But Still

I can't continue to work like this. When I say that what do I mean?  I can't continue to bouncing off of walls like this.  I can't continue to work seemingly purposeely. Ican't continue to wander aimlessly through life...doing the same thing over and over and over again and expect different results.  I can't continue to expend my energy and not replenish my energy. 

So, if I can't continue to work like this, how can I continue to work?

I don't know.  That's where quiet, or stillness comes in.  I guess it will come to me.  I don't have the psychic capacity to figure anything out or go with the flow. I'm waiting to hear from the depths of my core and it spits out these   That's where stillness comes in.  I had an experience of stillness yesterday that helped me to understand where my anxiety comes from. I'd had insominia for three nights.

I realize that anxiety comes from deep down inside.  It is triggered by external events.  It's already there.  It takes something external to draw it out.  I can control it. I used to think that I was required to be afraid of any and everything.  Now I know that I'm not required to be afraid of anything. 

Stillness.  I had insomnia and made myself sleep... I think that the thought of being still surrendering frightened me because a part of me thinks that I controls things.  Maybe, it's the little girl part that was made to responsible or blamed for things beyond her control . I don't know.  The things that I should be responsible for I am not responsible for because I'm so busy being responsible for everyone and everything else.  No one asks me to do those things. 

The still life.