I had to edit that last post because it just stank of Bad Karma. I don't want to use my writing to hurt people. We have gossip columnists for that. Besides, it really felt awful to read the bad and mean things that I had written about people...and on Easter Sunday to boot.
Anyway, I felt like I was rushing. And I had to ask myself why. I think that whenever I get scared, I get angry and whenever I get angry my thought process rushes. It's as though I'm running...in my head. Like I'm trying to escape. And that is fruitless. I mean...your thoughts are inside of you? How can you escape what's inside of you...I don't know but people try to do it all the time.
I guess that is the nature of addictions...to escape yourself. Who does that? Really. I mean really escapes themselves. If you are stuck in an addiction...you are only putting yourself on hold. Trust me...I've been addicted to lots of things. Men, food, computer...books...sleep...work...booze(?). That last one is questionable but maybe I'm in denial. I never really liked drinking. I just did it.
So, when you are addicted to stuff...your full attention is on that person, place or thing. And your true self is just going along for the ride. Because you have made a conscious decision to ignore your pain riddled self. Self-abandonment.
That's what addictions are. An attempt to take care of yourself by abandoning yourself. That's why it's called dysfunction. Doesn't work.
Well, I have started to nurture myself. No wonder I never wanted to have kids but did anyway. (I think I was addicted to raising them. Actually, when you are addicted to other people, that's called obsession). It's much easier for me to take care of someone or something else of someones than it is to take care of myself or my own.
My heart beats rapidly while I'm writing this. I guess the realization scares me still. I have always felt abandoned. Like a little girl standing in the middle of the mall crying out for her mommy who is so taken with the shoes in the shoe store that she forgot that her baby was with her. I got lost at the beach once. Only for a few seconds...I was about five and I can tell you that getting lost in a crowded place at five...being inadvertantly (I hope), separated from your parents is the loneliest feeling in the world.
When you leave yourself behind...that's worse.
The End
Anyway, I felt like I was rushing. And I had to ask myself why. I think that whenever I get scared, I get angry and whenever I get angry my thought process rushes. It's as though I'm running...in my head. Like I'm trying to escape. And that is fruitless. I mean...your thoughts are inside of you? How can you escape what's inside of you...I don't know but people try to do it all the time.
I guess that is the nature of addictions...to escape yourself. Who does that? Really. I mean really escapes themselves. If you are stuck in an addiction...you are only putting yourself on hold. Trust me...I've been addicted to lots of things. Men, food, computer...books...sleep...work...booze(?). That last one is questionable but maybe I'm in denial. I never really liked drinking. I just did it.
So, when you are addicted to stuff...your full attention is on that person, place or thing. And your true self is just going along for the ride. Because you have made a conscious decision to ignore your pain riddled self. Self-abandonment.
That's what addictions are. An attempt to take care of yourself by abandoning yourself. That's why it's called dysfunction. Doesn't work.
Well, I have started to nurture myself. No wonder I never wanted to have kids but did anyway. (I think I was addicted to raising them. Actually, when you are addicted to other people, that's called obsession). It's much easier for me to take care of someone or something else of someones than it is to take care of myself or my own.
My heart beats rapidly while I'm writing this. I guess the realization scares me still. I have always felt abandoned. Like a little girl standing in the middle of the mall crying out for her mommy who is so taken with the shoes in the shoe store that she forgot that her baby was with her. I got lost at the beach once. Only for a few seconds...I was about five and I can tell you that getting lost in a crowded place at five...being inadvertantly (I hope), separated from your parents is the loneliest feeling in the world.
When you leave yourself behind...that's worse.
The End
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