Anger

Been real tense lately.  Hypervigilant.  Not wanting to sleep.  That anger.  It just sneaks up on me from nowhere sometimes and pops out at the weirdest times.  When it gains extreme momentum...I just can't stop it.  I can hold it in...but it's still there.  It makes me lash out at people, places and things that have nothing to do with it.

It makes me want to stay alone and isolate.

My sister was depressed last week and wouldn't talk to me.  So, I got mad.  I got mad...and I don't know what I was mad at. I think I was mad because she was mad.  And so...the story goes on. 

When I was a little girl...about 5 or 6 or 7 or 8, my mother would walk around the house sometimes silent.  She wouldn't say a word...not to me. I would ask her what was wrong because I'd wonder wether I had done something to make her mad at me. She was probably mad at my father but, I didn't know that.  I would feel very guilty.  Like I had done something and she just wouldn't tell me. 

So, when my sister wouldn't talk to me, I felt the same way.  It just ruined my whole week.  Every feeling that I'd ever had when I was a little girl came back.  I was so depressed.  Then, I became hypervigilant. Like every little noise that you hear dilates your pupils and pricks your ears.  I'm still hypervigilant, finding it extremely hard to rest.  It could be from eating too much rice too since I'm borderline diabetic.  But, I'm tired...really tired. 

So, how do I get myself out of this quasi-manic state?  I don't know.  My sister called me today to borrow some money.

I almost felt better because she was talking to me.  She gave me this speech about how she wasn't asking for money because she was watching my syon her nephew for me.  I know that this is true because she watched him for me before, when she was working and she never asked me for a dime.  But, I can't help wonder if she didn't call me just because she needed money.

Hm?

Getting Beyond Now

Some days, I wake up feeling frozen in time.  It's not exhaustion.  It is anxiety and fear.  The drudgery of routine just weighs me down.  I drink coffee sometimes to break the monotony...it doesn't always work.  Some types of coffee make me nervous and jittery and crabby.  If I get a certain type of cappucino, it calms me but, I have to put a lot of cream in it.

Work is overwhelming because of all the extra stuff I have to do.  Going to classes, and things like that.  They think that because they pay you for the extra time that it's alright...they have no consideration for the fact that you have family and a life outside of work.  I'm tired...all of the time.

I babysit two little boys after school, along with my ten year old son.  I feel confined some days.  I have to wait for their mom to come and pick them up and that is tiring.  I can't go anywhere or do anything.  I don't feel like I made a mistake by taking them on, I enjoy watching them play...the little one's antics.  I can't blame them for the way that I feel.

I am just tired. 

How can I make my life better? 

What would make me happy for the long term...living near the beach.   If I had someone to help me raise my son, that would be helpful.

I am still a little dismayed by the lack of support that I have from my family.  But, I'm getting over it.  I need to do what I have to do.  My sister that begged me to stay in Georgia when I had resolved to leave has once again turned her back on me emotionally.  She keeps my son on the weekend but, when I took him over there last weekend she wasn't speaking to me.

I'm not staying here too much longer... At the end of the school year, I'm outta here. Maybe before then.  I am stressed and I just don't think that it's healthy to be under this much stress for this long. I'm too old for this.
Anyway.

My daughter was an extra on The Vampire Diaries last night.  I saw her and was absolutely fascinated.  I don't know why.  I couldn't see her face but, I could see her.  She was fascinated too.
It was fun trying to spot her.  My young son saw her right off the bat. 

I need a cup of coffee.  I feel very weak from trying to kick the habit cold turkey...COLD TURKEY.

I'm  a writer DAMMIT!  Writers are entitled to drink coffee...Aren't they?

Enough rambling...on to my journal.

Family Matters

On the days that I am able to see my relationship with my family for what it is, it doesn't hurt that much anymore.  I don't feel like the wounded little puppy dog, left in the kennel while all the other little puppy dogs are let out to wander and romp freely.  If I'm sequestered from the other dogs, it's because I don't want to be with them.

