I hate my anxiety. It greets me some mornings in my first second of consciousness. I awaken in a fetal position. I often feel as though someone is standing over my bed watching me. I've felt like this since April when I went into an outpatient program. At some point I separated from myself -- it's my angst and I came face to face with the monster under the bed. The anxieity had become so severe, that I asked my doctor for some medication to help with the incapacitating anxiety that I feel on those days. They are fewer than they used to be...but I'd like for there to be none. I don't like taking it but it helps, when I find it difficult to function. or when the emotion is so strong that is unbearable, it helps.
I know that it is a feeling coming from within, but with this last episode of depression, (the one back in April, I often felt as though I had separated into two people. The anxiety often feels like another person is standing over me when I awaken. If I can't get a handle on it immediately, I feel disheveled and incomplete for the rest of my day. Like I'm canvassing the world, with a security blanket that has huge holes in it.
Frankly, I think that that the anxiety is the monster under the bed, that has escaped and it wants to get to know me.
Anxiety is like the bouncer at a club who causes your knees to knock and teeth to chatter when he looks at you.
It catches you off guard, dilates your pupil and makes you perceive everything as a threat. You become the cat skulking the living room for a piece of thread. It frustrates you making your friends and enemies indistiguishable.
What a frightening world to live in.
No comments:
Post a Comment