Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Where Is Monday?

I slept really hard yesterday.  I slept from 10 am 'til about 4:30 pm.  My young son came in from school at 3:45 pm yesterday and tried to wake me up.  I was cognizant enough at one time to tell him that he couldn't go outside because he did not come home in the time frame that I gave him on Sunday.  I hate it when he goes outside while I'm sleep..but that starts another episode.

So, I finally wake up and the rest is history 'cause (hell) I don't remember much else except taking to Benadryl because my nose was itching and falling asleep  last night while I was talking to my friend in Virginia on the phone and getting her permission to get off the phone.  ( I say permission 'cause she never wants to get off the phone and likes to stay on the phone for hours talking. I used to do this too but, I don't like talking on the phone that much anymore.  I guess because phones are so available...you just can't get away from 'em).

Okay, so my weekend was dominated by taking care of a young girl on her deathbed.  People kept saying, "Oh, it's so sad", in regard to her dying.  It is sad...but people kept chanting it like some spell that would make you feel remorse for her eminent demise.  It is sad that this young girl was dying for many reasons 1) She had a short time to prepare.  It is never a happy occasion when you find out that you only have three weeks to live after battling a disease for years. 
                       2) She is a mom.
                       3) Her life could have been prolonged by some basic knowledge.

The last one is the one that upsets me the most.  (Stepping up on soap box.  Left leg and ankle still hurting from standing on it for prolonged periods of time, while running up and down the hallways at work.) It bothers me because this is the key reason why Republicans don't want universal healthcare.  They don't care about people being required to buy health insurance.  This it the thing...We are required to buy care insurance.  If required purchase of health insurance is unconstitutional, then the required purchase of car insurance must be unconstitutional too. I guess the GOP cares more about cars than they do people.

I've taught people in the community how to take care of themselves.  People who are considered high risk and uneducated.  I always say that patient education is the cheapest and most efficient way to deliver healthcare.  It empowers the patient by teaching them how to care for themselves, it increases their energy and self esteem and decreases the amount of times that they land in a hospital bed. 

Republicans, don't want minorities and poorer classes to be empowered because they are afraid that empowerment of these groups will take power and money from them.  Power that they only THINK they have in the first place.  The money part is just unadulterated greed.  That is scary! So!  With that said, (stepping down off of my soap box with a young handsome guy holding my hand, leading me down off my stoop  and staring attentively into my eyes...I'm about to swoon)--I could go on and on and on and on folks...but I'll stop here 'cause I'm still trying to recover from the weekend. Not only that, I don't want to piss Rush Limbaugh off.

I wish my young friend the best, want her to know that I love, care about her and have been honored to participate in the most intimate aspects of her life . When I see her again...we will sit down, have a cup of heavenly chai and we'll talk.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Rush

Okay...I thought that it was sugar alone that made me rush.  I haven't really been eating much sugar and I am still speeding ahead...in my head.  It is an awful feeling when you don't understand it.  When you understand it, it's just plain annoying.  So, I have to slow my thoughts down enough so that I can focus on one thing at a time.  That's hard.  I don't really want to focus on one thing at a time...that is harder.

I know that I need to focus on one thing at a time...or I will get nothing done.  Now there's an incentive.

I'm not sure what causes this speeding.  I know that I feel very uncomfortable and frightened at these times.  I feel like if I don't get everything done yesterday that I will be abducted by little green men and taken to some unfamiliar place...never to be seen again. (Just kidding). Actually, being in this state takes me someplace unfamiliar everytime.

I feel like a tornado and I just can't stop.  It is a subtley angry feeling.  Like a rage inside that is hidden.  I think that when I take my eyes off of myself, it kind of takes on a life of it's own and I have trouble controlling it.  I have physical symptoms, like my heart races and I feel tired and tense.  It's weird.  I'm not sure what triggered this rushing thing.

I think that the rushing must be an effort to get to a place of comfort rather than stay in the moment.  I'm able to stay in the moment as long as I don't have a lot of sugar.  I am able to accept the discomfort.  I just don't like it.  I am able to stop and start where I am at.  It's easier than before... But still  hard.

I feel estranged from myself when I rush.  Like everything is surreal and I'm floating around in a bubble like Glenda the Good Witch.  Except my bubble never lands or pops.  Well it didn't before.  And when it didn't I would panic and go bouncing all over the place.  But, I can just go with it for now.

And see where it takes me...