Just To Be

I'm counting how many days go by before any of my family members call me.  I would call them. It seems crazy, but I always feel as though I am chasing them down.  Maybe, they are just too busy to keep in contact with me, or each other.  But, I know that that's not true.  They keep in contact with each other.  I am always left out of the loop.

This has caused me lots of pain in the past. Being excluded. Back in the day, there were always excuses: "You always startin' trouble." "You jes' like ta fight!" or "You ain't never home."  But,  what I realize is, I have never been thought of as "a part of".  I've always been thought of as" apart from" where my family is concerned.

Take for instance, the fourth of July.  When I chased my family down.  Granted, I was invited to the barbecue the previous week by my father.  One of my brothers was expected to be in town that Sunday. (There are seven of us-three boys and four girls).  My brother's never call me when they come to town.  My older brother had been in town for over a month.  I  tried to reach him on several occasions.  He wouldn't return my phone calls.  My two sisters, who live here in Atlanta with me, always know when they are here.

My older sister called me on Saturday and I'd just missed her call by a minute.  But, when I tried to call her back, she would not answer the phone and she never returned my phone call.  This is not unusual for her, she's done this many times before.  It's a head game that she plays, but she'd never admit it.

So, that Monday, I summoned my two oldest children and we drove to the country.  Daddy, had told me that he was going to be out at his house.  I left town, feeling uncertain about wether anyone would be there or not.  But, I wanted to see my family and so I ventured out.

I was able to reach my oldest sisters cell that day, when we were on our way to Daddy's house.  She was a few minutes behind us.  When the children and I reached my father's house, no one was there.  Everyone showed up a few minutes after we arrived.  It was work not to panic.  I had spent two hours sleeping from having worked the night before.  Not only that, we'd gotten lost on the way there and  that took us about 30 minutes out of the way.  Clarification: My daughter had driven for 2 hours.  The last 30 minutes plus, were the ones that I added on to the trip when I took the wheel.

I could ramble, rave and rant for ten paragraphs about this whole scenario but, it's not the point. Most days I feel like an only child in this family of mine.  I have often worked the hardest out of anyone of my sisters or brothers to be involved. They don't want to meet me half way. It's like calling repeatedly to try to talk to them hollering, "Is anybody out there?" and receiving an eternal echo.  Maybe it'd be a good idea to just listen to myself for once.

When I was a kid, I used to think that everyone in my family was stupid.  Now, I realize that they are just absent. Emotionally. They don't connect with me because they can't.

I have often worked hard to relate to and develop relationships with my brothers and sisters. But...to no avail.  My relationships to my sisters and brothers are inconsistent. Peek-a-boo relationships. Now I see them, then I don't.

Every so often,  I feel loved and embraced by them. But, sometimes I wonder if I was found on somebody's doorstep. ( I know I belong to someone.)

I've decided that I need to just live my life to the best of my ability and forget about my sisters and brother,  whether I can relate to them or not.

It is a burdensome thing that really weighs me down sometimes.  I've spent my entire life trying to convince my family that I am not crazy.  Now, I am trying to convince myself that they are the sane and rational human beings that I always thought they were. Then, again sanity is relative to your reality.

I liked it better when I thought I was nuts! Maybe that's insane.

I'm not angry or anything about it.  I just need to accept facts.  My sisters and brothers and I are just different.  I don't see the world the same way that they do.  (I don't see the world the same way many people do, by the way. Thank God!)  I need to detach from approval seeking mode and move on.

Move on.  That's what I'm working on.  Moving on...

Just to be.