Screeeeeech!

I'm on a glorious journey but,  my psyche has come to a screeching halt.  I'm standing on the edge of a huge abyss. It is deep and wide. As I look down, I don't see any rocks.  I see water...bright, blue  calm.  A waterfall leads down there.  A huge torrent of liquid that splashes violently below as the rapids flow. How can the water down there look so calm and inviting?

I want to get across and continue my journey.  I can't stand here for ever. 

What do I do?
Do I attempt to jump across the abyss to get to the other side?
Do I jump into the abyss and swim to the other side?  (I'd have to climb back up.)
Do I ride the waterfall down and pray that I make it safely? (I'm not that good a swimmer.)
Do I sprout wings and fly across?

The last option seems the most viable.  The most likely too.  I am not about to try to jump across or down into or ride on a waterfall.
I have written somewhere in my journals before about my psyche coming to a screeching halt.  I usually get scared and try to jumpstart it with something.  A good book, a new activity going to church.  Something to get my creative and thought juices flowing.  But all of that activity is born out of anxiety.
Born out of the fear that time is outrunning me.  I always put on my nikes and get back in the race. 
Trying to outrun the inevitable has always made me collapse from exhaustion.
You just can't out run the inevitablities in life. So, you just live life. And wait. 
What are the inevitabilities? Hmmmm.  I gotta think that one through.
I don't like it when my psyche gets clogged up with so much stuff that I am too tired or frustrated or anxious or sad to think.  I feel numb and dumb. I don't have the energy to go out and save the world like I'm 'sposed to because I am too busy looking after myself.

I am then required to turn my attention my self and my own well being.  I used to get so frightened when I had these extended brain farts that I would run around in desparation trying to get out of these periods of stagnancy. Then I'd run so far and so long that I'd tumble off of a cliff and smash onto the rocks. Then I'd regenerate myself and patch myself up and find away to do it all over again...like it was fun.
When I act of desparation, I end up doing the same things over and over again and garnering temporary relief.  My thought process is like an internal boomerang. It comes back and hits me in the head. Whammo! It knocks me senseless and I'm off running, time behind me tryna catch up--so I've deluded myself into thinking...

Psyche...screeching...grinding halt. The noise in my head is necessary noise. But, I don't want to hear it. It's valuable information that I don't want to receive at this time.  It is tell me that I am past due to change my modus operandi.  It's like changing your pin number on your debit card.
I shiver.

Random Thoughts

Aw heck, it's morning. I forgot to put out the trash.  I'm tired and I think...Random thoughts.  It's cold in here.  The sun is up and the street lights go off.  Stormy sneaked into one of my dresser drawers leaving a trail of shedding hair behind her. My knees hurt. Bad Girls Club is fun to watch.  Never occurred to me that people who claim to be grown women would choose to act like animals.  Charlie Sheen...I'm angry at and fascinated with him at the same time.  May he rest in peace.  The epitome of arrogance and foolishness.  I don't feel sorry for him.  But, I do have sympathy for Lindsay Lohan.  Why are we prone to do the same things over and over and over again and expect different results? I have never watched Groundhog Day in it's entirety because I think that it hits too close to home for me.   I don't want to nurse anymore...I want to be and feel free.  I can be and feel free.  What is freedom anyway?...Life is a prison.  We are bound by "have tos", too many of 'em if you ask me.  I am so proud of my baby sister Debbie and I stlll feel like crap from having the flu.  Still too weak to get up but I think some of the weakness has to do with my eating too much sugar.  I need to lose more weight and go to the doctor. Cora  functions better than I do.  But she sits a lot.  She has a membership at the gym.  Maybe, I should get one too.  I was supposed to read Hat's cover letter but I never did. Maybe I shouldn't post this stuff...What should I post? Something else?  I don't know.  I suppose that all of my posts are kind of random thoughts.  Oh I love cats....I love cats.  No I don't.  I got stormy by default. My daughter asked for and then left her with me when she went of to college.  I think she didn't like Storm because she kept saying that Storm would not let her hold her. My daughter has asthma.  Why would you want to hold a long haired cat if you have asthma? Maybe she has inherited my self destructive tendencies.  I remember that lady who had those cats upstairs that kept falling off of her porch and they got their eyes injured and the affair that I had with that guy in my building.  I did some stupid things in my life.  That was pure evil and hatefulness.  I hated me and everyone else.  You can tell when someone loves themselves.  They don't hurt other people.  I have hurt other people and tried to justify my actions.  I thought of myself as a bad person at the time but now I know that I was just ignorant.  I just didn't know any better.  I thought it was okay because I hurt.  Hurt people hurt people....had I known how much damage that I did just by hurting, I would have thought about what I did before I did it.  But, I just used to do stuff.  My life is still kind of haphazard.  A kind of "catch a as catch can throw it in the air and see where it lands" kind of existence.  But, sometimes I think that it 's because I want so badly to be normal that I ask everyone else what they think I should do.  Most people have difficulty figuring out what's right period.  Throw my life in to the mix and it really confuses them.
Random thoughts.  I wake up in the morning with things on my mind.  I go to sleep with things on my mind.  I ride to work with things on my mind. I wake up with things on my mind and things are still on my mind...Amen.

scattered and confused

i'm in virginia with my long lost friend. i met her when i was about 20 and we've been friends ever since.   that was about 32 years ago.  she's another one of those people that i kept asking back then, why she wanted to be my friend. my self-esteem was so low, at the time,  i couldn't imagine that anyone would want to be bothered. i don't remember what she said, but we're still friends. she made me laugh and infused me with courage and wisdom that she had developed from many of the trials and tirbulations that she had experienced in her young life. she's only 4 years older than i.

i hadn't seen her for 12 years, didn't know where she lived and one day my daughter was sitting on the couch reading to herself, a plaque that hangson the wall in the living room. it reads,"  some people walk into your life and quietly go. while others stay awhile and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never the same"... .  i said to my daughter ."do you know that k gave me that  when i was leaving boston?"  and my daughter replied " really...where is she?"  " i don't know," i sighed "i sure wish i could find her. "  my baby girl  proceeded to do some sleuthing on facebook and the rest is history.

(i hadn't quit my job yet). 

anyway, i was talking to k a couple of days after i quit my job and she said i seemed scattered.  " i am", i admitted.
and i wasn't sure why except, i had made a couple of important decisions besides quitting my job (and that's a whole novel in and of itself).  one was that i would focus more on my insides than my outsides and that i would attach myself to the ephemeral and eternal and begin to slowly detach from  the earthly and temporary.  i did not know why i made that decision, nor did i know the magnitude of the decision that i made.

thus...  scatttered and confused.
everything that we identify ourselves with makes us who we are.

if we shed those things then who do we become?  initially, we become scattered and confused...(to be continued).