On the days that I am able to see my relationship with my family for what it is, it doesn't hurt that much anymore. I don't feel like the wounded little puppy dog, left in the kennel while all the other little puppy dogs are let out to wander and romp freely. If I'm sequestered from the other dogs, it's because I don't want to be with them.
For the longest, I wanted to change because I was convinced that if I were to become a better person, my family would change. They have, a little, but I remain the outcast amongst my brothers and sisters. It used to make me feel sad, lonely and weird. I don't feel like that anymore. I can cast aside my expectations of my family and ignore their demands of me. What a wonderful freeing proposition.
I used to make myself disappear to make them miss me and yearn for my presence. To punish them and make them beg me to come back.
But, the never did. I always decided when i would return on my after I would convince myself that they had missed me enough to treat me well. They never missed me that much and I seem to still be that anomaly that they don't want around. This was:
Apparent when we had the fourth of july barbecue and I struggled to get to where they were.
Apparent when we were headed to boston and eldest sister and wouldn't answer my phone calls.
Apparent when Debbie threw her party in Martha's Vineyard after telling me that she wasn't having it.
It took me the longest time to get the message. Like the time mother invited her sister and brother in law and Nana and her sister over for dinner and told me it was at 4pm and was clearing the table when I arrived. I was so upset.
I used to think that actions like this were just incidental...but they kept occurring over and over and over.
When I used to make myself scarce, it was because I didn't feel like my family wanted me around. But my family members always asked why I didn't show up at family events and wanted to know what happened and where I was. I must've gotten some subtle cues when I was younger that I wasn't really welcome at family gatherings. I never felt comfortable there.
My older relatives never knew who I was, or remembered my name. Although, the four older siblings were easily identified. I found myself introducing myself over and over again to people who had no idea who I was an was forced to hug and kiss on the cheek. I kinda resented this. I thought that as I got older that it would change. It didn't. Not really.
As i've grown up, I realized that my siblings don't like having me around. Even though I'm less likely to argue and cause a rucus...or debate or whatever. Iwas considered the trouble maker in the family because I had a tendency to tell the truth the way that I saw it. My opinions were often different from my family and I was not likely to nod my head in agreement with any old thi they ng. Anyway... I don't necessarily want to be around my family...I love them. My relationship with my family members is not healthy...never has been. I couldn't accept this before.
I can accept this now.
For the longest, I wanted to change because I was convinced that if I were to become a better person, my family would change. They have, a little, but I remain the outcast amongst my brothers and sisters. It used to make me feel sad, lonely and weird. I don't feel like that anymore. I can cast aside my expectations of my family and ignore their demands of me. What a wonderful freeing proposition.
I used to make myself disappear to make them miss me and yearn for my presence. To punish them and make them beg me to come back.
But, the never did. I always decided when i would return on my after I would convince myself that they had missed me enough to treat me well. They never missed me that much and I seem to still be that anomaly that they don't want around. This was:
Apparent when we had the fourth of july barbecue and I struggled to get to where they were.
Apparent when we were headed to boston and eldest sister and wouldn't answer my phone calls.
Apparent when Debbie threw her party in Martha's Vineyard after telling me that she wasn't having it.
It took me the longest time to get the message. Like the time mother invited her sister and brother in law and Nana and her sister over for dinner and told me it was at 4pm and was clearing the table when I arrived. I was so upset.
I used to think that actions like this were just incidental...but they kept occurring over and over and over.
When I used to make myself scarce, it was because I didn't feel like my family wanted me around. But my family members always asked why I didn't show up at family events and wanted to know what happened and where I was. I must've gotten some subtle cues when I was younger that I wasn't really welcome at family gatherings. I never felt comfortable there.
My older relatives never knew who I was, or remembered my name. Although, the four older siblings were easily identified. I found myself introducing myself over and over again to people who had no idea who I was an was forced to hug and kiss on the cheek. I kinda resented this. I thought that as I got older that it would change. It didn't. Not really.
As i've grown up, I realized that my siblings don't like having me around. Even though I'm less likely to argue and cause a rucus...or debate or whatever. Iwas considered the trouble maker in the family because I had a tendency to tell the truth the way that I saw it. My opinions were often different from my family and I was not likely to nod my head in agreement with any old thi they ng. Anyway... I don't necessarily want to be around my family...I love them. My relationship with my family members is not healthy...never has been. I couldn't accept this before.
I can accept this now.
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