Shift

I tried not to move.  I tried to stay still, but the thing is...I'm uncomfortable.  With myself.  What most people do when they are uncomfortable with themselves is try to change their external environment. This works temporarily.  But, for permanent relief, it is the inner environment that needs changing.

So.

Last night I was uncomfortable with how I was feeling.  I don't know what emotions presented themselves, but I was tired and didn't want to be at work.  Eventually, I ended up doing something wrong and that didn't help me feel any better.  Usually when I do something wrong it makes me feel worse.  I beat myself up, call myself names and complain the whole damned night.  I didn't do that last night.

What I did was just didn't try to talk myself into saying that things are what they are not.  I just accepted the fact that I  crappy.  That I screwed up at work and left it at that.  I don't feel good about what I did but I decided not to dwell on it and to do things differently next time.

I keep mulling over my decision to move.  I'm still not sure that that is the best thing for me to do.  For one thing, I'm nowhere near ready to move. For another thing, I haven't reached my goal yet.
I feel that if you say something, you should mean it and stick to the program.  I have to stick to the program. 

I want to write.  I want to write and publish a novel.  I won't move until I do that.  Not only that...interesting working with Doc C. I like working with his patients and I'm trying to understand what it is he does. It's hard sometimes to understand what he's doing. But, I'm getting better at it.  I've never been one to just follow instructions without asking questions.
I'm learning to do things a little differently than I used to.
It's difficult.  But, I think I have time to learn.
Sometimes time is all you need...and maybe a little patience to go along with it.