For the longest, I wanted to change because I was convinced that if I were to become a better person, my family would change.  They have, a little, but I remain the outcast amongst my brothers and sisters.  It used to make me feel sad, lonely and weird.  I don't feel like that anymore.  I can cast aside my expectations of my family and ignore their demands of me.   What a wonderful freeing proposition.

I used to make myself disappear to make them miss me and yearn for my presence.  To punish them and make them beg me to come back.

But, the never did.  I always decided when i would return on my after I would convince myself that they had missed me enough to treat me well.  They never missed me that much and I seem to still be that anomaly that they don't want around. This was:
  Apparent when we had the fourth of july barbecue and I struggled to get to where they were. 
  Apparent when we were headed to boston and eldest sister and wouldn't answer my phone calls.
  Apparent when Debbie threw her party in Martha's Vineyard after telling me that she wasn't having it.

It took me the longest time to get the message.  Like the time mother invited her sister and brother in law and Nana and her sister over for dinner and told me it was at 4pm and was clearing the table when I arrived. I was so upset.

I used to think that actions like this were just incidental...but they kept occurring over and over and over.

When I used to make myself scarce, it was because I didn't feel like my family wanted me around. But my family members always asked why I didn't show up at family events and wanted to know what happened and where I was.  I must've gotten some subtle cues when I was younger that I wasn't really welcome at family gatherings.  I never felt comfortable there.

My older relatives never knew who I was, or remembered my name.  Although, the four older siblings were easily identified.  I found myself introducing myself over and over again to people who had no idea who I was an was forced to hug and kiss on the cheek.  I kinda resented this.  I thought that as I got older that it would change.  It didn't.  Not really.


As i've grown up, I realized that my siblings don't like having me around. Even though I'm less likely to argue and cause a rucus...or debate or whatever.   Iwas considered the trouble maker in the family because I had a tendency to tell the truth the way that I saw it.  My opinions were often different from my family and I was not likely to nod my head in agreement with any old thi they ng. Anyway... I don't necessarily want to be around my family...I love them.  My relationship with my family members is not healthy...never has been.  I couldn't accept this before.

I can accept this now.

I'm Not Done Yet

I was trying to close this blog.  Apparently, Blogger is not ready to open another blog for me so I'm blogging on my first love here today and now.  For now.  I feel really alive when I blog.  Call it weird or whatever...that's the way it is.  I'm a blog addict.

It must be similar to being a histrionic person...someone who loves being in the limelight... I certainly do. I can't say it doesn't matter wether anyone reads this or not.  If I only get one hit...it makes me just feel lovely...luvli!!!  (I luv spelling luvli like that...luvli).  Blogging is like looking at yourself in the mirror and admiring your assets and noticing your flaws.

It's cloudy and rainy outside today.  I still have that rushing feeling that I've had for two months.  It is from eating sugar and drinking caffeine.  The sugar effects me even worse than the caffeine, but I have been eating it anyway.  That is self abuse.  I'm going to stop. 

I don't feel as racy as I did yesterday.  I feel much better.  Yesterday, I was jittery and irritable.  Everything got on my nerves and made me jumpy.  When the boys were arguing and throwing things at each other, i wanted to scream.  Ky was being very rude and that irritated me too.  I guess I'll try to take them to the movies today.  Maybe it will keep the boys from tearing each others head of.

It will also make the time pass quickly.

Since I have been watching them after school, my schedule has been all off.  My sleep schedule has been all discombobulated and upheaved.  I don't know which way is up.  i find myself making promises to myself and not keeping them.  Like making a to do list that I completely ignore, knowing that I have to fix the things on it, make appointments etc. 

So, this is a day in the life.

Yesterday, I got a call from my father.  He is upset and says that he was going out to the house in the country.  I told him that sometimes it's good to be alone when you get "nervous". It helps to be in a quiet environment.  Then calls my eldest sister who states that she is riding out to the country to get Daddy. She made a slew of excuses as to why she should go get him.  He's 85, he's sick, she can get off work early...  She asked me if I wanted to go.  I said no. She asked me why.  I listed all of the reasons as to why I would not ride out with her. It was as though she didn't hear a word I said.

