and type. I'll explain it another time. Maybe...
Now, I could have continued to a) uselessly try and convince her to listen and try to understand what I was was trying to explain to her that she had asked me to explain to her b) hung up the phone and pretended like the call was dropped (that's the advantage of having cell phones, people can't really tell when you hang up on them like they did back in the day). c) simply just sit there in silence d) none of the above.
Frankly, the notebook maneuver was more effective in getting her attention. And her entire attitude changed. Not only that, she gave me some constructive suggestions about the situation at hand and I was grateful.
The catch though is...no matter how she is, I realize that I still have a lot of changing to do. I came to that conclusion after realizing that, I didn't feel any more secure after my manager got off my case than I did before she got off my case. So, basically, my stress level and anger and upset was not caused by her harassing me. It was caused by how I perceived her harassment of me. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. No matter how someone else is, you have to be. And how you are makes all of the difference in the world. In the world of powerlessness, that's powerful.
If I sit here and try to explain how I came to that conclusion, I will be typing for the rest of my life--alright maybe not but for a longer time than I am willing to sit here and type. I'll explain it another time. Maybe...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Not A writing Kinda Day
I had these severe sugar cravings that started about a week ago, followed by fatigue and more sugar cravings. When this occurs, I usually become I'll and sure enough, I am ill. I have a sinus infection from inhaling second hand smoke at one of my client's house and I am frustrated by my inability to stay awake and focus on what I'm doing. A depression and anxiety always accompanies my illnesses. I'm grouchy, fearfull and worrisome during these times.
Usually.
I'm tired of being this way. No matter how many times I've gone through these sugar cravings because my body is screaming for energy fuel because I am in the process of or have already run myself down...I have a hard time stopping the process. My body, like and aged mule comes to a screeching halt and I doesn't want to budge. I thought well, maybe I'll put this blogging thing on hold. Or maybe I should give up my morning pages.
For the past year, I've fallen ill approximately every 2 months. I've never been so sick so often. I've been very busy, very stressed and might as well lay down in the desert and wait for the buzzards to arrive. I'm tired. But, I'm not sure of what I'm tired of and when I figure it out...what will I be able to do about it?A
As,I dorve up to my house this afternoon, some creepy white guy sitting out in fron of my house, sat there. I thought it was weird and as an afterthought, I decided to go outside and ask him if he needed some help or was looking for someone.
When I turned around to walk towards the fools truck, he looked as though he was writing something down, possibly my license plate number and sped off. I don't even have the energy to call after the fool or call the poice. If I call the police and tell them that some peculiar looking guy was sitting in the cul-de-sac near my house writing license plate numbers down, -I think--what would thaeey do.
Anyway...I think I'm getting spoiled by doing this blogg on the computer. It's so much easier than writing in the journal and my right hand doesn't hurt from gripping the pen too tight.
This is not a writing kinda day for me. When I feel like this I usually throw in the towel. I decide that I've bogged my self down by choosing to do too many things at once, and unburdening myself in my notebook each day is too much of a strain and since it's so much easier to run out into the street and please every passerby I see, I'd rather do that.
Not this time.
Usually.
I'm tired of being this way. No matter how many times I've gone through these sugar cravings because my body is screaming for energy fuel because I am in the process of or have already run myself down...I have a hard time stopping the process. My body, like and aged mule comes to a screeching halt and I doesn't want to budge. I thought well, maybe I'll put this blogging thing on hold. Or maybe I should give up my morning pages.
For the past year, I've fallen ill approximately every 2 months. I've never been so sick so often. I've been very busy, very stressed and might as well lay down in the desert and wait for the buzzards to arrive. I'm tired. But, I'm not sure of what I'm tired of and when I figure it out...what will I be able to do about it?A
As,I dorve up to my house this afternoon, some creepy white guy sitting out in fron of my house, sat there. I thought it was weird and as an afterthought, I decided to go outside and ask him if he needed some help or was looking for someone.
When I turned around to walk towards the fools truck, he looked as though he was writing something down, possibly my license plate number and sped off. I don't even have the energy to call after the fool or call the poice. If I call the police and tell them that some peculiar looking guy was sitting in the cul-de-sac near my house writing license plate numbers down, -I think--what would thaeey do.
Anyway...I think I'm getting spoiled by doing this blogg on the computer. It's so much easier than writing in the journal and my right hand doesn't hurt from gripping the pen too tight.
