I don't want to think. I've been sick all weekend and I've been in the bed sleeping. I haven't had a chance to rest for the past year and I need to think about what it is that I can do for myself. I'm tired and sick. Now. I don't think that I will come up with a solution to this issue by today at five o'clock. it has been an issue for too long. Living a kamakazi life. I go and just go and just go until I just can't go no more. It's almost like my brain locks down and refuses to think another thought. Because after a while my thought process is null and void. Slow and I can't hold a resolution to anything for long. Changing my mind like you change position in bed to get comfortable. And being sick, little makes you comfortable. All you can do is sleep.
I realized, that I burned myself out like I always do. Ignoring the fact that I have a life to live and trying to make someone else's life better. I'm not mad just baffled. A little delirious maybe. Curious as to how I end up doing these things. What can I do to love myself unconditionally without putting myself on automatic pilot while running towards the abyss? Why do I have to find myself in severe emotional and spiritual distress before I even start to ask myself these questions?
I should know that when my days and weeks and minutes begin to run all over the page, and it begins to become difficult to distinguish one from another, that I am too exhausted. By that time I should know that it's time to rest. But, I always convince myself that fatigue is a character flaw that I must overcome and therefore I must keep on going.
So, I let someone talk me into going to church twice a week and going to various functions on the weekend when I have to work just like I let someone convince me to sign a paper saying that i would pay an exorbitant amount for rent and...agreed to not have any repairs done to the house that I'm renting until I finished paying for a loan that this person decided to take out that my heart starts to pound wildly in my chest when I see on the page the carelessness with which I have lived my life. Who else is crazy enough to do these things but me?
I pushed myself to take my son school shopping for his clothes. That was an exhausting experience. And we were both sick this weekend. What am I doing to him?
I made a commitment to take care of two little boys last year so that they could go to school in the same neighborhood that they were in. I thought that I was doing a good thing but found myself so exhausted by the end of the school year that I don't think I ever recovered. I've stayed on a job where I am hated by my higher ups and their main ambition in life is to make my life as miserable as possible. I haven't had a full weekend off since last summer. And I'm tired. Very tired. So? Where do I go from here? What do I do? How do I proceed?
I remember at the beginnning of the summer saying that I didn't know how to proceed. Maybe the thing is just to proceed. Writing. That is how I will proceed.
One thing I know that I will do is take my time. I used to think writing was just a dream, a fantasy. Now I know that writing is a part of who I am. I love it even if no one reads what I write. I just love to write to spew myself on the page. It is the most fascinating thing to me. To see my thoughts in words.
To proceed.
I realized, that I burned myself out like I always do. Ignoring the fact that I have a life to live and trying to make someone else's life better. I'm not mad just baffled. A little delirious maybe. Curious as to how I end up doing these things. What can I do to love myself unconditionally without putting myself on automatic pilot while running towards the abyss? Why do I have to find myself in severe emotional and spiritual distress before I even start to ask myself these questions?
I should know that when my days and weeks and minutes begin to run all over the page, and it begins to become difficult to distinguish one from another, that I am too exhausted. By that time I should know that it's time to rest. But, I always convince myself that fatigue is a character flaw that I must overcome and therefore I must keep on going.
So, I let someone talk me into going to church twice a week and going to various functions on the weekend when I have to work just like I let someone convince me to sign a paper saying that i would pay an exorbitant amount for rent and...agreed to not have any repairs done to the house that I'm renting until I finished paying for a loan that this person decided to take out that my heart starts to pound wildly in my chest when I see on the page the carelessness with which I have lived my life. Who else is crazy enough to do these things but me?
I pushed myself to take my son school shopping for his clothes. That was an exhausting experience. And we were both sick this weekend. What am I doing to him?
I made a commitment to take care of two little boys last year so that they could go to school in the same neighborhood that they were in. I thought that I was doing a good thing but found myself so exhausted by the end of the school year that I don't think I ever recovered. I've stayed on a job where I am hated by my higher ups and their main ambition in life is to make my life as miserable as possible. I haven't had a full weekend off since last summer. And I'm tired. Very tired. So? Where do I go from here? What do I do? How do I proceed?
I remember at the beginnning of the summer saying that I didn't know how to proceed. Maybe the thing is just to proceed. Writing. That is how I will proceed.
One thing I know that I will do is take my time. I used to think writing was just a dream, a fantasy. Now I know that writing is a part of who I am. I love it even if no one reads what I write. I just love to write to spew myself on the page. It is the most fascinating thing to me. To see my thoughts in words.
To proceed.
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