I'm very tired. I have been pushing myself. To do what? I don't know. But, I've been pushing myself. I don't have to work this weekend which is really nice. I'm tired of working. But, I found myself feeling anxious when I woke up today. That anxious feeling that I get when I have had too much sugar the day before.
Not only that...
I feel like work is my life. What can I do if I a don't work? Throw a rock in the pond...hear the plop and watch the ripple.
I have worked my behind off trying to learn to live without being addicted to taking care of people. Care addict. All addicts get a piece of their identity and personality from the thing that they are addicted to. Why does my identity have to be attached to nailing myself to the cross everyday on someone else's behalf?
I know that it's nice to do things for people but, when it starts to suck the life out of you, it might be good to walk in another direction.
On those days, that I feel like my "self" is running to catch up with me, that is exactly what is happening. I have left myself behind and I'm trying to get my attention. Okay, so I have my attention. Now, what do I do?
I noticed one day while sitting in a room with a bunch of bipolars who were in an acute manic phase, how they all try to solve everyone else's problem but their own. (They got on my nerves so bad that day). Chronic caretakers are like that. So, are they necessarily bipolar? I don't know. I guess it depends on how far outside of themselves that they live. I live outside of myself but, I try to stay as close to home as I can these days. It's horrible tryna find your way back home when you wander too far away.
There was a time when I just couldn't stay indoors.
I don't know why I'm writing this. You put all your business online, somebody reads it and judges you and decides you are psychotic and useless to society. Unless, you're Charlie Sheen, or Ted Turner or some other rich white guy with a drug habit and billions... Or Li'l Wayne, or Kanye West or...
I just like to write. I write "I" too much though. When I go back and reread )or is it re-read? ), I try to remove some of the "i's".
It took me a long time to even realize that I was tired. I just wasn't paying attention.
Not only that...
I feel like work is my life. What can I do if I a don't work? Throw a rock in the pond...hear the plop and watch the ripple.
I have worked my behind off trying to learn to live without being addicted to taking care of people. Care addict. All addicts get a piece of their identity and personality from the thing that they are addicted to. Why does my identity have to be attached to nailing myself to the cross everyday on someone else's behalf?
I know that it's nice to do things for people but, when it starts to suck the life out of you, it might be good to walk in another direction.
On those days, that I feel like my "self" is running to catch up with me, that is exactly what is happening. I have left myself behind and I'm trying to get my attention. Okay, so I have my attention. Now, what do I do?
I noticed one day while sitting in a room with a bunch of bipolars who were in an acute manic phase, how they all try to solve everyone else's problem but their own. (They got on my nerves so bad that day). Chronic caretakers are like that. So, are they necessarily bipolar? I don't know. I guess it depends on how far outside of themselves that they live. I live outside of myself but, I try to stay as close to home as I can these days. It's horrible tryna find your way back home when you wander too far away.
There was a time when I just couldn't stay indoors.
I don't know why I'm writing this. You put all your business online, somebody reads it and judges you and decides you are psychotic and useless to society. Unless, you're Charlie Sheen, or Ted Turner or some other rich white guy with a drug habit and billions... Or Li'l Wayne, or Kanye West or...
I just like to write. I write "I" too much though. When I go back and reread )or is it re-read? ), I try to remove some of the "i's".
It took me a long time to even realize that I was tired. I just wasn't paying attention.
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