Still Not Still

Stillness is a gift, not a priviledge.  I am learning that the hard way. Not able to still myself, I decided that I would wait for stillness to come, like sleep during the night.  I can feel it waiting in the wings...but what is it waiting for?  Maybe, for a change in my attitude, my motive.  Maybe it's waiting for me to surrender my will more completely, or waiting for me to develop a greater sense of patience rather than harried and harangued urgency at every opportuintiy.  Maybe it's just not time.

I will wait as long as I have to. Previously,  unbeknownst to me this is a process.  The process of becoming still. A process of becoming...still I always thought that I could grab stillness at will. Like a can of soup when I 'm hungry or a glass of water when I'm thirsty...but it's not that way.  Spiritual hunger and thirst has to have a clear path, I guess.  I don't know.  I felt a small bit of stillness today as I was falling asleep on the couch. It was familiar but I forget now what it felt like.  But, I know for a moment I was still. blo
I just continue to sit and wait and watch and blog and take naps until I can recognize still, touch it, describe it. 
Struggling to be still is an oxymoron, that's what I've done in the past.  Struggling defeats the purpose, defeats the process.  I have often thought that not struggling, was being still but it's only not struggling.  I have struggle d throughout my life.  I thought that that was what was required to survive.  Not sure, I ever knew what was required to actually live.  So, I continued to struggle.  If I stop struggling, I'm sure that I will be closer to stillness, but I won't be there yet.

I'll wait.