I Am Still

I'm not struggling to become still anymore.  I have become still for a few minutes. A haunting still  greeted me this morning when I opened my eyes. A perception of stillness as a negative event, a bad omen or an unwillingness to do anything worthwhile had taken hold.  I often stilled myself out of anger or emotional angst, frustration.  I have used stillness as a weapon out of a need to avenge myself and make people wonder, to confuse. My motives for desiring stillness have changed. I need stillness, I'm not sure why. I just know that I need it. Initially,  I thought "I can accomplish more in stillness, than I can in motion".

But stillness is not about accomplishment.  It just is. And I just need to be.
I'm still a little afraid. As my quest for stillness continues.  I will honor, cherish, savor it.

I  have to remember that it's a gift.  I know that I have forgotten, when I decide what my endpoint will be.   God cannot work on me if I'm running to and fro.  Miracles take place when you're in motion, but if you are moving too fast or too much, they are hard to recognize. So I have to be still....He decides the endpoint.

Still.  I'm a little afraid. It is like fasting from the madness of life .  I've had a steady diet of chaos for the past 52 years of my life.  I need a mental a spiritual vacay.  I sit on the shores of stillness and calm myself as I watch the tide advance and recede.  The gentle cradling of the water and consistent of rhythm of the water swaying back and forth are like a lullaby...they sing me to sleep.

Still...I feel a sadness as I wave goodbye to all those washed out to sea by the demands of a material  that is determined to compete with God. .  I sometimes wonder why it is like that.  Joy sits right in front of us for the taking, yet we so frequently and unknowingly choose misery. Not for ourselves, but for others.  I am on a new path.

I unwillingly visited the doctors office yesterday and I received antibiotics for a sinus infection.  I don't feel well still.  I havent' started the antibiotics either..  When I think of the parts of my life that I have ignored in favor of other things, I begin to wonder what I was thinking.  Or whether I thought at all. How could I have sacrificed myself to so many people, places and things and have nothing to show for it?  I'm tired.  I want to rest but with this job there is no rest.  Now what?  I can't continue to work like this. 

I think...I will continue to be still.