I Have a Big Bottom

One thing that I have discovered is...that when you hit bottom in life, you hit it more than once.  In twelve step programs, the last or twelfth step reads, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we promised to carry this message to others and to practice...blah, blah,blah...in all our affairs.  I've realized over the years that life is a series of bottoms...and if you are open enough-- spiritual awakenings. 

I've hit my bottom, for the umpteenthgazillionth time. I'm ready for the epiphany but it hasn't arrived yet.  Are some spiritual awakenings so subtle, that you don't really notice the light at the end of the tunnel?  I do wonder...

Anyway, I hit a huge bottom this time.  And the thing about bottoms too is that, I've always thought of them as these huge trampolines.  I always expect to just hit and spring back, without ever really noticing the impact all that much.  I'm realizing that it doesn't happen that way.  Well, I thought it did because I never paid attention to my big bottoms.  I always behaved like I had never fallen.  I never felt the emotions, never felt the embarrassement, anger...shame, grief or whatever...Well then again I felt it, but never at the time that I was actually visuallizing my bottom.. 

At my very bottom, I always numbed out so that I couldn't feel the pain of the cement that I hit.  I feel it now.

Last week, my cell phone went out... just bam! Died.  The cable went off, the internet went with it.  And then on top of that I left my car on the side of the highway after it refused to continue any further.  I need all three in order to work.  I could just lay down and die.

But I've been thinking about the connection that people have to their things in society and exactly what it all means.  And what I've come up with is...Hell, I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that I felt pretty uncomfortable without a car and a phone and cable.  They all give me a sense of security, that I feel that I ma entitled to whether my modern conveniences are working or not.  But, honestly... that is just not the case.  I feel uneasy, uninformed and much less of a person because my inanimate objects that require my animation to function are not available to me.

Furthermore, these things are required in order for me to get my job done.  Now what? ( I don't really need the phone to get my job done, but it makes it much easier).

So this is my most recent bottom.  Now how you decide or measure the magnitude of a bottom is up to you. 
For me this is huge.  And to tell you the truth, I should have seen it coming.  But, a part of me still has this teenaged attitude that thinks that life will bend itself to my own desires, do my bidding if I am persistent enough at ignoring the warning signals.  Somewhere deep down inside there is this loud screeching voice screaming...nooooooo!!! this can't happen to me!!!

But it does.

I really hate looking at my bottom, it's just to huge to bear.