Then she asked me if I could drive him two hours--three from where I live-- to the country on Thursday. When, I told her that I didn't think that I could do that, she got an attitude and said goodbye and hung up. 

I'm not taking my father back to the country on Thursday.  I have a life.  I will no longer allow my family members to disrupt it at their convenience.  They can do whatever they think is best. I am determined to do the same. Guilt free.

I'm tired...of?  I'm tired of being ignored by my family when they are doing well and called upon when they have created a mess or crisis.  I'm not playing rescuer.  For now anyway.

So, my eldest sister can be mad.  I've often sought my family out, just to be with them.  They never visit...barely call. And when I call them, they don't want to answer the phone.  I will love them from afar.  Genuinely.

Am I There Yet?

After writing this blog for the last  3-4 years I feel that I have reached the center of my angst.  I kept having little nervous breakdowns for what seemed to be no good reason.  They have been occurring since I was about 18.  Much of my "nervous" condition attributable to the excessive consumtion of sugar and caffeine since age 16.

I am addicted to both.  I was able to kick the caffeine and sugar for a few months but found that under extremely stressful conditions, I fell off of the wagon.  And now I find myself here...back in angstland trying to dry myself out again.

THIS IS HORRIBLE.

My sugar addiction can be traced back to when I was very young.

I also attribute some of my angstiness to the trauma that I went through when I was little.  I won't go into detail here but, I grew up in somewhat of a war zone.  The war existed inside my house.  So, i suffered from some for of PTSD.

Blame it on sugar, blame it on the war zone in my home...I am just plain nuts!  I developed no coping skills during my young years and so I had no tolerance for anything. 

I've been working diligently and feverishly to enjoy my life.  I don't think many people work at enjoying their life that much.  I think that we just  assume that we are supposed to know how to enjoy it.  We are...but for some of us enjoyment of life gets lost in translation because we are too busy trying to control events, occurances and out comes. 

We don't realize that we have no control over most of the stuff that happens in our lives.  If we think we do, we are fooling ourselves.  Any self help book that tell you to take control of your life is selling
you snake oil.  That doesn't mean we should sit idly by and just let life boll us over...we have the ability to make choices.  What comes from those choices we don't really control...we can only gauge the outcome.  It's kind of like playing pool. 

You can make a good shot if you hit the ball at the right angle...but there is no guarantee that your perception is correct. If it is...the ball goes in the pocket.  If it's not...you lose your turn. In either case...there may be some conditions that are not apparent or conditions may arise that you didn't expect. Or, conditions may change to influence the direction of your target while the ball rolls.

There is an outcome that you can reasonably expect, but there are no guarantees.

I often felt slighted because, I thought that guarantees were a given.

My angst has decreased considerably since I started writing this blog.  I had fallen in love with this and didn't want to let it go.  But, let it go I must.  It's time to move on...and so.

I'm grateful for this blogged.  It has been one of the greatest gifts that I could have given myself. 
The two things that I have learned about myself is:

1)I'm not as crazy as I thought I was. (I say this because we all possess a degree of insanity...I've chosen to embrace mine. Maybe a better word is creativity).
2)It is detrimental to my physical, spiritual and mental health to consume caffeine and sugar.

Well, three things..

3) I love to write!!!

See...ya at 1/365 (that's my next blog).

Another Day

I no longer wish to hide behind my words.  I used to say stuff and then run for cover.  My bark was much worse than my bite.  I didn't allow people to get close enough to me to see who I was.  I was afraid, had not trust for other human beings.  Had more trouble trusting myself than  anyone else.

I'm beginning to trust myself.  It's still hard to find trustworthy people though.  People that you can't trust are easy to find.  I used to be afraid of them though because I was always worried about what they'd do to me.  I don't worry about them. You can guard against people doing things to you, sort of cushion the blows...but you can't stop them from hurting you. Not always anyway.

