scattered and confused and continued

what  i realize is that much of my life has been grounded in fantasy and the future... when this or that happens, the cinderella complex.  and then they lived happilly ever after....after they graduate school, get a good job, get married, have children and buy the house with a white picket fence, plus or minus a dog, cat and/or hamster. i've strived to do all of those things.  all my life i've been like a five year old at a tap dance recital looking out at the audience with a big grin and waiting for a standing ovation... while tripping over my tap shoes.

and somehow, i've grown into a fifty year old who has traded in her tap shoes, taken a bow with her back to the audience and walked off stage...so now what?

i no longer have my future or my self esteem, grounded in what i do or own or associate with.  i've plucked my life out  by the roots.  and i've decided to recreate my identity from the ground up. so who am i without all that stuff? t we not only are born with  but acquire more as we walk this lifes journey so that we can look good to everyone else.  we all walk around with blankeys of fantasy that we keep patching up with bits and pieces of reality depending on what we are willing to accept and deal with. (I'm convinced that everyone on earth lives this way..  I'm tossing my blanky too... at fifty two, you don't really need one if you know who you are ( well maybe I need to hold onto mine a little longer. it has served me well). and even with the uncertainty, i'm totally willing to brave the elements with out it.

okay, so what happens when you detach from all this stuff.?..addictions are what they are. money, food, houses, clothes...planes, trains, automobiles.  my addictions are the house that i live in but don't own, coffee, the internet, people pleasing, reading, dissarray, sugar, and other foods, music used to be one of my addictions.  i still listen to it but i am no longer one with the beat. i can love it without depending on it. also.  so far i've managed to wean myself off of coffee.  it is rough.  i don't like the taste of it anymore as my body detoxes and when i get upset or want to finish a project it doesnt help to have a cup of coffee by my side anymore.

writing used to be an addiction but now it's a passtime.  it's almost like a magic mirror that puts me knows to knows (nose to nose) with myself wether i like me or not.  so now i build an identity.  why?  i've always worked hard to hide and be invisible.  maybe, i'll just stay in hiding. what do you need an identity for when people go around stealing them all of the time?