I always say that Scott M. Peck made an understatement when he wrote the famous words, "Life is difficult". I couldn't have said it better. Then, you have people on the radio who are paid to gripe for 2-3 hours and make you feel worse than you already do. Don't they know that they are contributing to the ills of society by sitting on their soap boxes and criticizing everything that s happening in the world today?
What's worse is that their rants are usually inaccurate, ill-informed, false and they offer no solutions. I have sat in bed for a week listening to Neil Boortz spew his false illusions about the news and politics. I'm just as crazy as he is because I actually listened to what he was saying. Doesn't he know that if you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem? Amazing that some can get paid to deliver verbal ignorance. Only in America.
I'm tired today and I just want to go back to bed. The sky is gray but I don't think it would make a difference in my mood. I would just sit here, staring out out at the sky and typing. I am trying to take care of myself. I can't say that I didn't know how difficult it is to do this because I kind of came to terms with that when I cried after I quit that hospice job this week. I extricated myself from that job because my psyche is becoming more and more incompatible with dysfunction. What I mean is that I recognize a bad situation quicker and can move out of it faster.
But, why did I cry? I cried (I think), because all of my illusions of who I am seem to be melting away. I have always been a caretaker...a rescuer, a fixer and I realized that I was in the process of destroying myself of sacrificing my well-being for someone else's and to look at what I was doing really scared me. Two full-time jobs? I have never in my life worked two full-time jobs. When I am at work...I work as though I am working two jobs. I give it my all. So, I don't need a job in addition to the 40 hours a week.
I got so sick last week trying to do that job. Actually, half of the nurses in the company called out on Monday. I realized that I had let so much of my life fall by the wayside. I got behind on my bills. My electricity got shut off and I forgot to respond to voicemail and e-mail. I was not writing. It was like I just dropped everything to go out and try to benefit someone else. That used to work for me. It just doesn't anymore. I am beginning to understand what it means to take care of yourself more and more. But, it still doesn't feel comfortable.
I know that one day it will.
When I am not taking care of myself, a part of me rebels. I lose stuff, forget stuff and just get generally anxious and confused. Initially I wrote that I never used to do that, but I did. The more I ignored my inner yearnings...the farther away I drifted from my purpose in life. It made me anxious and confused. In the past, I have gotten so much of my self-esteem from the compliments and pats on the head that people gave me when I did stuff for them. I don't care about that anymore. It is just so weird.
So, this last attempt to run from myself just didn't work. I got sick, realized that I was about to kill myself and I left the situation. Wow! That is such a miracle. I wasn't angry either. I usually have to get really pissed off before I act on my own behalf. I really want to focus on fixing my own life and to stop living vicariously through the masses. (But,if I could just convince Neal Boortz of how terribly distorted his views are).
Okay...I didn't write anything about my day or what I did yesterday but, this is how I like to start the day. LUV YA!
What's worse is that their rants are usually inaccurate, ill-informed, false and they offer no solutions. I have sat in bed for a week listening to Neil Boortz spew his false illusions about the news and politics. I'm just as crazy as he is because I actually listened to what he was saying. Doesn't he know that if you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem? Amazing that some can get paid to deliver verbal ignorance. Only in America.
I'm tired today and I just want to go back to bed. The sky is gray but I don't think it would make a difference in my mood. I would just sit here, staring out out at the sky and typing. I am trying to take care of myself. I can't say that I didn't know how difficult it is to do this because I kind of came to terms with that when I cried after I quit that hospice job this week. I extricated myself from that job because my psyche is becoming more and more incompatible with dysfunction. What I mean is that I recognize a bad situation quicker and can move out of it faster.
But, why did I cry? I cried (I think), because all of my illusions of who I am seem to be melting away. I have always been a caretaker...a rescuer, a fixer and I realized that I was in the process of destroying myself of sacrificing my well-being for someone else's and to look at what I was doing really scared me. Two full-time jobs? I have never in my life worked two full-time jobs. When I am at work...I work as though I am working two jobs. I give it my all. So, I don't need a job in addition to the 40 hours a week.
I got so sick last week trying to do that job. Actually, half of the nurses in the company called out on Monday. I realized that I had let so much of my life fall by the wayside. I got behind on my bills. My electricity got shut off and I forgot to respond to voicemail and e-mail. I was not writing. It was like I just dropped everything to go out and try to benefit someone else. That used to work for me. It just doesn't anymore. I am beginning to understand what it means to take care of yourself more and more. But, it still doesn't feel comfortable.
I know that one day it will.
When I am not taking care of myself, a part of me rebels. I lose stuff, forget stuff and just get generally anxious and confused. Initially I wrote that I never used to do that, but I did. The more I ignored my inner yearnings...the farther away I drifted from my purpose in life. It made me anxious and confused. In the past, I have gotten so much of my self-esteem from the compliments and pats on the head that people gave me when I did stuff for them. I don't care about that anymore. It is just so weird.
So, this last attempt to run from myself just didn't work. I got sick, realized that I was about to kill myself and I left the situation. Wow! That is such a miracle. I wasn't angry either. I usually have to get really pissed off before I act on my own behalf. I really want to focus on fixing my own life and to stop living vicariously through the masses. (But,if I could just convince Neal Boortz of how terribly distorted his views are).
Okay...I didn't write anything about my day or what I did yesterday but, this is how I like to start the day. LUV YA!
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