My experiences at work for the last few weeks have been surreal. In some ways I feel like a baby in the womb, large...but no where near time to be born. I twist and turn in this environment of mine...naked and unknown. wondering daily who I am here...now because, in no way am I familiar with the person that I was last week yesterday, minutes or even seconds ago. Transition...change. Call it what you will. I am having difficulty processing the events that so change my point of reference...that I am constantly wondering...who I am and how I arrived at the point that I stand at now.
My tendency in a crisis is to emotionally fade to black in an effor to ignore the unpleasantness that is coursing through my very being. It numbs me and allows me to block out the circumstances that threaten to obliterate my very existence. I feel ignored and insignificant in the face of someone else's abuse. Running from my demons in an effort to save myself.
I have chosen to stand and fight. I have stood and fought in the past but only when my circumstances have so severely overtaken me that it is impossible for me to ignore them or escape them any longer. By then, I am so angry that I cannot do anything but retaliate...but I have never really learned to defend myself. Not really.
I often at these time lashing out furiously, rationally but as brutally as my attacker. Only when I have again resumed a safe distance do I stop. Then, I run...again.
My actions are usually out of a desparation, a fear that I would be hard pressed to describe. The unpleasant feelings of shame and guilt of existing to be a target are overwhelming. Then, the feelings cycle to anger at the person who has assaulted me and then fear as to what they might do next. My goal is always to just stop that assault at the time, for that time...so that I can keep my attacker at bay long enough to escape to emotional safety. I run.
The cycle then continues.
My work situation has come to this. I have experienced this over and over again at work, at home...wherever I go. I'm tired of it. I'm angry about it. It needs to stop, it will stop. I have had enough. I am functioning in a fog. It is difficult to function this way. But, I will keep moving.
My goal is to take responsibility for what is mine and not allow others to heap their emotional garbage on me. I am so tired of this. It never occurred to me how sick people are,especially my boss, until now. I'm having a hard time believing what I have seen and experienced from her and her minions within the past month or so.
But, I need to see. I want to see. I have to see so that I can continue with my work.
The emotional pain I feel concerning the things going on at work are gut wrenching and hard to sort out. I have been violated to an extent that I have never experienced in my 29 years of work. It brings to light so many questions in my head about how someone can work in a field that requires compassion and have no sense of compassion at all. Or just feel that the rules don't apply to them because they hold a position of power.
I think that what is most difficult about this whole situation is the lies that we tell ourselves in order to keep our lives quiet and orderly. To maintain a "quasi-peaceful" and waveless existance. What is most compelling is the parts of ourselves that we sacrifice to promote and protect lies that harm others, as long as they don't seem to bother us.
I'm sad.
My tendency in a crisis is to emotionally fade to black in an effor to ignore the unpleasantness that is coursing through my very being. It numbs me and allows me to block out the circumstances that threaten to obliterate my very existence. I feel ignored and insignificant in the face of someone else's abuse. Running from my demons in an effort to save myself.
I have chosen to stand and fight. I have stood and fought in the past but only when my circumstances have so severely overtaken me that it is impossible for me to ignore them or escape them any longer. By then, I am so angry that I cannot do anything but retaliate...but I have never really learned to defend myself. Not really.
I often at these time lashing out furiously, rationally but as brutally as my attacker. Only when I have again resumed a safe distance do I stop. Then, I run...again.
My actions are usually out of a desparation, a fear that I would be hard pressed to describe. The unpleasant feelings of shame and guilt of existing to be a target are overwhelming. Then, the feelings cycle to anger at the person who has assaulted me and then fear as to what they might do next. My goal is always to just stop that assault at the time, for that time...so that I can keep my attacker at bay long enough to escape to emotional safety. I run.
The cycle then continues.
My work situation has come to this. I have experienced this over and over again at work, at home...wherever I go. I'm tired of it. I'm angry about it. It needs to stop, it will stop. I have had enough. I am functioning in a fog. It is difficult to function this way. But, I will keep moving.
My goal is to take responsibility for what is mine and not allow others to heap their emotional garbage on me. I am so tired of this. It never occurred to me how sick people are,especially my boss, until now. I'm having a hard time believing what I have seen and experienced from her and her minions within the past month or so.
But, I need to see. I want to see. I have to see so that I can continue with my work.
The emotional pain I feel concerning the things going on at work are gut wrenching and hard to sort out. I have been violated to an extent that I have never experienced in my 29 years of work. It brings to light so many questions in my head about how someone can work in a field that requires compassion and have no sense of compassion at all. Or just feel that the rules don't apply to them because they hold a position of power.
I think that what is most difficult about this whole situation is the lies that we tell ourselves in order to keep our lives quiet and orderly. To maintain a "quasi-peaceful" and waveless existance. What is most compelling is the parts of ourselves that we sacrifice to promote and protect lies that harm others, as long as they don't seem to bother us.
I'm sad.
No comments:
Post a Comment