When I get upset, I mean really emotionally overwhelmed (to put it mildly). Not only do I get mad at the world, I get mad at myself too. That's a weird discovery. It's almost like I take responsibilty for the things that other people do to me. And it sends me plummeting to the depths of despair.
I used to wonder why people sliced their wrists, almost starve themselves to death, commit suicide. I suspect it's because, some how they have received the message that they must engulf and pay for the sins of the world. (I used to call this the Jesus complex).
I was so angry that I wasn't going to blog. A deep seeded part of me had convinced me that it was useless and a whole buncha crazy thinking was circulating in my brain. This type of thinking creates extreme anxiety for me and makes it difficult for me to focus on anything. I'm glad I had the courage to blog to day.
When I first started, I was afraid who would see it. But I hope that eventually, I can help other people.
Being self-destructive is painful. It's almost as painful trying to cure myself of this habit that I've practiced, probably all of my life. If I can find the patience to adorn myself with self-love- a difficult but necessary task- I can not only grow my self-esteem but hopefully help to break generational patterns.
Courage helps too.
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