Still?

I'm growing impatient with this stillness project. It shows, though, how little control that we as human beings have...over anything.  I can be still...make a decision, not to decide.  Hold everything in my life that's external in cue...but it's the internal stillness that I crave.  The quiet peacefulness, that allows me to see the world through the Creators eyes, not just my own and to get closer to God.  Why do I want this?

Because I know that my own efforts to guide and live my life are inadequate and inefficient.  Storms in my life don't just come, I tend to unwittingly create them.  Some peoples storms just happen, like when someone gets sick or robbed or someone's house burns down, but I tend to orchestrate mine. The disorder in my life...all the way round.  The conflict with wanting to change careers (actually that is an unexpected storm).  The marriages that I didn't have or thought I had. I have often struggled to control the events in my life. Only to find that the more I try to control, the further control of my life seems to spiral out of reach.

Right now,  today is the worst that I can remember my life being.  My finances, my house, my job, my lack of career satisfaction.  I say that I want to be happy...but what is happiness...really?  I have to be still.  Because, if I keep moving, the mountain of chaos that is my life will come tumbling down on me, crushing and smothering me in it's ruins.

Anxiety begins to greet me each morning staring at me with this big grin on it's face.  It reminds me of that song by Billy Holiday "Good Morning Heartache". Except I don't invite it to sit down...I try to ignore it until it disappears.

I will wait for stillness.  I will wait...In order to wait though I have to increase my capacity to be patient). I thought of stillness as a place to hide at first but it is not a place to hide, it is a place to become visible. (Not sure I understand that paradox).I have experienced small episodes of stillness within the past couple of days, (minutes and even seconds) and I think I know what heaven is like.  But, I have to wait for this gift.  It's difficult but what else can I do?

Except be still. Externally still until...