I slept all day today. I'm still tired. It rained very hard this morning and I just lay down. With the house being a mess again (I found the young sons dirty socks on the kitchen table this morning), I can't ignore the fact that I let go of my responsibilities to once again go out and try to save the world. I'm tired.
I decided about a month ago that I would take another job. Not intending to work two jobs, I then became uncertain of whether or not I wanted to leave the job that I had. So, I decided that I would try to work two until I was certain of which one I really wanted. I'm still tired." flat on my back tired". Perhaps it's a combination of fatigue and grief at once again being faced with my limitations and hurting myself.
While I was sleep I had another family betrayal dream. In the dream, the family had had a gathering without me, my oldest brother had come to town without saying anything to me and left. But, I confronted my older youngest brother (who does it all of the time), he didn't really respond the way that I had hoped and I cursed him out. He was like, "who cares about you?" So, as usual I became upset and started spouting a stream of swear words and it made me look like a real idiot. And just drove an even bigger wedge between me and my other family members because I was being disrespectful and disruptive. Black people scare me sometimes...more than white people do.
It was a sad and painful dream.
I feel very depressed. I don't know why. I think that it is the physical fallout from eating too much sugar and fat. And...
Coming out of denial and seeing everything clearly and brightly. I don't know why I had to have an epiphany today. I never asked for it. But, I know it is a gift. I just need to accept it and learn to appreciate it. Unfortunately I'm not there.
The epiphany is that I need to make changes in my life. I need to once again detach from those who don't have my best interests at heart and try to hurt me. I also need to not forget that it's not my responsibility to make the world spin on it's axis. Somedays, that knowledge is lost on me.
I need to pull my head out of the lion's mouth once again. I don't think that a wild beast can truly be tamed. Can it? Everyone and everything will always be true to their nature or who or what they truly are. (Including me. Who or what am I?)
You can throw a rock and call it a feather but it will still knock someone unconscious if it hits them in the head. Nothing can change that fact. (Well, maybe something can I just don't know what it is).
I also need to take care of myself and put myself first. It has been difficult doing that but I have done it so, I know that it can be done. I am off and running...I'm still wondering what makes me sad. Maybe it's best not to dwell on it and as the kids say, "keep it movin'".
I decided about a month ago that I would take another job. Not intending to work two jobs, I then became uncertain of whether or not I wanted to leave the job that I had. So, I decided that I would try to work two until I was certain of which one I really wanted. I'm still tired." flat on my back tired". Perhaps it's a combination of fatigue and grief at once again being faced with my limitations and hurting myself.
- I am fatigued and overstepping the bounds of 53 year old single parent.
- I am agrieved at the fact that I could not accomplish the impossible.
While I was sleep I had another family betrayal dream. In the dream, the family had had a gathering without me, my oldest brother had come to town without saying anything to me and left. But, I confronted my older youngest brother (who does it all of the time), he didn't really respond the way that I had hoped and I cursed him out. He was like, "who cares about you?" So, as usual I became upset and started spouting a stream of swear words and it made me look like a real idiot. And just drove an even bigger wedge between me and my other family members because I was being disrespectful and disruptive. Black people scare me sometimes...more than white people do.
It was a sad and painful dream.
I feel very depressed. I don't know why. I think that it is the physical fallout from eating too much sugar and fat. And...
Coming out of denial and seeing everything clearly and brightly. I don't know why I had to have an epiphany today. I never asked for it. But, I know it is a gift. I just need to accept it and learn to appreciate it. Unfortunately I'm not there.
The epiphany is that I need to make changes in my life. I need to once again detach from those who don't have my best interests at heart and try to hurt me. I also need to not forget that it's not my responsibility to make the world spin on it's axis. Somedays, that knowledge is lost on me.
I need to pull my head out of the lion's mouth once again. I don't think that a wild beast can truly be tamed. Can it? Everyone and everything will always be true to their nature or who or what they truly are. (Including me. Who or what am I?)
You can throw a rock and call it a feather but it will still knock someone unconscious if it hits them in the head. Nothing can change that fact. (Well, maybe something can I just don't know what it is).
I also need to take care of myself and put myself first. It has been difficult doing that but I have done it so, I know that it can be done. I am off and running...I'm still wondering what makes me sad. Maybe it's best not to dwell on it and as the kids say, "keep it movin'".
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