My Friend In Deed (Part 2)

The last time I chatted with Elise was in January.  She said that she had joked with her husband that she was going to divorce him. 

She said ,"Yeah, he says that I wasn't going nowhere and he would kill both of us"
 I said, "Elise, make sure you have someplace safe to go".
  "Awww, he's just kiddin'" she assured me,  "He ain't gonna do nothin', he says stuff like that all the time". 
I told her, well he shouldn't say things like that". 
Somehow, I got this fleeting sense that her husband was abusive.  Elise hid thatwell.

She didn't look like herself and I commented on how tired she looked. She explained that with the kids and taking care of her husband who was like a kid, she was indeed exhausted.  I walked out of the office door thinking to myself, why would a husband say that jokingly.
Domestic violence killings are all too common in the United States.  We sneerand criticize other cultures for cruelty to women and we talk about how horrible it is.  Women's organizations often champion civil rights and human cruelty violations visited on women in other countries, and I know that that is a good cause.  But how can we go to another country and try to mainatin the freedom of women there when we are still making strides here.  Massachusetts has an excellent domestic violence program there. Meny resources exist for women to impove their lives apart from an abusive spouse.
Domestic violence policy leaves a lot to be desired in terms of protecting women and children from crazed spouses. I have had experience with this.  Protecting yourself here can be a daunting task Filing a restraining order takes lots of time and effort.  When I filed against my last X, I discovered that the office was open only a few hours weekly.  I had a two year old son that Ihad to take with me.  And the caseworker told me that Ishould have found a babysitter. I am still incredulous. 

I ended up missing my court date because I had to drop mychildren off to school and on myway to the courthouse I was stuck in traffic. Domestic violence victims usually children and a poor support system.  The message that that court hours for filing and the lack of support and the ignorance of the advocate, sends a clear message in a patriarchal environment that women who are abused by there husbands are non citizes. It is likely that the woman has low self esteem and or suffers from depression. This is enough to discourage the most resilient of us.

I wish I had sat a little longer with Elise that day: to let her know that I understood what she was going through, and also tolet herknow that there are resources and support systems to support her in Georgia (however inadequate and shoddy they are.  Butall of the wishing in the world won't bring her back. 

I've often said that a true hero f first champions her own cause.Elise was trying to champion her cause by finally filing divorce proceeding against her husband.


She died a true hero.

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