Still Trying The Still Project...

Okay, so this is supposed to be day 3 of my still thing.  And I am still messing up  I am logging my stillness or trying to log it in a journal.  But, I didn't journal yesterday.  I hit the ground running because I had not completed my work.  My work from work.  I'm very tired.  And I keep letting my boss talk me into working for her.  I want out.  I really do.  But I guess...not just yet.  I'm not exactly in angst anymore.  I was for a while. I was perplexed about life when I started this blog and what it had to offer or whether it had anything to offer.

I knew that I something to offer. But being pessimistic about life obliterates anything that a person has to offer. (I'm not sure that I even understand what I just said...but I will pick that sentence apart later).
What I'm trying to say is that if you expect life to give you anything without giving anything you won't get much.  Being a pessimist keeps you from giving because pessimism causes anger and resentment and bitterness and unforgiveness and you tend to hold onto things...

I'm not that interested in what the world has to offer anymore because what I found out ibs that you get what you give.  If you give beauty...that's what you get.  If you give ugly...that's what you get. Beauty and ugly avail themselves quite willingly.  It's a natural law of the universe. 

I've learned to enjoy giving without looking for rewards because  the reward lies in giving.  It's the most amazing thing.  But still...I am going to try to still myself for 30 days straight... Again.  I will start over today and see if I can tweak my stillness project to actually work for me.  I think that what I was looking for the first time around was something. I won't look for anything this time and see what comes. 

I'm a little scared this time because I'm not sure what will come and if I let go of my expectations willingly, that means that I'm giving up control of my stillness...which I don't really have control over in the first place.  But, the illusion of control is so strong that it is a part of me.  I have to let it go in order for this to work

STILL...