Been real tense lately. Hypervigilant. Not wanting to sleep. That anger. It just sneaks up on me from nowhere sometimes and pops out at the weirdest times. When it gains extreme momentum...I just can't stop it. I can hold it in...but it's still there. It makes me lash out at people, places and things that have nothing to do with it.
It makes me want to stay alone and isolate.
My sister was depressed last week and wouldn't talk to me. So, I got mad. I got mad...and I don't know what I was mad at. I think I was mad because she was mad. And so...the story goes on.
When I was a little girl...about 5 or 6 or 7 or 8, my mother would walk around the house sometimes silent. She wouldn't say a word...not to me. I would ask her what was wrong because I'd wonder wether I had done something to make her mad at me. She was probably mad at my father but, I didn't know that. I would feel very guilty. Like I had done something and she just wouldn't tell me.
So, when my sister wouldn't talk to me, I felt the same way. It just ruined my whole week. Every feeling that I'd ever had when I was a little girl came back. I was so depressed. Then, I became hypervigilant. Like every little noise that you hear dilates your pupils and pricks your ears. I'm still hypervigilant, finding it extremely hard to rest. It could be from eating too much rice too since I'm borderline diabetic. But, I'm tired...really tired.
So, how do I get myself out of this quasi-manic state? I don't know. My sister called me today to borrow some money.
I almost felt better because she was talking to me. She gave me this speech about how she wasn't asking for money because she was watching my syon her nephew for me. I know that this is true because she watched him for me before, when she was working and she never asked me for a dime. But, I can't help wonder if she didn't call me just because she needed money.
Hm?
It makes me want to stay alone and isolate.
My sister was depressed last week and wouldn't talk to me. So, I got mad. I got mad...and I don't know what I was mad at. I think I was mad because she was mad. And so...the story goes on.
When I was a little girl...about 5 or 6 or 7 or 8, my mother would walk around the house sometimes silent. She wouldn't say a word...not to me. I would ask her what was wrong because I'd wonder wether I had done something to make her mad at me. She was probably mad at my father but, I didn't know that. I would feel very guilty. Like I had done something and she just wouldn't tell me.
So, when my sister wouldn't talk to me, I felt the same way. It just ruined my whole week. Every feeling that I'd ever had when I was a little girl came back. I was so depressed. Then, I became hypervigilant. Like every little noise that you hear dilates your pupils and pricks your ears. I'm still hypervigilant, finding it extremely hard to rest. It could be from eating too much rice too since I'm borderline diabetic. But, I'm tired...really tired.
So, how do I get myself out of this quasi-manic state? I don't know. My sister called me today to borrow some money.
I almost felt better because she was talking to me. She gave me this speech about how she wasn't asking for money because she was watching my syon her nephew for me. I know that this is true because she watched him for me before, when she was working and she never asked me for a dime. But, I can't help wonder if she didn't call me just because she needed money.
Hm?
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