Like when my boss who pretended to be my friend got mad at me and lied on me and had me fired.  I hated her for the longest.  She ended up getting fired.  But, she cared so little about herself that I doubt it even phased her. 

Nevertheless.  Hiding behind my words.  I don't have to hide behind anything.  I just don't allow people to get close to me.  That is horrible.  I don't like certain people and I feel guilty about that.  The funny thing is that though most of my coworkers talk about my boss, there is something about her that I like.  I'm not sure what it is.  I think that she is very guarded because there are so many snakes wriggling around on the floor.

I can name them but, I wouldn't want them to look at this blog and see their names...then they might sue me for libel or slander even though the things that I'm saying are true.

I am sleepy.  I tried to contact my friend in Virginia but she is addicted to Gardens of Time and anything on television.  She accused me of not appreciating black women in theatre.  My daughter is an actress for heavens sake.  My so called friend is just crazy!  Yeah, I said it...crazy.

I just can't spend 12 hours of my 24 watching television and living vicarilously through a bunch of idiots who could care less about me.  She--my buddy--really needs to find something else to do with her time.  She calls me and tries to enlist me in her fantasies...I get bored too fast and it's hard for me to sit still for that long.

I haven't heard anything about Bam Bam.  He was throwing up every five minutes and was weak and dehydrated.  Then my friend said that he was faking after he got better.  How in the hell does a cat fake being nauseated and vomiting all over the place? He was too fragile at one point and was sleeping all the time.  How could he have been faking?

I don't feel lie arguing with my friend tonight.  So, I'll just let her have her way...

I'm looking forward to tomorrow...it'll be another day.

Free To Be

I'm risking being me.  I don't exactly know what the hell that means either but I'll try it.  Some of the things I write are so transient that when I go back and look at them, I can't believe I wrote it.  It rained today and

Rain, Rain Go Away

I'd give anything not to have the desire to write today...  My mind wants to wander.  I'd rather stroll up the street examing the flowers and beckoning to the sun to come and be my friend to play with me.  I scold myself for lingering too long in bed and writing instead of getting dressed and going out to look for gold earrings that my sister wanted for her birthday. I can find them online, but it's hard to buy something expensive if you don't know what it looks like.

I should have bought a computer with a webcam...that way, I wouldn't have to struggle and surf the net for pictures to post.

I think about work and sometimes I wonder, why I am still there.  I feel tortured.  Like my efforts there are useless, like I cannot make an impact on the community where healthcare is concerned, nor an impression on my peers.  Both, have definately influenced me. I've resolvedn to become stronger spiritually and emotionally and not to let another human being rattle me.

That's a hard call.

I often say that I'm tired when I'm fed up and frustrated.

I'm somewhat tired.  But, not so much with my job as with myself.  You can't expect too much from an employer.  All they think about is money.  Employers.

My boss, I think is not well. Something is definately ailing her but, that is none of my business.  Self serving, uncaring.  I've never met anyone quite like her.  I wonder if it is wise to continue to work under someone who cares so little about her staff?  In a way, I feel as though I am wasting my time there.  But, I cannot gauge what that means, "wasting my time".  What else could I be doing there?

If that's the case, then I'm always wasting my time.

Writing just seems like an important part of my being.  Telling the truth.  As I see it.  It's sort of like my eldest son's gay identity...but, maybe not as deeply ingrained.  It's not something that you can wash off and just keep on moving, like it wasn't there in the first place.

It's raining again today...I can no longer hide behind my words.  I no longer wish to.  That's interesting. 

I've just made a new discovery about myself...Thanks for listening.

Forgive and Forget

My daughter  called me yesterday.  We talked about the fact that I'd become angry at her for commenting about the fact that she and her brother were never close.  I didn't see that.  I didn't see many things when they were growing up. I think as parents, we only see what we want to see.  Like my dismissal of the fact that my son might be gay when he was small.  Numerous signs danced in front of me.  I ignored them.

