I don't really know what this blog is about much anymore. I just write and whatever comes up, comes out. Not always. Sometimes I erase stuff that I think is too personal or might be construed the wrong way. But, that's only on the days that I care what someone else thinks. I'm enjoying writing these days...When I write. It's been difficult to journal. I don't know what that is all about.
I can only guess why it's so hard to put my words down on paper. One thing I know that affects my ability to write in an adverse manner is consuming too much sugar and caffeine. I'm addicted...AGAIN! Working nights has done this to me. Or, I've done this to me working nights. I don't like working nights because it makes me exhausted. It has totally confused my body clock. I can't think clearly when I take in too much caffeine and sugar. Caffeine makes me insomoniatic (I love making up words). Sugar clouds my judgement and ability to think clearly.
So, why do I consume them.
I tend to drink a caffeine on the weekends when I work to stay awake on the days, that I sleep well. One of my coworkers talks about the things she does during the day. I sort of envied that, and I tried to do things on the days that I work. My coworker has more time to sleep though. She lives closer to the hospital than I do. She lives ten minutes away and I live an hour away...so, she doesn't have to go right to bed after work. I need to.
I feel really isolated sometimes. I was thinking about this yesterday when I took my eldest son shopping. I don't like that isolated feeling. But, I don't think it's time for me to get super social.
It's been difficult. I need to think about who I want to socialize with and whether I like the people or not and blah blah blah.
People are funny here in Atlanta...Nosy and wary. I'll explain that in another blog sometime.
I've been here for what seems an eternity. Sometimes, I wonder if I didn't relegate myself to my own personal hell by staying her for the past seventeen years. I can't believe it's been that long either.
When I came down here, I was running from the chaos in my family. I also wanted to protect my children from being treated like my mother and her children had been treated by the family. I was also running from a crazed husband who just wanted to use and abuse me and totally ignored the children. (By the way, my ex is still crazy as hell...my first ex).
Anyway, I am making a pledge to own my own words. After all, they are my own words. I think about what a dysfunctional society we live in when you have to be guarded about what you say. Or, people say you have to be guarded about what you say. Lest you offend the powers that be. But, who are they but human beings who find it fitting to say whatever they want?
We are all adults... Of course, maybe there are things that shouldn't be said by anyone. As for me, I'll have to figure out what I shouldn't say as I go along. Trying to figure out what is proper based on societal mores in American society is almost impossible. People are too often ostracized, black-balled, ex-communicated , exiled for what needs to be said but, what the status quo is unwilling to face. A nation in severe denial is the USA.
I've found in my own life that when you stay in denial for too long...the black dog will bite you in the ass. In other words reality will make itself known in a way that is utterly excruciatingly painful.
Then, you don't have the choice of ignoring it...or you can call the black dog a chipmunk and continue getting injured.
I'm owning my own words...whatever the consequences.
I can only guess why it's so hard to put my words down on paper. One thing I know that affects my ability to write in an adverse manner is consuming too much sugar and caffeine. I'm addicted...AGAIN! Working nights has done this to me. Or, I've done this to me working nights. I don't like working nights because it makes me exhausted. It has totally confused my body clock. I can't think clearly when I take in too much caffeine and sugar. Caffeine makes me insomoniatic (I love making up words). Sugar clouds my judgement and ability to think clearly.
So, why do I consume them.
I tend to drink a caffeine on the weekends when I work to stay awake on the days, that I sleep well. One of my coworkers talks about the things she does during the day. I sort of envied that, and I tried to do things on the days that I work. My coworker has more time to sleep though. She lives closer to the hospital than I do. She lives ten minutes away and I live an hour away...so, she doesn't have to go right to bed after work. I need to.
I feel really isolated sometimes. I was thinking about this yesterday when I took my eldest son shopping. I don't like that isolated feeling. But, I don't think it's time for me to get super social.
It's been difficult. I need to think about who I want to socialize with and whether I like the people or not and blah blah blah.
People are funny here in Atlanta...Nosy and wary. I'll explain that in another blog sometime.
I've been here for what seems an eternity. Sometimes, I wonder if I didn't relegate myself to my own personal hell by staying her for the past seventeen years. I can't believe it's been that long either.
When I came down here, I was running from the chaos in my family. I also wanted to protect my children from being treated like my mother and her children had been treated by the family. I was also running from a crazed husband who just wanted to use and abuse me and totally ignored the children. (By the way, my ex is still crazy as hell...my first ex).
Anyway, I am making a pledge to own my own words. After all, they are my own words. I think about what a dysfunctional society we live in when you have to be guarded about what you say. Or, people say you have to be guarded about what you say. Lest you offend the powers that be. But, who are they but human beings who find it fitting to say whatever they want?
We are all adults... Of course, maybe there are things that shouldn't be said by anyone. As for me, I'll have to figure out what I shouldn't say as I go along. Trying to figure out what is proper based on societal mores in American society is almost impossible. People are too often ostracized, black-balled, ex-communicated , exiled for what needs to be said but, what the status quo is unwilling to face. A nation in severe denial is the USA.
I've found in my own life that when you stay in denial for too long...the black dog will bite you in the ass. In other words reality will make itself known in a way that is utterly excruciatingly painful.
Then, you don't have the choice of ignoring it...or you can call the black dog a chipmunk and continue getting injured.
I'm owning my own words...whatever the consequences.
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