Self-esteem. At 51 I realize that I don't have enough of it, nor do I really know how to define it. I used to get self-esteem mixed up with arrogance. I've been learning for some time that they differ in that arrogance involves the putting people down, and self-esteem involves builiding people up. Arrogance derives from the instinct to survive while, self-esteem derives from a desire to live.
Much of my self image has come from the work that I do. People pleasing and striving for perfection in my life. As long as I have been able to obtain the approval of those around me, my family, my coworkers, friends, my children I've often felt that I had a reason to feel good about myself. I found that one little criticism would cause my house of cards to come tumbling down and I'd scramble to gather up the pieces and stack them one by one attempting to hold them together with the hope or uncertainty of the next compliment or insult.
What a way to live...or not?
I took my son to see "This is it " last night it left me with a feeling such sadness. Micheal Jackson was a great performer. Very involved in what he did. He seemed to come truly alive when he was dancing and singing, that is the only time that I have seen him that I've actually got true glimpses of his personality. That leaves a daunting question in my mind. And it causes me to wonder, exactly where true self-esteem derives from. For someone who has everything...or seems to have everything, why risk your life by taking massive amounts of drugs? Why put your life in someone elses hands? I could ask a million questions about Micheal 's reasons and motives. But I more concerned about mine.
Where does true self-esteem derive from?
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