I don't know why.

I told my daughter that I was sorry.  That I know that I can't rush or change her views about her brother.  I did ask her to try to be supportive. Still strange to me is that we think that we can approve or disapprove who someone is.  And it doesn't just apply to a persons gender...It applies to someone's attitude, their state of mind, their religion, their culture, their skin color....and the list goes on and on.

I don't know why.

Sometimes I struggle to discuss things on the web, for fear that someone will see what I think.  But, what would be the purpose of discussing things on the web if you don't want someone to see?

That just doesn't make sense to me.

I've sat here all morning for about an hour and a half watching Dancing With the Stars. I wanted to see Chaz Bono dance.  I was very touched by seeing his mom, Cher in the audience rooting for him.  He did well today.  I notice, though a look of uncertainty on his face.  It is a look of loss.  It must be an awfully daunting task to begin late in life to live your life as male, when you were born as a female.

I have enough issues. It's a good thing that I wasn't born transgender.  I think that I would have handled being lesbian well.

Anyway... that's all I can think of to write right now. 

Bye...

The Process

when you express anger at someone for being who they are, you are trying to rush their process.  i do it all the time to the people closest to me.  my eldest daughter and i had a discussion about my eldest son's gayness.  i am amazed at how many people think that approving or disapproving someones gender issues will make them change, reconsider and has anything to do with anyone other than the gender challenged person.

our conversation went something like this: well i don't approve of his wearing cross dressing.  i'd have to get used to that.

well whether you approve of it or not, he cross dresses.

well, it kind of creeps me out.

it may creep you out, but the fact is you have a gay brother who cross dresses.  can't you just support him for what he's dealing with? how come you can support your gay guy friends and not your brother?

we were never that close.

a volcanic explesion occurred way deep down in myself and i hung up the phone.  when she tried to call me back i hung the phone up.  on the last call i instructed her not to call me until it was time to come home.  i was done. 

i remember the day when all she and chibuzor had was each other and God.  i remember the days when she would look out for him, like the day we had to call a code adam in walmart when her brother had disappeared from my side (she noticed that he was gone waaaaayyy before i did). i remember the days when she stood up for her brother, not allowing anyone to talk about him or pick on him. 

i remember those days.

her brother always finds away to get to her events to support her...come hell or high water.

i didn't think i was asking for much for her to be supportive.  but support for her gay brother may be more than she can muster.  i'm still a little shaken by her remark.  she has a tendency to detach from any situation that she thinks will compromise her welfare in any way.  this is one of those situations where she feels that it is necessary to run the other way.  emotionally, physically and spiritually.

good luck to her.

i realize that we all come to terms to terms with our own issue in our own time and at our own pace. 
we can't rush our own process.  it is impossible to try to speed up someone elses.

Day 1

Okay, I'm going to try this one day at a time, for 365 days thing again.  This, as far as I'm concerned is Day #1 for the sake of counting, because I keep losing track for heavens sakes.   Day...1.  I am sitting on my bed after taking a bath and rubbing Burt's Bees on my feet and arms.  I started to rub it all over my body but I didn't want to use the whole tube so I just did my feet and arms.  I gave myself a foot massage.

One of the difficult things about massaging my feet is getting my feet up on my lap these days.  It's a much simpler task after taking a bath...but Laaaawwwd, when I haven't prepped myself, I feel like a contortionist. By the way, my knees have been hurting lately. 

I'm tired but trying to get myself centered enough to feel peaceful.  Yesterday anxiety tried to take over my body but I calmed myself and it went away. I kind of got angry at the anxiety for presenting itself. It just kinda sneaks up on you and jumps out of a dark corner somewhere and tries to scare you.  I just looked at it and said, "you again".  It just disappeared like a puff a smoke in a tornado.  But, I still didn't feel happy.  In the absence of anxiety, I always thought that happiness was sure to follow. Mistake..

