My Dysfunction

It is the most disastrous and dysfunctional enviroment i've ever worked in but the cuddlefish in me says that I'm gong to just stay here blend in and make myself comfortable. By the way, that cuddlefish moved every which way...But the environment was not the right one.  The scientists even moved the environment around to see if they could elicit, the correct response but no way. Cuddlefish lesson #2: NO ONE IS COMFORTABLE IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL ENVIRONMENT-not even the people who are the source of the dysfunction.

I have often been used to chaotic environments and felt alive and well in them.  I don't like dysfunctional environments anymore but my low self-esteem still whispers softly (but less frequently) to me, you deserve to be abused and used and besides these people need you to make themselves feel like big people because you are smarter than they are and it makes them feels like kings and queens to try and control you and if they take the time to be bothered with you at all you owe them because you  are insignificant. (I don't really believe this anymore but old habits die hard and so do old belief systems),  So, is that nuts or what?

I have given so much of myself away so often that it has been a way of life  I've gotten better at preserving my emotional and spiritual integrity,  but in no way have I mastered the skill.  I keep looking around for people to love me and take care of me but, even when I find them, they can't give me the love and care that I feel that I need. Besides, everyone's definition of love is changing and evolving at different speeds.  That's why it's important to love yourself first, that way you can define love in whatever way you want.

I am perfectly capable of loving and taking care of myself but oh what a difficult task.  I will keep working at it until the day my heart stops beating and my lungs collapse. <~~~~~(Extreme do or die statement).
One of my favorite sayings is: "It's a long road from here to there"...I'm closer but I am no where near:THERE.