The Rush

Okay...I thought that it was sugar alone that made me rush.  I haven't really been eating much sugar and I am still speeding ahead...in my head.  It is an awful feeling when you don't understand it.  When you understand it, it's just plain annoying.  So, I have to slow my thoughts down enough so that I can focus on one thing at a time.  That's hard.  I don't really want to focus on one thing at a time...that is harder.

I know that I need to focus on one thing at a time...or I will get nothing done.  Now there's an incentive.

I'm not sure what causes this speeding.  I know that I feel very uncomfortable and frightened at these times.  I feel like if I don't get everything done yesterday that I will be abducted by little green men and taken to some unfamiliar place...never to be seen again. (Just kidding). Actually, being in this state takes me someplace unfamiliar everytime.

I feel like a tornado and I just can't stop.  It is a subtley angry feeling.  Like a rage inside that is hidden.  I think that when I take my eyes off of myself, it kind of takes on a life of it's own and I have trouble controlling it.  I have physical symptoms, like my heart races and I feel tired and tense.  It's weird.  I'm not sure what triggered this rushing thing.

I think that the rushing must be an effort to get to a place of comfort rather than stay in the moment.  I'm able to stay in the moment as long as I don't have a lot of sugar.  I am able to accept the discomfort.  I just don't like it.  I am able to stop and start where I am at.  It's easier than before... But still  hard.

I feel estranged from myself when I rush.  Like everything is surreal and I'm floating around in a bubble like Glenda the Good Witch.  Except my bubble never lands or pops.  Well it didn't before.  And when it didn't I would panic and go bouncing all over the place.  But, I can just go with it for now.

And see where it takes me...