Me and D.. didn't have a good conversation on Monday. I got frustrated with her asking me questions that I didn't really know the answer to (and didn't really want to answer). She got frustrated with my not answering them. I'm not frustrated anymore, just scared. How come I can't control my life?
No one can. The difference between me and them is that I know that I can't control my life. "They" still think they can. What silly little puppets we human beings are with our invisible quantum powered strings hanging from vital parts of our bodies.
That was an angry statement. I make angry statements when I realize that I AM actually a silly little puppet powered by invisible quantum strings. But, maybe it's a good thing. We've done enough damage attached to those strings. Can't imagine what would happen if we really got loose.
I had a dream this morning. I find myself exhausted many days. I was tired this morning but, was more than willing to push myself to my limit again. I had planned to go to a 12 step meeting and then go to the library. I was headed to my son's school to drop off lunch money and then go to the library and write. I fell asleep instead after I lied to myself saying that I would just close my eyes for a couple of minutes. I made the mistake of covering myself up with a comforter after realizinI g that I was cold.
I dreamed that I was going to work and that I arrived early. The hospital was an old hospital with really sick patients in it. I was walking through the hospital trying to help people, my coworkers at random. I couldn't find my phone or my stethescope or anything that I needed to do my job. I decided to go outside and move my car. I guess I had been rushing to get there and parked my car wherever. I was driving my care up a street because I had to go around the corner to get into the parking garage. It was raining and as I got up the street, it started to flood. I started to drive through the water but when I got to a certain point, the water was up to my mirror and I couldn't safely go any further. So, I turned up the side street. I kept panicking about going to work and I still couldn't find my cell phone. I made a U turn on that side street and was going to go back up the street to the hospital, but my car became disabled. I found myself at Nana's house. It was a big beautiful house. Some girls from the hospital who had just gotten off work had picked me up and taken me there. The one driving was in school and she sat at a table in the house with the other girls. I think she was studying. I looked for a phone to call work. It was hard to find one that I could communicate with. All of the phones were either unplugged from the wall or off the cradle or...just not working. I mistook someone else's cell phone for mine and when I asked someone if I could use their cell phone...they made some excuse. The supervisor that was on that night finally called me. The conversation was interrupted because I went to go hang up another phone so that I could hear her better. I never finished my conversation with her. I didn't want to go back to work but was willing to. I had left my car in the middle of the street somewhere and wasn't sure how I was going to get there. Eventually, I woke up...
I am not quite sure what this dream means. I know that it has to do with the lack of communication and obstacles that I face at work. The girls who brought me home are like some of the coworkers who rally around me, but whom I don't necessarily know. I felt nervous and anxious throughout the dream. I was fearful that I would be fired for becoming a no show. Frankly, I think to myself how much I don't want to go back to work. And how I should just not go.
But, I'd be pounding the nails into my own coffin if I did that. I have to go back to work because I need the revenue. I like the job. But, I need to separate my identity from nursing. I work as a nurse. I am not a nurse though. What's the difference? I remember when everything that I was and did was nursing. I had no self-esteem save the kudos and compliments that I got from my patients and coworkers and sometimes the doctors. All I did was talk about myself-- as a nurse. I felt powerful and in control when I was at work. What a sick fantasy.
I still love nursing. I don't love what it has become. It is difficult to work, knowing what your limitations as a human being are and seeing young nurses who have yet to realize theirs. It is stressful working for an industry who sees dollar signs embedded in the faces of every person who crosses the threshold.
Anyway.
No one can. The difference between me and them is that I know that I can't control my life. "They" still think they can. What silly little puppets we human beings are with our invisible quantum powered strings hanging from vital parts of our bodies.
That was an angry statement. I make angry statements when I realize that I AM actually a silly little puppet powered by invisible quantum strings. But, maybe it's a good thing. We've done enough damage attached to those strings. Can't imagine what would happen if we really got loose.
I had a dream this morning. I find myself exhausted many days. I was tired this morning but, was more than willing to push myself to my limit again. I had planned to go to a 12 step meeting and then go to the library. I was headed to my son's school to drop off lunch money and then go to the library and write. I fell asleep instead after I lied to myself saying that I would just close my eyes for a couple of minutes. I made the mistake of covering myself up with a comforter after realizinI g that I was cold.
I dreamed that I was going to work and that I arrived early. The hospital was an old hospital with really sick patients in it. I was walking through the hospital trying to help people, my coworkers at random. I couldn't find my phone or my stethescope or anything that I needed to do my job. I decided to go outside and move my car. I guess I had been rushing to get there and parked my car wherever. I was driving my care up a street because I had to go around the corner to get into the parking garage. It was raining and as I got up the street, it started to flood. I started to drive through the water but when I got to a certain point, the water was up to my mirror and I couldn't safely go any further. So, I turned up the side street. I kept panicking about going to work and I still couldn't find my cell phone. I made a U turn on that side street and was going to go back up the street to the hospital, but my car became disabled. I found myself at Nana's house. It was a big beautiful house. Some girls from the hospital who had just gotten off work had picked me up and taken me there. The one driving was in school and she sat at a table in the house with the other girls. I think she was studying. I looked for a phone to call work. It was hard to find one that I could communicate with. All of the phones were either unplugged from the wall or off the cradle or...just not working. I mistook someone else's cell phone for mine and when I asked someone if I could use their cell phone...they made some excuse. The supervisor that was on that night finally called me. The conversation was interrupted because I went to go hang up another phone so that I could hear her better. I never finished my conversation with her. I didn't want to go back to work but was willing to. I had left my car in the middle of the street somewhere and wasn't sure how I was going to get there. Eventually, I woke up...
I am not quite sure what this dream means. I know that it has to do with the lack of communication and obstacles that I face at work. The girls who brought me home are like some of the coworkers who rally around me, but whom I don't necessarily know. I felt nervous and anxious throughout the dream. I was fearful that I would be fired for becoming a no show. Frankly, I think to myself how much I don't want to go back to work. And how I should just not go.
But, I'd be pounding the nails into my own coffin if I did that. I have to go back to work because I need the revenue. I like the job. But, I need to separate my identity from nursing. I work as a nurse. I am not a nurse though. What's the difference? I remember when everything that I was and did was nursing. I had no self-esteem save the kudos and compliments that I got from my patients and coworkers and sometimes the doctors. All I did was talk about myself-- as a nurse. I felt powerful and in control when I was at work. What a sick fantasy.
I still love nursing. I don't love what it has become. It is difficult to work, knowing what your limitations as a human being are and seeing young nurses who have yet to realize theirs. It is stressful working for an industry who sees dollar signs embedded in the faces of every person who crosses the threshold.
Anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment