Curiouser N Effin Curiouser

I'm living an ugly surreality that has me plummeting down the rabbit hole.  I took vacation.  Requested it about a month ago because I felt tired, angry and confused.  I was becoming forgetful and apathetic. I don't think that my request was put in soon enough.  I feel just as exhausted as I did or worst than I did while I was working and I'm not sure why. Although I do have an idea.

I'm losing my mind.  I periodically do and I lost my mind last year around this time.

I promised myself after that last episode of burnout that it would not happen again.  Here it is though.  I think that my slow but sure separation from reality has to do with my cirumnstances.

About two weeks ago, my car-that I need to work with--broke down and I rented a car.  I also, in that same week signed an agreement with my landlord that stated that I owed her an exorbitant amount of money which I wasn't sure I owed her but signed anyway- out of gratitude.  I have returned the rented car and I still have no money because I was not able to work all of the hours that I needed to the first week that my car broke down. Not to mention that I didn't have that many hours the week before because I was afraid to drive my car for too long.

Then I decided, out of frustration that I was not going to get my car fixed, I had no money to have it towed and left it on the side of the road and now I owe the company that towed the care,

I can't tell wether I've been making decisions or decisions have been making me.  Either well, I can tell when I've been rushing past myself and how fast I've been going by the fallout that lays before me when I stop to rest. That's why it's so hard for me to rest.  Most of the time, the view is not very pretty when I've been "busy" doing "who knows what".

What have I been doing. Those tale tell signs of living carelessly vicariously are all over the place...unpaid bills, disorganization, clothes, paper everywhere...Like I said ugly.

I'm ready to face that looking glass while question marks with rabbit ears, strange hats and sceptors yelling "off with her head" dance happily in a circle around me.