Hard. That's the only word that I can use to describe trying to be still for 30 days. The difficulty does not come from being still...it comes from trying to define what stillness is and being. Humanity is so accustomed to moving around and trying to fulfill it's illusions of reality that we create a virtual world that is destined to crumble from our vivid imaginations of what we thing safety and security is. It is hard to be real...hard to be still. It's hard to be real still. I've been moving about like a pot of heated molecules. I'm boiling.
What made the task of stillness even more daunting is being engaged by my children of whom all three are home. I wanted to sit, journal, ignore and shush them, but I couldn't. All extensions of me (to a certain extent) I see why I've drivien myself insane for the past 52 years, I understand why they move around all of the time. I couldn't shush besides they are a worthy and enjoyable distraction. . My life has been steeped in vicariousness...which helped me to escape my own personal pain.. I owe my children....infinitely for saving my life.
I'm tired today. I fell off the sugar wagon and ate browny and donuts. I was tired before then but after I ate all of those sweet things, the fatigue has descended upon my like so many vultures on a decayed carcass. It's eating me alive. So, I need to get back on the wagon and continue my sugar free journey which will make my life much sweeter (only God creates paradoxed like that).
I'm becoming a lover. A lover of God, life, people, myself and whatever I can gain the courage to face head on. In the words of the late great Scott M. Peck, "Life is difficult" but in my own words, life is lovely. We have only to look through the fog of our virtual reality to see it. But most of miss the lovliness, because we prefer fantastical lives and we are rarely if ever silent or still.
I'm going to try my stillness project again. Starting over. Today.
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