Depleted

I got nothing left... Or do I?  I feel empty.  Hollow.  Emotionally emaciated. I am heaving and nothing is coming out.  It is unseasonably cold outside and Stormy is sitting in front of my bed yawning and staring at me as though she is trying to figure out exactly what I am and where I came from.  My head hurts and I am wondering if I have a job...anywhere.  For now it's nice to pretend that I don't.  I'd like to complain about myself and say that I am just crazy because there is no other way to explain my state of existence and not wanting to work in the profession that I am in.  Tin drum feeling...I think about the lady next door who died and hope her exit from this world was a memorable experience.  I  also think about that movie I saw a couple of weeks ago called Afterlife and realize that being dead must be as daunting to some as being alive is to others. I try not to wonder why God went through the trouble of creating earth with humans on it because even if He were to explain it over and over again in full gory detail...I don't think that any of us would ever get it.  There is just no way to comprehend why a being as intelligent and powerful as God would create  a species that is hell bent on destroying itself.   It doesn't make sense to me.  I picture God as a little boy with baggy jeans, a blue and red striped tee shirt, black high top keds and a backward New York Mets baseball cap sitting on his head sitting on the curb on 5th Avenue in Manhattan with a magnifying glass holding it over us as we traipse aimlessly up and down the street waiting for the sun to burn us all to a crisp and not laughing but being somewhat awed at watching wither spontaneously from the heat... and marveling at that little wisp of smoke floating up from our remains.  God is not that cruel I tell myself daily...and then I add a question mark to the end of the sentence.  Paradox...Someone who loves us in spite of ourselves.  That's a hard task.  I struggle to love ME in spite of myself,,,forget mankind.  If we can love each other at all...I think we are doing good 'cause apparently that seems to be a task that is lost on most of us.  Truly loving.  I sat up watching one of those documentary things where a lady killed her husband.  White people kill their spouses rather frequently it seems.  Black people don't do it as much but maybe it's because fewer of us are married.  I'd like to put a picture on my blog but I don't have anything relevant.  There is a camera on my phone.  I have taken lovely pictures with it before.  I need to go to the grocery store but I keep thinking that I don't really want to get up.  I called my young sun a couple of minutes ago and I know he heard me but would not answer.  I know that he heard me because when he got ready he came in my room and asked me what I wanted and I lied and told him that I forgot because I had changed my mind about going to the store and buying stuff that I probably don't need anyway.  I like going to the store and spending money just for the hell of it.  Like I have the money to spend for the hell of it.  I didn't call Karyn last night.  She gave Ashley the computer...that sucks.  What a bummer.  I feel empty, depleted.  I drank lots of coffee because that coffee gods beckoned me. The coffee gave me energy that I really didn't have.   The coffee gods  were warning me that my body was breaking down but my brain failed to read the memo...Ever like watching animal shaped clouds float across the sky while you lay on your back when you were a kid?  Or twirl around on the grass when you were a kid and watch the world go in circles...Life was like having your own amusement park back then.  And you were so wonder laden you didn't even need money to get on the rides....THE END