It occurred to me upon awakening this morning that 1) I'm still here.
2) I am dynamic.
3) I don't know how to be.
The last part is the most difficult to come to terms with. Being here is a given. We will always be, in some form another. Once you are...it's a done deal. You never cease to exist. (That's the God in us, I guess).
I never thought of myself as dynamic though. Passionate yes, dynamic no. I guess maybe passion makes you dynamic. So, maybe if you are passionate about something, dynamics just comes into play. You have to assert yourself to be dynamic though. I haven't been asserting myself. I guess I'll start so that I can be true to form.
And...being. Who I be...has always or often depended on how I was defined by someone else. A chronic people pleaser...I can't say that I have never defined myself...I have just been so uncertain...so often of who I was. My life has depended on taking care of others and making sure that they live their lives to the fullest. I have often wanted to forget about mine.
Steeped in pain and shame. Being is hard. Just being. I want to be now. One day I will be without choice. I want to be while I can still choose. I've always wanted to be agreeable, avoid any kind of conflict or emotional pain and I have not been able to sustain any of these conditions for long periods of time. Unless of course I have walked around with my eyes closed, cloaked in numbness.
I think it takes a lifetime to define who you are. Even when you are dying you are still defining.
I'm not angry about being for other people. I didn't know any other way. But, I am changing I guess, willingly and uncontrollably. I wonder sometimes how many people think about how they are? Or if most people just go through their lives bouncing off of events, people places and things?
Who knows. I just want to be...
2) I am dynamic.
3) I don't know how to be.
The last part is the most difficult to come to terms with. Being here is a given. We will always be, in some form another. Once you are...it's a done deal. You never cease to exist. (That's the God in us, I guess).
I never thought of myself as dynamic though. Passionate yes, dynamic no. I guess maybe passion makes you dynamic. So, maybe if you are passionate about something, dynamics just comes into play. You have to assert yourself to be dynamic though. I haven't been asserting myself. I guess I'll start so that I can be true to form.
And...being. Who I be...has always or often depended on how I was defined by someone else. A chronic people pleaser...I can't say that I have never defined myself...I have just been so uncertain...so often of who I was. My life has depended on taking care of others and making sure that they live their lives to the fullest. I have often wanted to forget about mine.
Steeped in pain and shame. Being is hard. Just being. I want to be now. One day I will be without choice. I want to be while I can still choose. I've always wanted to be agreeable, avoid any kind of conflict or emotional pain and I have not been able to sustain any of these conditions for long periods of time. Unless of course I have walked around with my eyes closed, cloaked in numbness.
I think it takes a lifetime to define who you are. Even when you are dying you are still defining.
I'm not angry about being for other people. I didn't know any other way. But, I am changing I guess, willingly and uncontrollably. I wonder sometimes how many people think about how they are? Or if most people just go through their lives bouncing off of events, people places and things?
Who knows. I just want to be...
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