Self- Focus

Focusing on myself, or Self is the hardest thing for me to do.  It is so seductive to just mind everyone else's business.  But, I need to focus on myself.  And what keeps me trying to run away from me? Who knows.  I'm just scary inside.  That journey inward just seems like a dark cave and who knows what'll come jumping out atcha. 

I decided to focus on myself.  Force it.  I'm focusing on myself because, now, more than ever, ain't nothin outside worth focusing on.  And whatever I'm looking for is not out THERE.  I don't care what it is... I've discovered and I actually sat down on the edge of my bed this morning and listed with question marks the things that might be worth something outside of me.  And after every question mark, was an honest to goodness "no", it's really not. 

What is so unattractive about my innerds? Believe it or not, there is a lot of stuff, like skeletons, that I'm not familiar with.  And nobody likes skeletons.  Even the plastic ones that your teacher has in science class in the 9th grade is kinda creepy.  And forget  the ones that glow in the dark during Halloween. The creepiest ones of all though are the ones that lurk in the depths of your subconcious...I'm tellin' ya.  When I think about 'em they get my knees to knockin' and my teeth chatterin's somethin' terrible.

But, I have to meet them.  They are a little different from the monster under the bed.  I'll have to examine why.  Because at the moment I don't know but I just feel that way.  (But I know there is a reason, that I feel that way).

By the way, my manager is not my manager anymore. Either she demoted herself or got demoted.  I wish I felt good about that but I don't. Despite what she was doing, a sort of grief exists.  Maybe, I'm grieving for having been a victim all of my life... Who knows?  (Seems like humans grieve about everything, but that's another subject).

I want to spend more time on this blog so that I can edit it a little better, my punctuation is terrible!