Life goes on. My weekend at work wasn't too bad...but I won't discuss that here. Perhaps, when I REALLY start a nursing blog...I'll discuss it there. I was supposed to go to a wedding this weekend but changed my mind when my elder son asked me to take him to shop for some materials that he wanted to use to fashion a Nicki Minaj costume. I would love to see him in drag on Thursday. I will do everything that I can to go to his show.
I'm tired, have a headache. Had a sleep deprivation hangover yesterday...I don't remember much of yesterday...it's all a blur. My head hurts though. The last thing I remember is pushing back tears Monday morning when I was giving report because one of my patients had a headache so severe that she was screaming out in pain.
I could complain. But, what good would it do? What is it that I would complain about. Except the fact that I am still exhausted. My daughter went to California this morning. I woke up at 6 am to take her to the airport. She was reluctant to go and I gave her a lecture about how important it is to just stop. It is. I have a hard time stopping sometimes, but I know how important it is when you are trying to take care of yourself.
So, I got out of the car when we stopped at the baggage check and gave her big hug. She will have fun...I hope. I will have peace and quiet for two weeks. She won't walk around the house here rolling her eyes and complaining. I won't have to wonder whether she is going to come home or not tonight because she is away. It takes the guess work out of things.
I had a dream about this guy that I had an affair with a few years ago. I don't know why he came up in my dreamscape. An old lover that I struggled not to fall in love with because he advised me not to. He was surprised after two years when I didn't. He was right to advise me not to. I'm glad that I didn't. I kept trying to convince him to go to Boston with me. In, the dream.
He was in danger. Somebody was trying to kill him. He had BB gun holes in his door. And I told him how to patch it up. It just dawned on me now that I was trying to take a trip to Boston, in that dream. I bought stuff. Kids were with us...but, I'm not sure whose. We drove up a very straight road at dawn or dusk, the grass on the sides dead. Uncertain and uncomfortable...we started moving forward.
Not sure we had the supplies we needed to make the trip...not really certain of the route to go.
(This dream was about my future).
I couldn't really find the guy or communicate with him although he was there...and he finally told me that he couldn't go. Not, necessarily in words, but deeds. I accepted the fact that he couldn't go. It took me a while though. Can't remember a lot of specific details in the dream.
I want to go back home. I want to go back to the home I left. But, I can't. I will never go back there again because it is gone. Mother is gone. Nana is gone. Lois is gone. My youth is gone. My mindset, the mindset I had back then is gone. Why do I long for those days? I invented a new definition for misery back then.
The depths of my soul grieve those "back then" times. The depths grieve them because I want to heal all of the hurt that I was going through back then. But, you can't go back in time. And if you could...how in the hell would things be any different? I wish I could be in love now, like I was then and appreciate the experienc...nurture it. But, my views of love back then were not healthy. I ran from true love at every turn. And I always ended up in the arms of the devil...or one of his cohorts.
I did not live my life back then because, I didn't know that I had a right to do that. I only practiced living my life. I've just begun to actually get pretty good at it.
I long for home and all the things that I thought that home should come with back then, but never did. That longing is inevitable. I don't know if it will ever go away. It is embedded in my soul. I understand why ghosts linger sometimes.
La la la la...Life goes on.
I'm tired, have a headache. Had a sleep deprivation hangover yesterday...I don't remember much of yesterday...it's all a blur. My head hurts though. The last thing I remember is pushing back tears Monday morning when I was giving report because one of my patients had a headache so severe that she was screaming out in pain.
I could complain. But, what good would it do? What is it that I would complain about. Except the fact that I am still exhausted. My daughter went to California this morning. I woke up at 6 am to take her to the airport. She was reluctant to go and I gave her a lecture about how important it is to just stop. It is. I have a hard time stopping sometimes, but I know how important it is when you are trying to take care of yourself.
So, I got out of the car when we stopped at the baggage check and gave her big hug. She will have fun...I hope. I will have peace and quiet for two weeks. She won't walk around the house here rolling her eyes and complaining. I won't have to wonder whether she is going to come home or not tonight because she is away. It takes the guess work out of things.
I had a dream about this guy that I had an affair with a few years ago. I don't know why he came up in my dreamscape. An old lover that I struggled not to fall in love with because he advised me not to. He was surprised after two years when I didn't. He was right to advise me not to. I'm glad that I didn't. I kept trying to convince him to go to Boston with me. In, the dream.
He was in danger. Somebody was trying to kill him. He had BB gun holes in his door. And I told him how to patch it up. It just dawned on me now that I was trying to take a trip to Boston, in that dream. I bought stuff. Kids were with us...but, I'm not sure whose. We drove up a very straight road at dawn or dusk, the grass on the sides dead. Uncertain and uncomfortable...we started moving forward.
Not sure we had the supplies we needed to make the trip...not really certain of the route to go.
(This dream was about my future).
I couldn't really find the guy or communicate with him although he was there...and he finally told me that he couldn't go. Not, necessarily in words, but deeds. I accepted the fact that he couldn't go. It took me a while though. Can't remember a lot of specific details in the dream.
I want to go back home. I want to go back to the home I left. But, I can't. I will never go back there again because it is gone. Mother is gone. Nana is gone. Lois is gone. My youth is gone. My mindset, the mindset I had back then is gone. Why do I long for those days? I invented a new definition for misery back then.
The depths of my soul grieve those "back then" times. The depths grieve them because I want to heal all of the hurt that I was going through back then. But, you can't go back in time. And if you could...how in the hell would things be any different? I wish I could be in love now, like I was then and appreciate the experienc...nurture it. But, my views of love back then were not healthy. I ran from true love at every turn. And I always ended up in the arms of the devil...or one of his cohorts.
I did not live my life back then because, I didn't know that I had a right to do that. I only practiced living my life. I've just begun to actually get pretty good at it.
I long for home and all the things that I thought that home should come with back then, but never did. That longing is inevitable. I don't know if it will ever go away. It is embedded in my soul. I understand why ghosts linger sometimes.
La la la la...Life goes on.
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