I need to write. It is a vital part of my existence. I don't know why it is that way. But I must have been born like that. I've wielded a pen ever since I can remember. I looked at my journal the other the day. About 18 years ago I wrote some things that I wish I hadn't. But, that is how I felt at the time. I can't believe that was me. So my angst...I've come to the conclusion that every angst that I have...have expressed...tend to feel is not generated by some outside influence, but comes from deep down inside of me. Scary, huh?
My anxieties, may dislikes, my likes, my vulnerabilities, faults... That's a hard pill to swallow when you've been blaming your childhood, your boss, your mom and dad, grandma, your ex husband. I don't always blame people for my stuff. Not all the way. Sometimes, I take responsibility for my stuff and then just feel like it's someone else's fault. Like that job that I took and then realized that I couldn't do that job and just didn't show up for work after I let the people convince me that I could do the job. It's their fault they should have hired me when I really needed a job...that's what I thought at first.
I still have angst...but I want to move past angst to love and contentment. I am tired of feeling like it's me against the world...for whatever reason. The world has not done anything to me. I have always had a fascination with Ghost Hunters and the afterlife in general. But, I need to pay full attention to my present life. I'm not dead yet.
I read an article this morning about a man who is in jail for stalking people on the internet and encouraging them to commit suicide. I'm not judging this fool but this case is the beginning of the thought police. Virtual cases are hard to prove. Five people committed suicide and he admitted that he enticed and encouraged them. But, the people themselves were responsible for actually acting...weren't they? He was a nurse by the way...I'd love to follow this case to see what the outcome would be. Makes you wonder where personal responsibility actually begins and ends.
Anyway...this is just a page of musing...things I thought but would write and not dare say for fear of being thought of as weird... I think that this might be the end of journey to the center of my angst. I am considering starting a new blog. I still like this one though, but it's time for me to move on.
My anxieties, may dislikes, my likes, my vulnerabilities, faults... That's a hard pill to swallow when you've been blaming your childhood, your boss, your mom and dad, grandma, your ex husband. I don't always blame people for my stuff. Not all the way. Sometimes, I take responsibility for my stuff and then just feel like it's someone else's fault. Like that job that I took and then realized that I couldn't do that job and just didn't show up for work after I let the people convince me that I could do the job. It's their fault they should have hired me when I really needed a job...that's what I thought at first.
I still have angst...but I want to move past angst to love and contentment. I am tired of feeling like it's me against the world...for whatever reason. The world has not done anything to me. I have always had a fascination with Ghost Hunters and the afterlife in general. But, I need to pay full attention to my present life. I'm not dead yet.
I read an article this morning about a man who is in jail for stalking people on the internet and encouraging them to commit suicide. I'm not judging this fool but this case is the beginning of the thought police. Virtual cases are hard to prove. Five people committed suicide and he admitted that he enticed and encouraged them. But, the people themselves were responsible for actually acting...weren't they? He was a nurse by the way...I'd love to follow this case to see what the outcome would be. Makes you wonder where personal responsibility actually begins and ends.
Anyway...this is just a page of musing...things I thought but would write and not dare say for fear of being thought of as weird... I think that this might be the end of journey to the center of my angst. I am considering starting a new blog. I still like this one though, but it's time for me to move on.
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