Deepak Chopra says that we should just relax and then in his book, he has some lists scattered throughout the book about how to gauge whether you are centered or just crazy as hell.  I think I lean towards that crazy as hell category more often than not.  I think all of the time.  Who wants to be innundated with random or rational thoughts ALL OF THE TIME.  I don't, but, I am.

Day 1 Y'all!!!

Nighty Night!

I just got off work and I've been sitting in my room playing computer games...like I should be playing computer games. What I should be doing is sleeping.  One of my coworkers is getting on my nerves, trying to play head games with me. She keeps telling me on Facebook that my boss is calling her after she called off from work.  When  I ask her "why". she either logs off or changes the subject. I'm blocking her from my Facebook account. 

I am tired after working nights.  It's torture trying to work nights and not wanting to.  I am having difficulty staying focused because I so, want to do something else.  I keep trying to like what I do at work. In many ways, I love what I do, but aftet 30 years, I am burned out doing it.  It is very hard giving half assed care to your patients because the hospital administration keeps printing forms for you to fill out to make sure that you are checking the date on someones IV line.

Or...making sure that someone labeled the patient's IV bag that already has what's in it on the bag.  I used to love nursing.  If people fall out of love with each other, I see why now.  It's because they are spoon fed each other day in and day out whether they like it or not.  I still love nursing...just not the way nursing is today. 

I wish I could just walk of my job and into a nice big advance for a first novel.  I have to write the novel and then I'd have to present it to someone...Then, there is no guarantee that anyone would buy the damned thing.

One of my coworkers is getting married. She has all of the things she wants on a registry.  I was noticing how modest she is.  She's really sweet anyway.  Nothing that she requested is over 100.00 dollars.  Everything is under 100 dollars.  I was talking about how I would have gone over the top if it was my wedding registry...maybe that 's why I don't have one.  I would have asked for a painting by Leonardo da Vinci on it's orignal canvas with his signature in a picture frame carved by Peruvian monkeys out of elephant tusks charmed out of African elephants that were friends with tribal farmers in the congo rainforests.  How come elephants don't live in South America or the United States or Canada naturally...that brings me to another question. Why don't I just go to sleep.
I think I'm starting to hallucinate.  G'night.

Obla Dee, Obla Da

Life goes on.  My weekend at work wasn't too bad...but I won't discuss that here.  Perhaps, when I REALLY start a nursing blog...I'll discuss it there.  I was supposed to go to a wedding this weekend but changed my mind when my elder son asked me to take him to shop for some materials that he wanted to use to fashion a Nicki Minaj costume.  I would love to see him in drag on Thursday.  I will do everything that I can to go to his show.

I'm tired, have a headache.  Had a sleep deprivation hangover yesterday...I don't remember much of yesterday...it's all a blur.  My head hurts though.  The last thing I remember is pushing back tears Monday morning when I was giving report because one of my patients had a headache so severe that she was screaming out in pain. 

I could complain.  But, what good would it do?  What is it that I would complain about.  Except the fact that I am still exhausted.  My daughter went to California this morning. I woke up at 6 am to take her to the airport.  She was reluctant to go and I gave her a lecture about how important it is to just stop.  It is.  I have a hard time stopping sometimes, but I know how important it is when you are trying to take care of yourself. 

So, I got out of the car when we stopped at the baggage check and gave her big hug.  She will have fun...I hope.  I will have peace and quiet for two weeks.  She won't walk around the house here rolling her eyes and complaining.  I won't have to wonder whether she is going to come home or not tonight because she is away.  It takes the guess work out of things.

I had a dream about this guy that I had an affair with a few years ago.  I don't know why he came up in my dreamscape.  An old lover that I struggled not to fall in love with because he advised me not to.  He was surprised after two years when I didn't.  He was right to advise me not to. I'm glad that I didn't. I kept trying to convince him to go to Boston with me. In, the dream.

He was in danger.  Somebody was trying to kill him.  He had BB gun holes in his door.  And I told him how to patch it up.  It just dawned on me now that I was trying to take a trip to Boston, in that dream.  I bought stuff.  Kids were with us...but, I'm not sure whose. We drove up a very straight road at dawn or dusk, the grass on the sides dead.  Uncertain and uncomfortable...we started moving forward.

