She returned yesterday to get her stuff. I felt a slight relief and I felt kind of sad. I had walked around earlier in the day trying to inventory her stuff. She was so attached to her stuff that when she left all of those things, I was incredulous. But, I left as much of her posessions the way they were. (Except, I broke my thong sandles and borrowed a pair of hers to wear around the house. I'd hoped she wouldn't notice. If she did, she didn't say anything).
I looked at the back stilletos that are lined up against her wall in her room. I remember leaving many places in a hurry in my life. I've always left in a hurry, without thoroughly planning where I'm going. I've ended up here...Where the hell am I?
Actually, I'm not sure wether I should answer that question now or save it for another blog post. I'll save it. On with my daughters stuff. I used some of her gel yesterday on my hair because the curl q's in my head were coming undone. I wondered if she'd notice. I had borrowed a pair of her earrings and I'd slept in her bed, trying to preserve some essence of my daughter. I don't know why...it's not like she's ceased to exist.
But do I really want her back? The way that she was? When she came to get her stuff, I noticed a distance that between us that I'd never felt before. I took a bath when she came. I had been napping and it was noon and I ran some hot bath water and sat there for a while. I got out of the tub and wrapped myself in a towel and she came to my room door and asked me if she would give me a hug. I told her to just give me a kiss on the cheek because I was in dispose.
She walked into the room, kissed me on the cheek and proceeded to look for the cat that she begged me for and then left for me to take care of. I don't remember wether she kissed me or not.
I suppose I still have a little anger at my daughter because she left all of a sudden like. A sudden breaking a way that I was neither warned of nor was ready for. One thing that I have to realize is that it's not her fault. I had been preparing myself for this break all my life. But, not so abruptly. But, how can you really prepare for any event in life? Life is so full of unexpected stuff and twists and turns.
She's growing, I suppose. And I will be glad for the day when...if. Maybe, I should just be glad for this day...is
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