This is not a writing kinda day for me. When I feel like this I usually throw in the towel. I decide that I've bogged my self down by choosing to do too many things at once, and unburdening myself in my notebook each day is too much of a strain and since it's so much easier to run out into the street and please every passerby I see, I'd rather do that.
Not this time.
Monday, March 1, 2010
My Mania
I don't usuwally post on Saturday becauseI have to go to work. I realized yesterday that that mania, russhing pst myself feeling was r3earing it's ugly head again. I have to write this now because if I don't, I will forget the subject and then have to struggle later on to find something else to write again. Anyway...I'm on this writer path and the weird thing is that my anxiety level was so high yesterday that I could barely get anything done. I wrote my morning pages and everything but something was niggling at my conscience, and I didn't know what it was. Anyhow, I realize now, that I did not want to face key issues in my life, like the fact that I don't like my job.
I was at a 12 step meeting the other day and someone said? Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone that you love is walk away. That has echoed in my head. I stay on my job not because I love the people there but because they annoy me. They are annoyed by me. I don't dress well, I'm smart and I suspect that being african american on this job is an anomaly (I could write a book about it but I won't, maybe someday I will post about being african american in a country that is deliberately racist and works hard to convince everyone that they are not--there, I said it. It's taken me a long time to come out of denial myself but that's another post. And just because someone hates me for my skin color, doesn't mean I have to hate myself.. or them for that matter. So I choose love. I choose to walk away for loves sake. Don't know when, don't know how but God has worked other miracles in my life, I'm countin on Him for this one).
Anyway, I realize that that tension was a resistance to facing the truth. A denial so profound that it's like playing tug of war with myself. It is harder and harder for me to lie to myself. That in an of itself is a miracle.
I love to write...Man! Do I love to write.
Anyway, on e of the most apparent symptoms of falling inot the rabbit hole and touring wonderland for me is that racing feeling. It is so hard to honor myself and my feelings, I begin to numb out...people pleasing and addictions kick in and Melody...the real one, is dead. It's just awful. I don't want to go outside, see anybody and when I do talk to anyone, I'm spilling my guts. It's like everyone becomes a priest and confession time is here. It's weird, I'm conscious, but not cognizant. I'm confused and desparate...trying to get away from me. It's a weird way of exisiting in the world and so I try to be still....This mania is like having a gazillion leeches on you and running to try to get them off, the more you thrash, the tighter they kling and in order for them to come off you have to be still. When you are still...the discomfort is still there but it enables you to find a method of getting the blood suckers off you. You are able to think if you stop panicking.
In my mind, mania is a type of subconsicous panic.
I was at a 12 step meeting the other day and someone said? Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone that you love is walk away. That has echoed in my head. I stay on my job not because I love the people there but because they annoy me. They are annoyed by me. I don't dress well, I'm smart and I suspect that being african american on this job is an anomaly (I could write a book about it but I won't, maybe someday I will post about being african american in a country that is deliberately racist and works hard to convince everyone that they are not--there, I said it. It's taken me a long time to come out of denial myself but that's another post. And just because someone hates me for my skin color, doesn't mean I have to hate myself.. or them for that matter. So I choose love. I choose to walk away for loves sake. Don't know when, don't know how but God has worked other miracles in my life, I'm countin on Him for this one).
Anyway, I realize that that tension was a resistance to facing the truth. A denial so profound that it's like playing tug of war with myself. It is harder and harder for me to lie to myself. That in an of itself is a miracle.
I love to write...Man! Do I love to write.
Anyway, on e of the most apparent symptoms of falling inot the rabbit hole and touring wonderland for me is that racing feeling. It is so hard to honor myself and my feelings, I begin to numb out...people pleasing and addictions kick in and Melody...the real one, is dead. It's just awful. I don't want to go outside, see anybody and when I do talk to anyone, I'm spilling my guts. It's like everyone becomes a priest and confession time is here. It's weird, I'm conscious, but not cognizant. I'm confused and desparate...trying to get away from me. It's a weird way of exisiting in the world and so I try to be still....This mania is like having a gazillion leeches on you and running to try to get them off, the more you thrash, the tighter they kling and in order for them to come off you have to be still. When you are still...the discomfort is still there but it enables you to find a method of getting the blood suckers off you. You are able to think if you stop panicking.
In my mind, mania is a type of subconsicous panic.
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