Not sure we had the supplies we needed to make the trip...not really certain of the route to go.

(This dream was about my future).

I couldn't really find the guy or communicate with him although he was there...and he finally told me that he couldn't go.  Not, necessarily in words, but deeds.  I accepted the fact that he couldn't go.  It took me a while though.   Can't remember a lot of specific details in the dream.

I want to go back home.  I want to go back to the home I left.  But, I can't.  I will never go back there again because it is gone.  Mother is gone. Nana is gone.  Lois is gone.  My youth is gone.  My mindset, the mindset I had back then is gone.  Why do I long for those days?  I invented a new definition for misery back then.

The depths of my soul grieve those "back then" times.  The depths grieve them because I want to heal all of the hurt that I was going through back then.  But, you can't go back in time.  And if you could...how in the hell would things be any different? I wish I could be in love now, like I was then and appreciate the experienc...nurture it.  But, my views of love back then were not healthy.  I ran from true love at every turn.  And I always ended up in the arms of the devil...or one of his cohorts.

I did not live my life back then because, I didn't know that I had a right to do that.  I only practiced living my life.  I've just begun to actually get pretty good at it.

I long for home and all the things that I thought that home should come with back then, but never did.  That longing is inevitable.  I don't know if it will ever go away. It is embedded in my soul. I understand why ghosts linger sometimes.

La la la la...Life goes on. 

The First Day

I'm going to do an experiment starting today and try to squeeze all of the joy out of life that I can.  Or, infuse all of the joy that I can into my life...Today, I start my life living one day at a time for  365 days.  I've tried this experiment before.  But, I didn't do it for a prolonged period of time.   I can't say that I'll write everyday, but I will note everyday.  Be aware of everyday.  Hopefully, appreciate everyday.

My young son was late for school this morning.  I set his bedtime to ten o'clock.  He goes to bed on time but I think he needs to go to bed earlier since he's in the 5th grade.  I want to just go back to sleep.  I'm not tired but, it feels good to sleep.  That just seems like the best activity in the world right now...sleeping.  Maybe that's why my young son was late for school.

His father is leaving for Virginia today.  He and his wife/ girlfriend.  I wish them well.  I'm tired of struggling here.  I want to move to Massachusetts.  But, what will I do there?  Will my life will be all warm and fuzzy and cozy there? Will I gain riches?  Will I make friends?

I am still reading Deepak Chopra's book.  It is actually very good.  It might have been a good idea for me to finish reading it before I said anything about it. It talks about accessing the soul.  I have been ignoring mine for no good reason that I can think of.  What is wrong with me? I don't want to leave Georgia for no good reason that I can think of except, if I leave, I will be bouncing all over the place.  I want to travel and visit home more. 

I don't like to dress up.  But, I might feel better if I dress up.  I dressed up the other night to go to a friends wedding shower.  She is getting married on this Sunday. I was going to go to the wedding but, since my young son's dad is leaving, I won't have anyone to watch him.  And I don't have anything to wear.  I could have bought something to wear.

This is what I tend to do. Now I see why things cause me so much anxiety.  I will wait until the last minute and then go look for something to wear.  Then, I'll be all tense and sweaty when I get dressed.. and nervous.  And then I will not want to go because I don't think I look right, but I will go anyway.  I told W...... that I would go to her wedding.  But, with my circumstances changed, it is going to be too stressful to go.  I have a headache thinking about it.

Chopra says to get out of stressful situations.  That's what people are doing when they commit suicide.  What lengths do you go through to get out of stressful situations?  I would quit my job and go back home.  That would be letting go of the stress, but then I am absolutely certain that I'd find more stress somewhere.  I can create stress...easily.  Stress is a habit for me.  It makes me feel more alive, fulfilled and important.  I know that that is crazy as hell.  I think that I am addicted to stress.

So, how do you cure a stress addiction?